Simply said....

Words ....we should live by!

Little but big....

Delaney Ann....for some reason I LoVe her little feet.   So soft..cushy...yet loud pitter patter in the kitchen.  She curls her little toes...she puts them in the air with delight.  I love them with fresh clean..snug sockies on!  They may be so little...but are such a big part of what I love on her!

My Delaney!!

 My daughter...my 3rd daughter who has brought me more joy

than I could have ever imagined!

She is a little sister to 6 others...who find as much joy in her as I do!

She completes this Holen Gang!

She smiles...she laughs...and she makes us smile and laugh!

Days when I see nothing but over-whelming

duties...bills...life...I just look at her and realize

that it is my family...my daughter and my other

children that is all I need.

They are my life...they may cause me to be overwhelmed..crabby...short

tempered at times...but they also give me soo much more.

An awareness that miracles are given to us for a reason and that their innocence and

unconditional love is a blessing!

They make us see that the little things ARE the big things!

I love her!

She loves me!

I lover her feet...her ankles...her little toes that pat..pat..pat across the floor every day!

Sounds that I NEVER want to forget...and want to stay this way forever!

One of the many reasons I want to be by her all the time!

finally...

Who would think that 12 days could be sooo long?

I feel a bit guilty about even writing this post since it was my husband that truly felt the "pain" and I mean pain for the last 12 days. but....this pain

had its effect on the ENTIRE household.

Patience was the thinnest I have ever seen it...

My mood swing...or depression was at its fastest roller coaster ride

ever!!

Kids were more over-whelming than most days.

Noise was something that was an undesirable thing.

Silence was a treat and to be able to go to bed

was heavenly..to get away from it all!

I felt like I was coaching a labor patient all nite long.

I had empathy for him..my husband that is.

I would have taken his pain for a day or two just to give him

a break.  I would have gone to the bathroom for him too just

to give him a break.

It has been exhausting and has in another way opened my

eyes to what people who deal with much bigger health issues for more than 12 days...wow...the strength they have must be amazing and never-ending!

So although...I care not to do these last 12 days over..I am trying to see the blessing it has taught me in appreciating good health..pain free living and a house that is filled with peace and respect.

The last 12 days has not given our family that.  We have  been rude to one another...short...fighting...and impatient.

I know that it will probably take another 12 days to get the normalcy back into this house.  

I knew this morning it had been way too long because Delaney went running with her happy face to our bedroom looking for Dada since that is where he has been for soo long...and to her surprise he was not there!!  He was up..showered and ready to enjoy his first day back to work!  A smile on his face...a new pep in his step and also beads of sweat on his forehead due to fatigue!  But its all good for now!!  

Thank you Lord for giving us the strength to endure this hurdle in our lives and I know many people have much bigger things to tackle daily...and help them too!  You give us strength to fight..fight til things seem brighter and hopeful!

So here is to strength..power...and faith that things can improve!!

Letting go of the guilt...

I have the disease to please...

Does anyone know the cure?

I have had this all my life...back to when I can remember...probably at the age of 7 already..

Making friends happy on the playground...even when it maybe made me sad inside.

In junior and high school you may have well called me a push-over...cuz if someone even blew on me I would have fallen over just to please them at my expense.

That has created some bitterness in me.

I want that time back...I wish I knew now what I didn't know then.

Those moments were soo large at that time in my life at that time...but now are so small in the big picture...except for their lingering effects.

I am a work in progress.   

Medication...and now re-starting therapy to get through these things that can bring me down..down to places I hate to go!  Clouds couldn't roll in any darker when those moments come.  That is what is scary to me...I don't know when the storm will come...I don't have any warning system to let me know , no beep..beep beep across the tv telling me the storm is coming.  It hits me like a ton of bricks...a sickening feeling in my gut is really the only warning I get along with a racing heart.  It is sad to think that this heart of mine that would do anything for anyone has to race...race to try and seek shelter from my fears and the storm that is settling in.

These last 12 days...were easily at times a storm.  I made it through.

We all did.  I just find myself wondering why does this have to plague me...rob me of time that I can't get back.  I have turned it over to God now in the last 6 months as I hope to find a reason for the soul searching and the need to finally work on the answers to what has made me this way.  

Time...that is all I have to get this done along with perhaps some strength that the higher power can give to me!

So today...I continue to try and let go of the guilt that makes me on a daily basis put every body else's needs before mine.  Maybe I can let myself eat my cereal today before I give to everyone else first...its a start right??

Sisters..

Kaitlyn and Julia

Sisters....friends...for sure!!

It warms my heart to know that my first two daughters are close.

They are close in age...only 16 months apart.

I can still see Kaitlyn following Julia around as they both were toddlers..

and now as they are teenagers growing up way too fast,   I look at them

and wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have each other...to giggle with

to wrestle around with...and to share stories with!

They are blessed beyond what they even know yet.  I am sure this will come

when they are older.  Warms a moms heart to see them be such pals!!

Julia...serious..mature and a list maker together with Kaitlyn a go with the flow

kind of gal...for sure not a list maker and obviously always dreaming of something.

The combination of them is funny..silly..cute and wonderful all at once!

That is what sisters are for.  Today I am thankful for what the two of them bring to my life.

 

Coming to an end...

My medical leave is coming to an end.

It has been a blessing again to be at home.

I have always every couple years had a little

reprieve from my work due to maternity leaves

and now this time from a surgery.

I enjoy being at home...sometimes too much.

I tend to isolate myself...stick close to my little ones

because they love me no matter what..

they don't care if I am a chubby, messy haired, or quiet that day.

They come to me and give me daily if not hourly hugs.

I will miss that.  Even though I only work part time..

I still have to leave home.

I do love my work..and once I am there I am fine...

but...I like my home!

So as it comes to an end...back to the work routine I will go.

There has been lots of "ends" in this experience.

An end to birthing babies...an end to being at home for days upon days.  

I have handled this change for the most part pretty well.

I still have some "grey" days and they do come and go and at times 

can linger...but as the sun starts to shine the next day I pick up my head off

my pillow and try to put one foot in front of the other and look

at what I have and be thankful and try not to dwell on the "end" 

of things.

So here is to new days....new beginnings...and a whole lot of faith along the way!!

What do I really want?