New Seasons

New seasons...spring has sprung for us all.

We all have new seasons.

For me this new season is not just the visible changes outside but also changes within me.

In December I had a hysterectomy ending my time as a woman that can reproduce.

It was a difficult decision to make...still at times a difficult decision to wrap my head around but most days I am okay with it and have accepted it.

I don't know why but the desire to have more children in our lives is ALWAYS there.

It is always within my soul to embace the idea of having more...then I wonder what is wrong with me?   I will be honest...some days I am sooo totally consumed and overwhelmed with the 7 wonderful kids i have that I wonder where does this desire to have more come from?

I don't know if I will ever know.

Now...on to the next thought.  Making this decision to be "done" was hard yet at the same time acceptable because I knew that both Doug and I would love to do foster care at some point.

I would love the gift of being able to give to a little one a safe, loving, and full of energy home.

But how does one begin that process?   It isn't something I want to just dive into...I need to research and find out more about what it all means.

This is where I want you to help me.  Does anyone know the process of starting or looking into how the fostering world works?

So with New Seasons...also comes some New ideas...and New beginnings.

I think my love for my family and where we live makes me just want to share it with a little one that perhaps just doesn't have that due to circumstances way out of their control.  So I look at this new road we are going down too as a gift.  A gift to give and a gift that we are open to it.

Hugs!!

I love seeing the love between two sisters!

I don't get it....

I just don't get it....why can't I sleep?

My body is soo tired but here I sit at nearly 2:30am writing an entry on my blog because

I just simply can't sleep.   My eyes shut....but my mind keeps going.  It has been going on for a few weeks now.  Most of the time I attribute it to the nite shifts ...but I have been off.  So why then?

Is it my anxiety manifesting itself in another way?   It is my chronic backpain that has frustrated me to the point that I can't sleep?

Lots of questions...no answers.  I am okay with no answers.   Remember my word for the year is "FAITH"...so that is what I am having so that I can just roll with this and realize that there is a plan for me.

That is the hard part about faith....you don't get any answers right away...you gotta hang on and trust that the answers will my way ...as far as when that is a good question.

8 years ago...

Mathias Lee Holen...my 4th child arrived into our lives at 6:18pm.  I was 33 years old and finishing my RN degree.  I remember the morning...running late of course and heading to OB to be induced due to his size.

I was 38 weeks...it was a Friday and I had to quick turn in a paper at the college prior to being induced...hence running late!!    I didn't know he was a boy...couldn't believe the pregnancy was over because it went fast due to being a student again...and raising 3 children and working too.  He came quickly....I had no drugs...did it on my own..but I was out of control in pain and now looking back know I was a psycho woman in pain...I did it in one fast quick push...because when he decided it was his debut time...he wasn't kidding!!  The poor boy had a bruised head that made him look rather tough the first couple days.  A big boy he was ...8 pounds 12 ounces and 21 inches long!  He had his own look and we were soo happy that James now would have a brother!  As the years have passed he has kept us hopping with his non-stop "getting into things"  that still at the age of 8 has not out-grown.  He loves to pester anyone near him but also has the biggest heart when he decides to show it.

His love for farming is deep in his soul.  He watches...and absorbs everything his dad does on our little hobby farm.  He lives for John Deere and will play tractors for hours.  He now as he ages...wants to play on the "real" tractors!   Once again...that desire to get into things shows itself.  He is our one child that has the most persistence to ride that lawn mower than any other one!!

 

Mathias is also a deep thinker...he ponders over many things...asks lots of questions and makes us think ourselves.  He is amazed at how things in life turn out and wonders why many times. He wonders why things are the way they are in the world.  Both good and bad.  He wonders about what he will become as an adult and he also wonders how many cows and tractors he will have on his own farm someday!  =)

He has a love for his family...his brothers especially!  It is obvious with every moment of pestering he does and every hug he gives them each day!!  He loves his family.  

Thank you Mathias for being you and bringing such joy to our lives.  I hope you know deep within yourself how much you mean to me.  Happy birthday!!

A new day...

It is a new day from my almost melt down yesterday...but I have one word...

FATIGUE!!

I am soo tired today I can barely keep my eyes open.   I haven't been able to sleep well all week.  So afer 4 nites of poor sleep..nap is a MUST tayl  

ZZZzzzzz....

Well that is what you get ....

Okay...so this week I am all alone trying to run this household of 8...7 children plus me!!

Doug is in Mexico...I am in Minnesota.  That is a lot of miles between parents leaving me to make lots of decisions...directing of traffic...and making things go smoothly.

Well...I don't think I ask too much from my children.

Be respectful to me...and to each other.

Clean up after yourselves after you eat.

Clean up at the end of the day whatever you have played with or had a part of playing with.

Help with animal chores.

Go to bed when you are supposed to.

oh..and did I say do this with respectful attitudes?

Well...for some reason...it didn't go that way today.

I don't like that.

I think I want it always to be harmony...happiness....appreciation..and it just wasn't that way.

Kids wanted things...wanted no part in picking up ...wanted more things done for them...and with sarcasm and a tone that I got no feeling that there was any respect going on.

So...this momma got tired...impatient...overwhelmed...sad...and more impatient which led to crabbiness!!

I hate when I get crabby...because it is a ticket for me to beat myself up.

It all ended up fine...tuck in for the boys was nice because I NEVER let days end with sadness or madness.  There were hugs and eventually prior to that they all pitched in and helped.

But what hit me the hardest this evening was when I told my 12 year old to go and put the puppies away...for the 2nd time...he was irritated because he had to get up off the computer...go outside...so as he mumbled to himself out the door I promptly asked him to speak up and he sassed some more...and I quickly said that this mom needs help around here...and there are messes everywhere and he said "WELL, THAT IS WHAT YOU GET when you have 7 kids!"    I cringed ...I hate that comment and I don't hate many things in my life.  I have heard that from sooo many people that when it came out of the mouth of one of my own.....it hurt...it made me want to EXPLODE!!   I didn't though...I refrained and simply responded that that is why indeed this house should be well kept...because there are 7 children that CAN help!!

So...now that I have gotten that off my chest..I am going to enjoy this quiet time after all have settled in their beds and be me...alone...with my thoughts and be thankful that yes I do have 7 children and hope that tomorrow their appreciative sides shine a bit brighter than what they did today!!

My one word....

 FAITH

To trust, with question, God's direction for my life, and to give Him the reigns and allow Him to lead me. 

 My word for 2011....still workin on it!

I know I will always be a work in progress.

It is hard...hard a lot of days to have the faith.

My mind takes over and the internal dialogue just keeps going and going and going...

But...I am trying!   Something I don't think I really was committed to doing before.

I want and need my life to be filled with more faith!

Faith brings me peace...internal rest...and a sense of being actively a part of improving myself..and not depending on other people's actions and words to do it.

I love the word...doesn't just have a nice smooth way about it?

It is free for the taking for anyone...all the time...morning or nite.

I need faith!

I struggle daily with so many emotional things...and not until recently have the struggles become showing itself in my physical well being.

But if I keep working on Faith...faith that the higher being will show me the way...make things fall into place and that life will be what it is supposed to be..I will be okay.  I will be content in my own skin and I will love myself enough to be able to love others just as much!

Oh believe me I know how to give....give some more and even when I feel depleted I give more. But with faith I will be reassured that I will give to myself first and not become depleted!

So please...I ask that you have some faith in me ...as I too try to have faith!

Surrounding myself in people and environments that allow me to work on my faith is what I need!

So here is to 2011...my one word...and Faith that it can be done!

18 years ago....

I can't believe that 18 years ago I got married.

Douglas Lee Holen and I...got hitched!!

It was a beautiful spring day...and of course just a few days prior we had gotten snow so i was really nervous about how our day was gonna be...but warm temps and all sun was what it was!!

We got married in Faribault MN, my hometown in the church I was confirmed in and married by Pastor Dan Nordin who held a special place in my heart.

We had all our good friends in our wedding and what a good day it was!

We were both 23 at the time...young...loving life and happy!

We had dated for almost 15 months and then engaged for another 15 months before we got married.

We met at the Univ of MN in a chemistry class of 500 plus people.  He always sat near me and stared...yep he won't admit it but he did!!  =)

Then he followed me to the bustop one day...he followed me I said...he will argue and say I followed him but that is just not the case!!  We started talking and never quit.

We have lived in MN, AZ and Montana twice and back to MN in 2000. 

We have had 2 miscarriages together....and 7 healthy children together!

We live in the wide open spaces of the country and love our life.

We didn't buy our first house til we were 30 and now we live in our 2nd house which will be ours forever.

We have had many ups and downs...learning to love each other for who they are...facing our disagreements head on and not running....because being newly married and in Montana which was 18 hours from home...the only thing we COULD do was stare at each other and work it out!

What a blessing living away for 7 years was.  Although we missed our family greatly...it gave our new family such a strong base!! 

So today...as Doug flies to Central Mexico on business...I wish him a Happy Anniversary and can not believe HOW FAST these 18 years have gone...we have learned a lot and loved a lot!

My life is better because he is mine...and what he has given me!



Hurry up Spring!

Please Spring hurry up...I need to smell Lilacs!

 

The 3 Amigos!

Griffin,  Ginger, and Gracie!  Loving life on our deck! It is my daily view that I am thankful everyday .

 

They sit all day....play all day...and watch us inside walk around...listen to kiddos laugh, cry..and run around as well!   They must wonder what kind of zoo they are a part of!

Dogs are a passion of mine.   At the age of 3 I would disappear to the neighbors house and crawl into their dogs' house and hid and of course the dog would follow right behind me and protect me from MY OWN MOTHER!!   Teeth showing, growling to keep me safe..as a mom now I know my mom must have been peeing her pants in fear!!  But I never had fear of them.  I loved them then...and I love them now.   Since I have been having babies for the last 16 years I haven't had much time for my passions.   So now as these puppies grow..I will start to enjoy my passion again.   Obedience trials, classes here we come as soon as this snow goes away!   I can't wait!

I really want to bring this love of mine back in the front of my life right beside my kids and hopefully they too can have a love for these doggies of ours..which I know they already do ..but little do they know how smart we can actually help them to become and how obedient.  

14 years ago today

Happy Birthday to Kelsey Marie Hauge!!

 

My niece, my brothers daughter...my sister n law Pam's daughter..

who was with us for a short 2 weeks due to a heart defect.

Perfect on the outside....yet so ill on the inside.

Her deformed heart taught us soo much about what we should all have in our

perfect hearts.   Love, faith...strength and the realization that life is a gift and that each day we should treasure.   Treasure that we have one another!

She had lots of dark hair...she had chubby cheeks...she had perfect toes and fingers but she had a body that God gave her that could only live for a short while.   But God had a plan...in that short while he brought us closer...he allowed us to sit and share stories and shed tears together.

He let us hold her and love her for the time she was here.  Those 14 days...were a gift!!  Each minute...each second a gift!

She may not be here for us to squeeze or giggle with...but she is in our hearts!   FOREVER!!

Hugs to Pam and Steve!   They are two of the strongest people I know!

The loss of a child...an infant child ...how do you ever get past it?

I don't think you do...you learn from it..and realize that life is special and noone knows when it will end...except God!

It is coming...

I have had a good day so far...

now here it is 5:38 pm and I can feel it coming.

Anxiety...attack...panic...setting in.

My heart is racing...I feel shaky...why can't I make it stop?

Perhaps you are all saying..."well...look at how you live...I would have anxiety too."

But that is not the case at all!!   At all!!

I sit here with just quiet Delaney and Grant who is as easy going as they come.

Noone else is home.  Boys and daddy are gone wrestling...girls not home yet from practice.

So why is it coming?   I can't pin point it.

I want it to stop...I just want it to stop for one day.

Can I Lord please have one day where I don't have this feeling.

It is a feeling of gloom....doom...sadness and like my heart is going to stop.

I hate it.   I get mad at myself too...why can't I talk myself out of it?

I try.   I read books...I breathe deep and I look at all I have to be thankful for but it doesn't make "it" go away.

So out to the kitchen I go to pop yet another pill to help calm me because I need to keep going...keep up the front...keep up the smile on my face for my children.

They don't need to know their mom is a mess inside.

Support...I try to surround myself with it but it just doesn't seem like enough.

I want to sleep...sleep...cry...hide all day!

Perhaps then...maybe then I can make "it " go away!

**don't worry about me...these posts generally depict a mess of a gal but I use this blog as a way to put my thoughts into therapy...so don't judge me, label me...because I do have a heart of gold and want to be the best I can!!*

Another bright light reminder

Sad news for Underwood.....I am not going to elaborate on this blog the details because those in our small community know the tragedy that has happened. 

Another HUGE reminder to appreciate every minute we have with someone...tell them you love them everyday...give them a hug everyday....forget about the little things in life such as bills....dishes...laundry.etc etc and know that each day...each hour and each breath we take is a gift!!

My heart aches tonite....the tears have fallen in the Holen house!!  May God watch over us all and help us keep going...and keep close to one another!!

Peek - a -boo!

Wishing that summer would come...calves will arrive...and what a peaceful sight it is!!

Peace...a true desire within this family!  Can this picture speak anything but peace...contentment and the newness of life!!

Pathway to....

Our driveway....a path to open spaces.   Wide open spaces full of country scenes.

Right now in my life...trying to head down a new path.  A path to a more confident...content..less anxious mom.  I started to realize I needed to start to focus on a new path about 6 months ago and have truly tried to turn it over to a power greater than me.  I start each day with eyes and ears that are much more open to...receptive to and willing to receive messages that come my way.   Sometimes these messages are subtle ...sometimes very loud!!  

The other night I was giving Marcus a bath in our sink...he is still such a little guy I can do that.  Anyways I have a hummingbird that hangs above our sink that is from my aunt Carol who passed away 3 years ago now.  This bird hung above her sink as well.  It is a daily reminder of her and the blessing she was in our life.  Anyways...when I wash the kids hair in the sink I always tell them to look up to the hummingbird...look up.  Well Marcus knows that this bird he is looking at was Carol's.   So he asked me  "why did Carol have to die?"  I simply and sadly stated that "her heart got tired" and that she is in "heaven now watching over us".   Marcus thought long and hard for and then returned with a response that made me realize that he gets that death can happen to anyone.  He says to me..."mommy...will your heart get tired?"  I calmly re-assured him that my heart is a lot younger and shouldn't get tired.  He then asked "can my heart get tired too?"  I then told him that a 5 year old's heart is way too young to get tired.  I told him that Carol had had lots of birthdays and that her heart got tired because she was older and was sick.

We both were quiet for awhile then...I think we were both thinking about our hearts.  I thought of Carol's heart and although it became tired...it was a giving one.

So getting back to the pathway that I have decided to pursue truly stems from the absence that has been felt ever since Carol has died.   She has made me want to make myself better...it took me awhile after she passed away to realize what that void was trying to tell me...but I have come to realize I have work to do.  I take baby steps each day...sometimes backwards..but with time and the little conversations with my children...it helps me keep going in the direction I want to go!  A path that will lead me to peace within my core.  What path are you going down...and what does that path mean to you???

Hard workin' boots!

These boots..they belong to my husband who spends many hours..going above and beyond to provide for us! Thank you for your steps each day that give us guidance and the love that we need to be the Holen Hills Family!  You are loved!

 

Supersweet ....what else?

He doesn't even know how much his words warm my heart....

Here is just a sample of what I got to hear this evening...

"Momma....I love you soo much...and I want to give you 5 hugs..because I am 5"

"You da best"

"A kiss for you too momma"

"Tuck me in mommy...."

What a blessing...such simple dialogue but filled with sooo much meaning!!

This is why I love...love...love being a mom!

15 years ago today....

Kaitlyn Janece Holen...our second daughter who arrived only but 16 months after our

first daughter.  Many who offered their opinions

as to "already"...or "another one?"   But we wanted it

just that way!!  What she has filled our lives with is amazing.

Just like the way she entered into our lives.

We were living in Mesa Arizona and I was 25 at the time.

In denial about being in labor since my first go round was 19 hours long and 3 hours of pushing...I thought this time would be the same...so when I could no longer breathe...talk ...walk..we decided it was time to go.

Now looking back...I should have gone long before that.

We had to bring Julia to grandma and grandpa..who were spending the winter in Az...lucky us!!

We loved having them near!!

So after over an hour on the road...we finally on the interstate almost to the Desert Samaritan

hospital in Mesa...yep...we came across an accident and many police cars as they were about

to block the freeway off....at this point I demanded that we are to get through or this baby was coming in the car!!

We did make it....I arrived dilated to 9.5 and a bulging bag of water...with the nurse saying it was only that amazing strong...life holding bag that kept her in me that allowed us to make it there!

She arrived with very little effort...and A GIRL it was!!  We were soo excited to have "the girls" now!

What fun it has been!!  I still remember Doug saying."remember now...this will probably be the last baby so enjoy it.".....ha....little did he know...5 more would come and with each one a new  dynamic in the house along with many wonderful labor stories!!

So here is to Kaitlyn...our honest...loving...athletic...shy...and giddy all mixed together...a love for animals..a dreamer...and most of all OURS!!

We love you!

Simply said....

Words ....we should live by!

Little but big....

Delaney Ann....for some reason I LoVe her little feet.   So soft..cushy...yet loud pitter patter in the kitchen.  She curls her little toes...she puts them in the air with delight.  I love them with fresh clean..snug sockies on!  They may be so little...but are such a big part of what I love on her!

My Delaney!!

 My daughter...my 3rd daughter who has brought me more joy

than I could have ever imagined!

She is a little sister to 6 others...who find as much joy in her as I do!

She completes this Holen Gang!

She smiles...she laughs...and she makes us smile and laugh!

Days when I see nothing but over-whelming

duties...bills...life...I just look at her and realize

that it is my family...my daughter and my other

children that is all I need.

They are my life...they may cause me to be overwhelmed..crabby...short

tempered at times...but they also give me soo much more.

An awareness that miracles are given to us for a reason and that their innocence and

unconditional love is a blessing!

They make us see that the little things ARE the big things!

I love her!

She loves me!

I lover her feet...her ankles...her little toes that pat..pat..pat across the floor every day!

Sounds that I NEVER want to forget...and want to stay this way forever!

One of the many reasons I want to be by her all the time!

finally...

Who would think that 12 days could be sooo long?

I feel a bit guilty about even writing this post since it was my husband that truly felt the "pain" and I mean pain for the last 12 days. but....this pain

had its effect on the ENTIRE household.

Patience was the thinnest I have ever seen it...

My mood swing...or depression was at its fastest roller coaster ride

ever!!

Kids were more over-whelming than most days.

Noise was something that was an undesirable thing.

Silence was a treat and to be able to go to bed

was heavenly..to get away from it all!

I felt like I was coaching a labor patient all nite long.

I had empathy for him..my husband that is.

I would have taken his pain for a day or two just to give him

a break.  I would have gone to the bathroom for him too just

to give him a break.

It has been exhausting and has in another way opened my

eyes to what people who deal with much bigger health issues for more than 12 days...wow...the strength they have must be amazing and never-ending!

So although...I care not to do these last 12 days over..I am trying to see the blessing it has taught me in appreciating good health..pain free living and a house that is filled with peace and respect.

The last 12 days has not given our family that.  We have  been rude to one another...short...fighting...and impatient.

I know that it will probably take another 12 days to get the normalcy back into this house.  

I knew this morning it had been way too long because Delaney went running with her happy face to our bedroom looking for Dada since that is where he has been for soo long...and to her surprise he was not there!!  He was up..showered and ready to enjoy his first day back to work!  A smile on his face...a new pep in his step and also beads of sweat on his forehead due to fatigue!  But its all good for now!!  

Thank you Lord for giving us the strength to endure this hurdle in our lives and I know many people have much bigger things to tackle daily...and help them too!  You give us strength to fight..fight til things seem brighter and hopeful!

So here is to strength..power...and faith that things can improve!!

Letting go of the guilt...

I have the disease to please...

Does anyone know the cure?

I have had this all my life...back to when I can remember...probably at the age of 7 already..

Making friends happy on the playground...even when it maybe made me sad inside.

In junior and high school you may have well called me a push-over...cuz if someone even blew on me I would have fallen over just to please them at my expense.

That has created some bitterness in me.

I want that time back...I wish I knew now what I didn't know then.

Those moments were soo large at that time in my life at that time...but now are so small in the big picture...except for their lingering effects.

I am a work in progress.   

Medication...and now re-starting therapy to get through these things that can bring me down..down to places I hate to go!  Clouds couldn't roll in any darker when those moments come.  That is what is scary to me...I don't know when the storm will come...I don't have any warning system to let me know , no beep..beep beep across the tv telling me the storm is coming.  It hits me like a ton of bricks...a sickening feeling in my gut is really the only warning I get along with a racing heart.  It is sad to think that this heart of mine that would do anything for anyone has to race...race to try and seek shelter from my fears and the storm that is settling in.

These last 12 days...were easily at times a storm.  I made it through.

We all did.  I just find myself wondering why does this have to plague me...rob me of time that I can't get back.  I have turned it over to God now in the last 6 months as I hope to find a reason for the soul searching and the need to finally work on the answers to what has made me this way.  

Time...that is all I have to get this done along with perhaps some strength that the higher power can give to me!

So today...I continue to try and let go of the guilt that makes me on a daily basis put every body else's needs before mine.  Maybe I can let myself eat my cereal today before I give to everyone else first...its a start right??

Sisters..

Kaitlyn and Julia

Sisters....friends...for sure!!

It warms my heart to know that my first two daughters are close.

They are close in age...only 16 months apart.

I can still see Kaitlyn following Julia around as they both were toddlers..

and now as they are teenagers growing up way too fast,   I look at them

and wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have each other...to giggle with

to wrestle around with...and to share stories with!

They are blessed beyond what they even know yet.  I am sure this will come

when they are older.  Warms a moms heart to see them be such pals!!

Julia...serious..mature and a list maker together with Kaitlyn a go with the flow

kind of gal...for sure not a list maker and obviously always dreaming of something.

The combination of them is funny..silly..cute and wonderful all at once!

That is what sisters are for.  Today I am thankful for what the two of them bring to my life.

 

Coming to an end...

My medical leave is coming to an end.

It has been a blessing again to be at home.

I have always every couple years had a little

reprieve from my work due to maternity leaves

and now this time from a surgery.

I enjoy being at home...sometimes too much.

I tend to isolate myself...stick close to my little ones

because they love me no matter what..

they don't care if I am a chubby, messy haired, or quiet that day.

They come to me and give me daily if not hourly hugs.

I will miss that.  Even though I only work part time..

I still have to leave home.

I do love my work..and once I am there I am fine...

but...I like my home!

So as it comes to an end...back to the work routine I will go.

There has been lots of "ends" in this experience.

An end to birthing babies...an end to being at home for days upon days.  

I have handled this change for the most part pretty well.

I still have some "grey" days and they do come and go and at times 

can linger...but as the sun starts to shine the next day I pick up my head off

my pillow and try to put one foot in front of the other and look

at what I have and be thankful and try not to dwell on the "end" 

of things.

So here is to new days....new beginnings...and a whole lot of faith along the way!!

What do I really want?

Crazy.? Absolutely not!!

Marcus loves these puppies....we all do!

although many think I am crazy to have 7 children and then 2 puppies....

I say ABSOLUTELY NOT!!   Cuz they add soo much to our lives!!

Rocket fans!!

Mr Grant admiring Marcus  watching their sisters play !!

Slow healing.....

So here I am now 4 weeks post op...had my follow up yesterday and wow...what a shocker...slow healing is what I have accomplished!!  Was advised for another 2 weeks off...and more "taking it easy".  Hmmmm....let me see....I don't think that is possible in this house.  I will give it my best shot though. 

I take it day by day and am thankful for those that have showed they care how I am doing and actually ask.  I have found it rather surprising how some don't even ask.   (bear with me...just having a little pity party...tend to do that on emotional days.) 

No...actually though each day is going better.   I have viewed these 4 weeks as a blessing to be home again and focus just on HOME!!   My favorite place!  We lead a very busy life and staying on the homefront and at least trying to provide a base for the little ones is what is needed and necessary!   

I spend a little time each day reading my blogs and trying to find some meaning in this calling I seem to feel.  Don't know where it is calling me to go...but with my daily devotions and time to reflect....it may appear right before my eyes one of these days.  
I am constantly looking for ways to save money to be able to stay home more.  Its all so temporary this time at home with these little ones that I look at it as my obligation and true desire to devote this time to them...laughing with them...tucking them in...and hearing their foot steps come running into my room in the am!

Hoping each day brings you a special message....

One word

So after reading this post on one of my favorite sites...I decided that I was going to try and see if I could come

up with a word that I was going to try to dedicate to 2011!!

It took a lot of thinking...re-thinking..and also soul searching for me to come up with one word.  I truly could have picked like 10 words for the year but the idea was only one...so one it was.

My word for the year is.....(drum roll)  ...

FAITH!!

It seems so simple...yet to me sooo profound!!

Things have changed for me since I would have to say when my aunt Carol died back in August of 2007.

The void in my life...our lives is soo powerful since she left us.  She was like a second mom to me while I grew up and also to my children too.  She was the most giving lady I ever knew!!  Anyways....Since then I have had such an increase in anxiety, panic feelings, and depression in my life that I in probably the last year have really felt this pull...pull to what I don't really have a label for it...but its pulling me somewhere I have

never been before.  I am drawn to anything that has to do with trusting a higher power...reading more religion based books..researching faith based books..anything that I come across I read.
I want FAITH to guide me and direct me to where it is that I am supposed to be going.  I don't have the answers now because I feel I have more work to do on myself.   I do believe though there is a true reason for all that happens and this year of FAITH is going to prove that to me.   I truly want to wave my white flag with the power that anxiety has over me and turn it all over...all over to that FAITH that it will be okay.
Life is so short and I want to instill in those around me that each moment counts.   Believe me there are a lot of moments I wish I could re-do each day but with FAITH and my daily baby steps I think I can live a better life and give better memories to my family.
So...Faith it is for 2011.  What is your ONE word? 
Care to share? 

2 weeks...post op

It does not seem possible that it has been 2 weeks since my surgery.

I am getting my energy back.   Still need a daily nap and at times need some quiet time to slow my thoughts and the messages coming in.

So its 2011 now and I am trying to view this decision of mine as an opportunity for change.

I know...I am always writing about change this and change that...I feel like a broken record but truly I feel it takes time to first sense that something is lacking or is pulling on me...which I have already done that step.  Then I feel like one needs to want to do something about it...for me it was just listening to it...giving this feeling a voice in my head.

Now I want to start to ACT on it...baby steps of course.

I am not quite sure what those baby steps will be and how fast I will take them..I do know that I am ready with an open heart and mind.   I still have a lot of processing to do...a lot of accepting to do in my heart.  It aches a lot.  I know this is related to my surgery.   My heart is such a mom all the time that I think it just doesn't know how to be anything but...but perhaps in time I can figure out what I can do and give myself.

Tough steps...tough thoughts...and tough answers to find many days.

 

1.11.11

Well it here....the numbers that I see all the time...

its the date...I have several of them to have this year.

Yep...went and bought my lottery tickets...eleven of them!!

Will keep you all posted...one never knows...I was once told this 1111 stuff meant "new beginnings"   but my heart is telling me its not about money....its a much deeper message trying to be told to me...but its still fun to try to win big!   I have a feeling though my winning big is going to come in many other forms this year!!

Happy 2011 to all!!

New seasons..

It has been awhile since I posted.

I have had a lot on my mind...weighing on my mind and quite honestly sending me into the core of my being with deep questions and trying to have faith that the answers and that peace will come over me.

~~sigh~~~  So here goes~~~~
For 16 years now all I have known about myself is that I love to have babies...raise my babies...be at home as much as I can with my babies.
The years have slipped past.  I have struggled with the last 3 pregnancies and I must face it now that I am 40...it is time to let go of what I know.  Being a mom...having babies has defined me for 16 years and now who will I be?
I am struggling with the change that is about to happen.
My heart is saying one thing...my mind another.
Well on December 20th I chose to have surgery to do a little "fixer upper" on this body that has birthed 7 wonderful children and say goodbye to my reproductive years.   I am not really sure how I am doing with all of this.
Somedays I am fine...yep it was the right choice...and others
with fatigue...loss of words..and sadness I grieve it.
I grieve the ability ..the option...the inner hope that perhaps we could have another.
Don't get me wrong...I KNOW I am blessed ...I have 7 healthy children...a home that we try to do our best at parenting in which most days I feel like I am failing...but that is a whole other topic.
I know people are thinking..."how can she be sad when look at how many she has...why in the world would she need or want more?"   What people don't get its not that I necessarily would have chosen to have more...its just its for one not an option anymore...and two...its me...its who I am...its what I do and now even though parenting isn't over...I feel like a huge part of me is over.
Doesn't even make sense to me as I put into words...but its what I feel.  
I cry....cry and snuggle into a ball into my bed and search for what is in store for me...I pray like I never used to...cuz believe me in the past I never did.  But over the last year...a calling or some subtle message is telling me to turn to prayer.  What its all about I don't know.  ...this too could be a whole other blog post.  All I know...is I feel lost...I feel empty...I am surrounded around the best things in life....laughter...innocence and yet sometimes I can't focus on that because
I am too wrapped up in me...my feelings.   Then the whole selfish...guilt that mom's feel kicks in.  Its a viscious cycle.  I don't even know if I get what is going through my mind most of the time.   I guess its time I start to enjoy what I have...focus on them *not like i haven't been*  and perhaps find myself again.  It has been lost for a very long time.   So how does one start?
I sit here in the silence and darkness in the early hours of the day...because the house has not awakened it and I pray for answers ...I take one moment at a time.  I ache...I am mentally tired...but us tough moms keep on trucking!!  That is one thing I know I do well...I can keep going...and going!!
That is a start right????