Letting go of the guilt...

I have the disease to please...

Does anyone know the cure?

I have had this all my life...back to when I can remember...probably at the age of 7 already..

Making friends happy on the playground...even when it maybe made me sad inside.

In junior and high school you may have well called me a push-over...cuz if someone even blew on me I would have fallen over just to please them at my expense.

That has created some bitterness in me.

I want that time back...I wish I knew now what I didn't know then.

Those moments were soo large at that time in my life at that time...but now are so small in the big picture...except for their lingering effects.

I am a work in progress.   

Medication...and now re-starting therapy to get through these things that can bring me down..down to places I hate to go!  Clouds couldn't roll in any darker when those moments come.  That is what is scary to me...I don't know when the storm will come...I don't have any warning system to let me know , no beep..beep beep across the tv telling me the storm is coming.  It hits me like a ton of bricks...a sickening feeling in my gut is really the only warning I get along with a racing heart.  It is sad to think that this heart of mine that would do anything for anyone has to race...race to try and seek shelter from my fears and the storm that is settling in.

These last 12 days...were easily at times a storm.  I made it through.

We all did.  I just find myself wondering why does this have to plague me...rob me of time that I can't get back.  I have turned it over to God now in the last 6 months as I hope to find a reason for the soul searching and the need to finally work on the answers to what has made me this way.  

Time...that is all I have to get this done along with perhaps some strength that the higher power can give to me!

So today...I continue to try and let go of the guilt that makes me on a daily basis put every body else's needs before mine.  Maybe I can let myself eat my cereal today before I give to everyone else first...its a start right??