Hurry up Spring!

Please Spring hurry up...I need to smell Lilacs!

 

The 3 Amigos!

Griffin,  Ginger, and Gracie!  Loving life on our deck! It is my daily view that I am thankful everyday .

 

They sit all day....play all day...and watch us inside walk around...listen to kiddos laugh, cry..and run around as well!   They must wonder what kind of zoo they are a part of!

Dogs are a passion of mine.   At the age of 3 I would disappear to the neighbors house and crawl into their dogs' house and hid and of course the dog would follow right behind me and protect me from MY OWN MOTHER!!   Teeth showing, growling to keep me safe..as a mom now I know my mom must have been peeing her pants in fear!!  But I never had fear of them.  I loved them then...and I love them now.   Since I have been having babies for the last 16 years I haven't had much time for my passions.   So now as these puppies grow..I will start to enjoy my passion again.   Obedience trials, classes here we come as soon as this snow goes away!   I can't wait!

I really want to bring this love of mine back in the front of my life right beside my kids and hopefully they too can have a love for these doggies of ours..which I know they already do ..but little do they know how smart we can actually help them to become and how obedient.  

14 years ago today

Happy Birthday to Kelsey Marie Hauge!!

 

My niece, my brothers daughter...my sister n law Pam's daughter..

who was with us for a short 2 weeks due to a heart defect.

Perfect on the outside....yet so ill on the inside.

Her deformed heart taught us soo much about what we should all have in our

perfect hearts.   Love, faith...strength and the realization that life is a gift and that each day we should treasure.   Treasure that we have one another!

She had lots of dark hair...she had chubby cheeks...she had perfect toes and fingers but she had a body that God gave her that could only live for a short while.   But God had a plan...in that short while he brought us closer...he allowed us to sit and share stories and shed tears together.

He let us hold her and love her for the time she was here.  Those 14 days...were a gift!!  Each minute...each second a gift!

She may not be here for us to squeeze or giggle with...but she is in our hearts!   FOREVER!!

Hugs to Pam and Steve!   They are two of the strongest people I know!

The loss of a child...an infant child ...how do you ever get past it?

I don't think you do...you learn from it..and realize that life is special and noone knows when it will end...except God!

It is coming...

I have had a good day so far...

now here it is 5:38 pm and I can feel it coming.

Anxiety...attack...panic...setting in.

My heart is racing...I feel shaky...why can't I make it stop?

Perhaps you are all saying..."well...look at how you live...I would have anxiety too."

But that is not the case at all!!   At all!!

I sit here with just quiet Delaney and Grant who is as easy going as they come.

Noone else is home.  Boys and daddy are gone wrestling...girls not home yet from practice.

So why is it coming?   I can't pin point it.

I want it to stop...I just want it to stop for one day.

Can I Lord please have one day where I don't have this feeling.

It is a feeling of gloom....doom...sadness and like my heart is going to stop.

I hate it.   I get mad at myself too...why can't I talk myself out of it?

I try.   I read books...I breathe deep and I look at all I have to be thankful for but it doesn't make "it" go away.

So out to the kitchen I go to pop yet another pill to help calm me because I need to keep going...keep up the front...keep up the smile on my face for my children.

They don't need to know their mom is a mess inside.

Support...I try to surround myself with it but it just doesn't seem like enough.

I want to sleep...sleep...cry...hide all day!

Perhaps then...maybe then I can make "it " go away!

**don't worry about me...these posts generally depict a mess of a gal but I use this blog as a way to put my thoughts into therapy...so don't judge me, label me...because I do have a heart of gold and want to be the best I can!!*

Another bright light reminder

Sad news for Underwood.....I am not going to elaborate on this blog the details because those in our small community know the tragedy that has happened. 

Another HUGE reminder to appreciate every minute we have with someone...tell them you love them everyday...give them a hug everyday....forget about the little things in life such as bills....dishes...laundry.etc etc and know that each day...each hour and each breath we take is a gift!!

My heart aches tonite....the tears have fallen in the Holen house!!  May God watch over us all and help us keep going...and keep close to one another!!

Peek - a -boo!

Wishing that summer would come...calves will arrive...and what a peaceful sight it is!!

Peace...a true desire within this family!  Can this picture speak anything but peace...contentment and the newness of life!!

Pathway to....

Our driveway....a path to open spaces.   Wide open spaces full of country scenes.

Right now in my life...trying to head down a new path.  A path to a more confident...content..less anxious mom.  I started to realize I needed to start to focus on a new path about 6 months ago and have truly tried to turn it over to a power greater than me.  I start each day with eyes and ears that are much more open to...receptive to and willing to receive messages that come my way.   Sometimes these messages are subtle ...sometimes very loud!!  

The other night I was giving Marcus a bath in our sink...he is still such a little guy I can do that.  Anyways I have a hummingbird that hangs above our sink that is from my aunt Carol who passed away 3 years ago now.  This bird hung above her sink as well.  It is a daily reminder of her and the blessing she was in our life.  Anyways...when I wash the kids hair in the sink I always tell them to look up to the hummingbird...look up.  Well Marcus knows that this bird he is looking at was Carol's.   So he asked me  "why did Carol have to die?"  I simply and sadly stated that "her heart got tired" and that she is in "heaven now watching over us".   Marcus thought long and hard for and then returned with a response that made me realize that he gets that death can happen to anyone.  He says to me..."mommy...will your heart get tired?"  I calmly re-assured him that my heart is a lot younger and shouldn't get tired.  He then asked "can my heart get tired too?"  I then told him that a 5 year old's heart is way too young to get tired.  I told him that Carol had had lots of birthdays and that her heart got tired because she was older and was sick.

We both were quiet for awhile then...I think we were both thinking about our hearts.  I thought of Carol's heart and although it became tired...it was a giving one.

So getting back to the pathway that I have decided to pursue truly stems from the absence that has been felt ever since Carol has died.   She has made me want to make myself better...it took me awhile after she passed away to realize what that void was trying to tell me...but I have come to realize I have work to do.  I take baby steps each day...sometimes backwards..but with time and the little conversations with my children...it helps me keep going in the direction I want to go!  A path that will lead me to peace within my core.  What path are you going down...and what does that path mean to you???

Hard workin' boots!

These boots..they belong to my husband who spends many hours..going above and beyond to provide for us! Thank you for your steps each day that give us guidance and the love that we need to be the Holen Hills Family!  You are loved!

 

Supersweet ....what else?

He doesn't even know how much his words warm my heart....

Here is just a sample of what I got to hear this evening...

"Momma....I love you soo much...and I want to give you 5 hugs..because I am 5"

"You da best"

"A kiss for you too momma"

"Tuck me in mommy...."

What a blessing...such simple dialogue but filled with sooo much meaning!!

This is why I love...love...love being a mom!

15 years ago today....

Kaitlyn Janece Holen...our second daughter who arrived only but 16 months after our

first daughter.  Many who offered their opinions

as to "already"...or "another one?"   But we wanted it

just that way!!  What she has filled our lives with is amazing.

Just like the way she entered into our lives.

We were living in Mesa Arizona and I was 25 at the time.

In denial about being in labor since my first go round was 19 hours long and 3 hours of pushing...I thought this time would be the same...so when I could no longer breathe...talk ...walk..we decided it was time to go.

Now looking back...I should have gone long before that.

We had to bring Julia to grandma and grandpa..who were spending the winter in Az...lucky us!!

We loved having them near!!

So after over an hour on the road...we finally on the interstate almost to the Desert Samaritan

hospital in Mesa...yep...we came across an accident and many police cars as they were about

to block the freeway off....at this point I demanded that we are to get through or this baby was coming in the car!!

We did make it....I arrived dilated to 9.5 and a bulging bag of water...with the nurse saying it was only that amazing strong...life holding bag that kept her in me that allowed us to make it there!

She arrived with very little effort...and A GIRL it was!!  We were soo excited to have "the girls" now!

What fun it has been!!  I still remember Doug saying."remember now...this will probably be the last baby so enjoy it.".....ha....little did he know...5 more would come and with each one a new  dynamic in the house along with many wonderful labor stories!!

So here is to Kaitlyn...our honest...loving...athletic...shy...and giddy all mixed together...a love for animals..a dreamer...and most of all OURS!!

We love you!