Overwhelmed....

Overwhelmed is the theme for today....I can't shake it.  Its consuming me today.   Bills....kids....life....organizing...its all on my mind and shoulders today.  I have got to step back and take a deep breath....look around...it will be okay right?  I try to stay sooo on top of things and then BAM....whamo....slap....another hurdle.  I love my life ...just having a hard day...need some extra tlc and perhaps just a hug...I think my kids can give me that tonite before I shut my eyes.  7 hugs would be nice for any mom right?  I am hoping the theme for tomorrow is peace.  Peace within my mind and soul.  I need that.  Most days are peace...but today...I guess I am just a little off track!

I know this is just my nature...I have always since I was a kid...worried...fretted about the unknown...and the what ifs...I don't know where it stems from...perhaps someday I can figure it all out.  We all have our issues.  today they are just really showing up.  Its a bit of a downer...I struggle with downer days.  Wish I didn't have to but I do.  Its me...whether I like me or not...its me!

Isn't this the truth?

     I read this post and it felt as if it was me writing it.   It says it all...it made me feel normal...human...and that it is okay to feel the way I do some days!!  It is funny how you can have all of these feelings and all of a sudden somehow something sends it into your life...like its supposed to show up at that time to give you strength...faith...and a feeling of peace just when you need it.  Isn't it amazing how God sends us a message.  We walk right into it just at the right time.  We just have to be open to receiving it....something I work on daily...being open to what God wants to give to me and teach me! 
     

I love my boys....

I sure love my boys and the entertainment they give me....endless that is for sure!!

Is there a way?

     I was just telling Doug yesterday that I just can't seem to get the feel for things lately.  I am struggling with decisions lately.  I have a dream...goal...or desire whatever ya want to call it to be at home more...or else work "smarter"   I love my job...love my family...but right now just feel this house and my kids need me more right now.  Especially as summer approaches.  Sooo....how do you go from a steady income to cutting back a bit?  I would like to quit daycare all together to save some money....work less scheduled shifts and perhaps pick up some pm  (3-11) shifts that allow me to still make some money but be home more during the day this summer.  I just can't make up my mind....or think of ways to cut the budget some to make it less of a need to work.  
     I look at the calander and all the obligations...kids activities...Doug's meetings....and I think how much smoother it would be if I can just be at home more to run the home front....I think this summer it would work since the older girls could do some...just some...babysitting for me so that I can work the evening shift....I truly try not to make them watch the other kids too much because I don't want that thrown in my face when they get older.
     I love being at home...I know I say this ALL the time....but I can't help it.  Is is my anxiety that makes me want to stay home...cuz the more I am pulled from home...the farther I get behind...or is it me wanting to isolate myself in our large family living...or...perhaps its just the love of my kiddos and home making me want to stay put....?????
     Creative budgeting and thinking is what I need to focus on now.  I feel like a broken record.  I know that God never gives us more than we can handle....he will provide...things happen for a reason.  The answers will come to me...in time...its just me wanting answers NOW...patience is not always my best feature...

   ...I look at this picture...it gives me peace..we all walk together..I am blessed!
 

Ohhh...sooo tired!

M

Miss Delaney....oh soo tired today!!  She was listening to her CMT songs that she likes...while the mom was putting the other boys to bed...cuz Delaney always seems to be the last one to bed...she was waiting for her last nursing of the day but couldn't make it....and this is how I found her in her exer-saucer.   Sweetie pie!!  I love her so!!

Double Trouble?....Not this time!!

T

I walked outside to check on my two young men...cuz it was way  too quiet outside...and we all know as parents that when its quiet there is trouble...but I was way wrong...this is what I found.  Grant is wearing this baseball hat that is from when Doug was a kid.  It was one of the sweetest things I have seen.  These boys bring me more smiles each day... I don't want this time to slip by soo fast ..  Which for some reason these days just keep going by faster and faster.  I need life to SLOW down...slow down and let these moments absorb into me. 

Easter 2010

Holen Easter...lots of kids...lots of eggs to find...

 All the kids on the hay rack...missing Billy and baby Delaney!

One day at a time...

Monday morning..another week to begin.  Will we be able to get it all done?

I had an interesting conversation with my co-worker Lori yesterday...talking about all

the thoughts that go through our head in a minute or an hour...how many of these thoughts are a waste of our energy?   How does one "captivate" our thoughts?  I thought about this all evening last nite...I just don't know how to do this.  In our house there at times is soo much

stimuli that I don't know how to hang on to the positive thoughts...the productive thoughts..and how do you let go of the worries..negative..and exhausting thoughts that creep into your head all day?  

I can become consumed by the to do...what not to do...and how I should be or not be....but that is one busy brain....no wonder why i get tired...=)

So Today....I am going to try and have a day of blocking out the thoughts that drain me...worry me...and cause me to be not in the moment..

I like my moments each day so shouldn't we all try to enjoy them...but saying and doing are two different things!!

Daily challanges....daily goals....and daily baby steps!!

DITTO!!

Reading this post...was like going....yes..at least someone else gets the way I feel!! I read these posts and just went ahhhh...I am normal. I too can't imagine my life without the children...yes 7 children...that I have!! I have found since baby #3 the grief, teasing, questioning..started. And with each baby I have felt the need to DEFEND why I am pregnant. Why in the world would any person have to defend the life that grows in her? Then the guilt would come after that because I allowed these "people" to make me feel this way. It is a viscious circle. Then sometimes with the pregancy I would feel the need to not tell people for a VERY LONG time so I would avoid the negative comments!! Now I look back and go why should I have to hide something so amazing and such a miracle ...shouldn't I be able to enjoy and love every precious day that that life grew in me? Don't get me wrong...I did enjoy every day of it..but it was work...work to avoid the comments...negativity..and work to try to understand why people feel the need to view a large family as "crazy". All I know is that I have a crazy, fun, loving life everyday and wouldn't have it any other way. This is what I can get in a day:

14 arms to wrap around me....7 smiles to warm my heart...
7 heads to give a loving hug to...and 14 hands to hold...and 7 bellies to tickle...and 7 mouths to listen giggle, laugh, and share their days with me!! I also get to enjoy watching with my 2 eyes these 7 children love each other in their own unique way and know that at the end of the day they are happy, healthy and feel loved!!

7 gems....

For my birthday this year...I got this...Love it and feel sooo blessed to have such a nice line-up of "gems"!! I never knew the true meaning of the mothers ring...the two bands on the top and bottom stand for the parents and all the gems in the middle are the children!! I was on a good pattern...october..march...october
.april...october.
..july...september..
October seemed to be my month huh?
Love my hubby for getting this for me!! I am blessed!

7 years ago today...

So I was 33 years old and pregnant while going to RN school. It was going to be baby number 4 for us!! The pregnancy went well and fast since I was also busy with school and being a mom to 3 other kiddos. I was 37 weeks and had to see Dr. N instead of my regular dr and was measuring like 5 weeks larger...thus sent me over for a ultrasound right away...found out I had a big baby in there! So I switched dr's at the last minute and decided to get induced at 38 weeks since baby was so big.
So on Tuesday April 11th...I quickly ran to the college to turn in a last minute paper...and then arriving a bit late at the hospital ...was admitted and the pitocin was started!! By noon I was not such a happy camper..water was broke...and then the real pain started...I look back now and realize that I was bonkers...yes bonkers...on the ceiling and crazy with pain...I could not get a grip and so without any drugs I quickly went from 4 - 10 cm in about an hour or so and had Mathias Lee at 6:18pm. He weighed 8pounds 11 oz and had a bruised head cuz he came sooo fast down that canal!! YIKES!! We didn't know we were having a boy so it was a nice surprise!! This is one birth that I did with no pain meds...and it was work but well worth it!!
I can't believe he is 7 already!! He walked at around 13 months...has been a boy on the go ever since then!! He is a farmer in the making!! Loves dirt, tractors, and anything that has to do with the fields. He loves John Deere and also has endless energy!! He loves his brothers...and we love him!!

you know its spring....

Well..you know it is spring around the Holen Hills farm when the baby chics are growing...the tractor is spreading the winters' manure around...and kids are playing endlessly outside!! Love it!! Doug is in his glory driving his 4020 john deere...after all it was his grandpas that he grew up on!! The only thing that is yet to arrive are the pigs. We plan on getting 10 baby ones this year. And this weekend Doug is hauling some of our cattle over here so the calving can begin too!! I love spring!

The tire swing is up and in full force...the kids bikes are arranged in the driveway...and the toy tractors occupy the driveway which means every time we pull up we have to honk to get someone to clear the way for the garage. I am soo glad we have this wide open space for our kids to run in. Grant even got to help pitch some manure too...he was in his glory!

Gotta run...Delaney is calling my name. Enjoy the sunshine this weekend!!

Ahhh...home sweet home!!

Finished up a short stretch of nite shifts and ohhh a day
at home...well kind of...gotta do some running..
but its home with the 3 little ones!! Yippee!!
I can't believe how things pile up after working only 2 nite shifts!
I have laundry coming out my ears...and paperwork and phone calls
to be made...but I can hear Miss Delaney babbling up in her crib
and that is what I really enjoy having to do today...take care of
her and her two brothers!! The sun is shining...kids are smiling
it doesn't get any better!!

17 YEARS!!!!

So today is Doug and I's 17th anniversary!!
Where has the time gone? I can't believe it!! I met him at the University of Minnesota St Paul back in 1990...he followed me to the bus stop...although he will say I followed him...we had a Chemistry class of 500 together and always sat in the same area. Well turned out we had the same group of friends and ....well the dating started and then wedding bells!! It was a beautiful day that day!! It had snowed a few days before so I was a bit nervous...but it melted and the sun shined and it was PERFECT!! The bridesmaids had floral print on and it was a spring theme!! We had a blast celebrating with all of our family and friends!!

So in 17 years ~~~~ a recap of things we have done...
Had 7 children...2 miscarriages
Have lived in Montana, Arizona, and Minnesota
Enjoyed living in the foothills of the mountains in Montana
Spent many days visiting Glacier Park
Owned 2 homes now...and the one we are in now our dream!!
Spent countless hours alone with our children!!
Traveled to Mexico twice.
Spent countless hours with our children...oh yeah I already said that! =)
Honeymooned in Branson, MO
Built a hobby farm that we love to call home!
Been through tough times and good times TOGETHER!!
Raised our kids to be honest, loving and special kids...still doing this.
Have celebrated many occasions with family...cuz family is #1!
Have learned to love the land and appreciate the good!

So today I am thankful for the 17 years that I have had with my Dougie. He is a hard worker, an awesome father, a tender heart..when he lets you see it...and a realistic and down to earth guy! He can manage any situation..sometimes too much..hehe..but I love him!

I love my baby Delaney's toes...how can one not?
Perfectly created by a power greater than us all.
ten of them...they curl...they are ticklish..
and they are all mine to enjoy!!

wasted energy!!

How much wasted energy can occur when two people have to figure out who is right and who is wrong? I just don't get it....I would rather just go with the flow and whatever is...is!!
But...I live with a spouse who likes it one way and only that way...so I try...try
very hard to make things the "right way" but i just can not seem to succeed!!
Any suggestions out there? I know I am not perfect...but all I know is that my intentions are always good and my effort is always present.
I guess I am just frustrated. I value the little things in life and when two people tend to start to dwell on how those little things need to be just so...it irritates me...no it actually infuriates me!! I don't want to be right and I don't want to be wrong...I just want to be...does anyone else out there have that goal for each day? That has been mine now for a long time and I am not having much luck reaching it!! Work...it takes work...time and a lot of time!
Don't get me wrong..my spouse is one of a kind...helpful...caring...a great daddy...a hard worker but has this idea of perfection that I just can't seem to get him to lower a bit!!
Today....another attempt of me giving...only to be told it was all wrong. I need some strength and morale to pick me up because right now I am low...so low!! I just look over at Miss Delaney and smile though...she thinks I am perfect!!

Letting go

So I am the youngest of 4 children. I have one older sister, Sandi, who is 9 years older than me. We used to be close...note the words "used to be". Growing up she watched over me...although through the years I have had that rubbed in my face....and then when she moved onto college she still came home often to hang with me and I visited her often as well. We used to laugh, giggle, go to movies, go shopping together and just hang out. Things have changed. I recognize that her life is sooo different than mine...I lead a country, large family, busy life that is filled with simplicity and just being at home, where she lives in the cities...married for now 2 years..(that is a whole other issue...the spouse) no children, always been very career orientated...very focused on her own needs and runs or shuts people out if she does not like what they have to say. Well...on December 12th...she shut me out of her life. She told me via email that she was "done with me". This is so difficult for me to take. I have to honestly say I am probably one of the nicest, easy going and passive person one could meet or be related to. She on the other hand views me differently I guess. I know that her spouse and the verbal abuse and control of him has changed her into someone I no longer know. It is a long story..one that has ups and downs over the years but its of late that I struggle with her shutting me out and me knowing that we will never be "sisters" until "he" is out of her life. That is a hard one to grasp..comprehend..and even think about some days....so perhaps in another post I will continue this story...but today I am just thinking about how does one let go of something that is supposed to be so important in my life...my kids life...and not be angry but rather accepting of what she has done.????
To be continued....