Missing this!!

So last night I went to watch Kaitlyn  (the one on the right) play some volleyball and enjoyed every moment of it.  This picture is from last year when her sister Julia played as well.  Last night though Julia sat in the crowd as a fan vs playing.  That is how this whole volleyball season has gone.  Julia not there.  That is difficult for me to swallow.  

You see Julia has a huge dedication to 4-H and the coach disagrees with that dedication so at the beginning of the year she was on the fence if she should play volleyball or invest more time into her 4-H obligations as well as work to make some money.

After many hours pondering she made her choice...she was going to play!!  I was happy because nothing made Doug and I more happy than to sit in the stands and see both our daughters play together!!  But  a phone call from the coach squashed that  love of our quickly.  She called Julia...and with no hesitation told her that "she has no place on the team anymore and might as well not go out for the season."......WHAT???!!???  Who says that????

Well...that of course changed Julia's mind.  So after playing side by side with her sister since I believe it was 5th grade...she was not going to this season...her SENIOR year.

So last night as I watched Julia sitting in the bleachers...and Kaitlyn playing her best on the court...it saddened my heart.  I know that it saddens me more than her...she is more in the bitter stage of it but still goes there to cheer her sister and her other friends on.

It is little stories like this in our lives that make me wonder what makes people the way they are...no remorse...no sincerity in their words.  How does that happen?  I try so very hard to always see the good in people...and God says to pray for those that actually anger you or you feel have done you wrong.  I just am not there yet.  

So I enjoyed my evening of watching Kaitlyn excel at her gifts...and remembered years gone by and accepted it for how it is but just questioned why.

Life is always making us wonder why things turn out the way they do and another reminder that we have to trust in God to know that this is the path these girls were meant to go down.

And....to top the evening off...at the end of the game...my Kaitlyn sought me out at the very top of the bleachers with a big smile and sweaty body...gave me a BIG hug and thanked me for being there!  Now that is what life is about!!  

It's work...

It is work....a lot of work to focus on the moment you are in.  Work to accept that the steps you walk each day are taking you exactly where God wants you to go.

These boots ....laces frayed..leather dirty and worn looking ...belong to my husband Doug.  He has taken many steps in these boots and they show it.  Each day God leads him to where he is supposed to go.  The twine laying under his boots..he must have been moving some hay bales around.  He just keeps going not knowing but trusting that he is going the right way.  That is where I am struggling right now.  I wish I had some boots that showed me all the work and right steps that I have taken to get me where I am today.  Oh believe me I know I am blessed and I am right where I am supposed to be but it is where I am supposed to be NEXT that I waste so much energy wondering about.   I was supposed to be having surgery tomorrow and only 24 hours ago found out insurance denied it.  So now the appeal process begins.  Denied all because certain words weren't used to describe my pain, my situation, and my back status.  So I fret and I keep asking  "now what???"   Now what is going to happen..what if?..what if this?  What will I do now?  Now I have to have pain longer and I am tired of that.  I want to know what my next step is supposed to be.  Then this morning I realized that all this fretting and wondering is simply just too much work!!  I stopped ...took a deep breath and realized that all this is out of my control and God has a plan for me and I need to trust and keep taking steps one after another and he will lead me exactly where I need to go.

So I relaxed and in my mind put on my new work boots of my own that came with a fresh positive focus on things and walked on.  Soon these boots too will show the wear, tear but also will tell a story about how I came to where I will be in the next 30 days or 1 year.  Trusting and letting go of all that unnecessary work is hard but I need to do that.  

So my question for you is what boots are you going to wear today?  

 

A "real" day on the Holen Hills farm!

Where does one begin? Doug left on Wednesday for his annual trip of hunting.  Which I TRULY do get excited for him because he is one of the most dedicated daddy's, hard working, and never stops man that I know.  I truly believe we all REQUIRE time to rejuvinate our souls and to have time alone to think.  I also am a firm believer in family time.  So Doug was gone with his brother and his dad for some hunting for 4 days.  I enjoy time alone with the kids too.....UNTIL things start to RAPIDLY start to go downhill.

I usually am a kinda go with the flow mom...I try to let squabbles resolve themselves...unless there is physical harm being done to one another...and I also don't mind a little while of loud fun/wrestling/laughter etc. It is when it turns to name calling, arguing, fighting loudly and crying that this momma starts to lose it...get stressed out..want to run away etc.  I escape to the bathroom sometimes...only to be found in a matter of 30 seconds.

I know I chose this life...and I love my life. But when behavior that is known to be a no-no is done for hours at a time...this mom starts to melt and melt quickly.  So on Saturday...a beautiful blustery morning I headed to football with Mathias and Delaney which went well...cold but well.

About 2:00 is when the first set of tears showed themselves.  Boys wrestling...then crying...then fighting got the best of me  All I want is my kids to do is love each other and I know that it isn't realistic for them to be best buds all the time...but maybe all day once would be a gift!  So I disciplined....yelled a bit  (which I tell myself to not do  but my emotions get the best of me)..nobody listened and it paused briefly and started right back up again.  I disappeared to the laundry room...tried to stay busy and kept Delaney by me.   

Of course through out all of this is constant  "mom..I want...... or mom will you get me this?"   Non stop wants and needs.  Then the finale hit around 4:00.   We just had our basement refinished and it is beautiful and our protected zone...no food...drinks...etc down there.  It is ALWAYS kept clean and appreciated!  Well of course the boys decided to BREAK that rule too.  So wrestling and rough housing continued and I continued to tell them to please stop...please stop...and to PLEASE (with a loud voice of course) STOP!!  Well...a loud noise...followed by a tornado of feet running up the steps to line up for confession time.  Mathias and James wrestling on the couch caused Mathias to fall off the couch and hit his head on the wall...(Mathias was fine) and the end result ...A HUGE HEAD INDENTATION IN OUR BRAND NEW WALL!!  I was speechless...took me over an hour to make myself go look and then...I cried..cried hard in my safe haven of a laundry room downstairs and kids surrounded me with concern, guilt, and offers of saving their money to fix it.  At that point I was too far gone to really care about their good intentions to fix their damage...I sobbed...and all my worries....concerns...were released at that moment.  It felt good to cry.  

I realized that when the mom truly has a moment of crying...meltdown...the kids STOP and listen...reset themselves and start over.  They changed back into the loving..friends they typically are...and hard working kids.  The house was picked up and vacuumed and laundry put away by them in an hour.   They apologized...gave me hugs and the rest of the day was somber but so much better.

Although it was a tough day...it was a day of letting things out and starting over.  I needed it...the kids needed it...and the animals outside listening to all the chaos needed it too!!  =)

So life is REAL here at the Holen House.  Most days are filled with friendships and love but boy when we are all "off"....we are in a big way!

I would love to attach a picture of the lovely wall but I blocked it with the couch and still can't bear to look at it.

Just keepin' it real folks!

Best gift ever!

I LOVE...LOVE....LOVE to see LOVE between siblings!!