Silence is Golden....

Do you ever have moments when you say something...and then wish you could

just grab it right back?  Well I guess I did that today.  Worst thing is that I didn't even speak it

I texted it!!   Yikes did I make an expolosion!!

All my life I have kept quiet...helped keep the peace at my own cost..

I have let numerous people in my life control me...say mean things...bully me as a child..

and NEVER once stood up for myself or stated my feelings or opinion.  

I was the shy Kim who still is at times and suffers from the "disease to please"

Well today....I guess perhaps it is only the 3rd time in my life I have spewed off my opinion to my sister...

(who has shut me out of her life for now about 11 months)   It was only about 8 words and I have been quiet for 11 months and I guess my whole adult life...and boy did I cause an uproar!!

I don't think I have ever been yelled at ....scolded more..or threatened by anyone the way I was today by her spouse.

I know I "texted" on impulse but it hurts to be shut out...it hurts that your own sister chooses a life without me and my children.   I am no saint...but I also know that in the depths of my heart I have never purposefully hurt another...I am not wired that way.  I have feelings...I have fears...I usually keep them to myself...because of this exact reason...cuz when I do speak...and yes I admit today I was feeling rather sassy, I pay the price!

I have been educated more today on what peoples real colors can be more than any other day

of my life.

My lesson today is that silence is truly golden...even if the words needed to be said...wanted to be said.

I should not have spoke! (even though I do feel I have a right)

I have been burned for the last time.   I guess I have to come to the realization that my sister would rather be without me....and when I turned to my brother for support or an opinion today...he too told me I made an error and pretty much closed his ears to me as well.

I am turning this fear...hurt...and guilt over to God today!

This Kim is done...done ...done!!

I wave my white flag...I surrender...I give up!

I am alone but stronger for it!

5 years ago today....

10.14.05 was a good day.   Marcus Arlan joined our family at 8:32 pm.

This pregnancy with our 5th child was different.  We actually knew that we were

having a boy.  We never knew with any of the others.  We decided to go for induction due to just

the business of our lives and wanting to have our others looked after.

It was a long day.  He arrived with no troubles and ended up being our smallest one

that far.   7 pounds 5 ounces.  A peanut to us.  We were used to 8 pounders at least.  

He had his own look and we soon discovered that he had earned the label of being

the easiest baby we had so far.

He would watch and watch everything.  He slept 4-5 hour stretches from the first nite on.

I really enjoyed him!  

We still enjoy him.   He is our supersweet.  His smile is never-ending.

He loves farming and loves his family.

and his family loves him!!

 

Thoughts for Tuesday...

So in one of my previous posts...I had mentioned I was gonna go visit my brother.

I did last Thursday 10.7.10.

He died in 1987, I was a junior in high school.

I sat in the grass for about a half hour or so enjoying the 

beautiful fall weather...the breeze...and brushed the grass that

had stuck to his headstone from the previous mowings.

I cried...because in no way after all these years does it get any easier

when you know your brother took his own life.

I taped photos of my kids on and left a bottle of Pepsi for him.

He would have enjoyed my kids.

He would have enjoyed lots of other things too had he not made

the choice he did.  

I will never know why...nor will I understand.

I just have to accept and be thankful for what time

I was given with him.

I know he is still near us...watching....and

probably wondering too if his choice was the right one.

I have to disagree with his choice but then again

that would be selfish of me.

I miss his smile, his jokes and seeing him drive

in his Mach 1 cars.

He could have been...

He should have been...

But he is not.

I do know that he is missed and words may go unspoken but

we think of him daily.

Mark Russel Hauge

Am I listening?

So as you have read in my previous entries...you all know that I am trying, and I mean trying to 

work on me a little bit and just find some strength from a higher power.

Soooo....Let me start my story.

Sunday I wanted to go visit my parents..with some kids that were healthy

cuz since my dad started a new Chemo...gotta keep in good health!!

So we packed up the suburban with some kiddos and of course....the puppies!!

My dad loves dogs....soo a treat it would be to have them come for a visit!

But a half hour down the road..the suburb starts to drive "funny".   It was swerving weird.

So luckily I was right at the 4 way stop after Henning and pulled over in the lot of the little

'ol cafe there.  I called our insurance....because we do have roadside but of course

no luck...being on hold forever got me nowhere and finally I just walked

into the cafe with the look of a woman that has no clue what to do and was

hoping someone in there could help.  Well.....a guy stood up and said he could

take a look and he did...no tire jack...nothing to get the spare even out to change.

Then as we stand there scratching our heads another man and his wife offer their help.

So long story shorter....after an hour and half of these nice men working on my

suburb its ready to roll...back home of course and I offered something for 

their time but quickly they stated in sync..."no we won't take a thing.  We have been helped

and now we have helped.  We just did this as a favor.  Its the way its supposed to be"

 So I thank them as much as I can and on our way, with disappointed kids on board,

back home.

Well then this morning I opened my devotional book that I have been reading each

day....guess what the title is??   Yep of course you guessed it.

"Paying it forward"

My mouth fell open and I thought ..boy someone is trying

to talk to me...am I listening?

Well let me tell you...I was this morning!!

Amazing how things happen and open your eyes.

So now its my turn to do that favor to someone else...

I will let you know when I have paid it forward!!

Listen.....can you hear it?   I bet you can if you try.

I have been trying and its slowly getting louder and louder for me!

So...I challenge you to pay it forward too!

 

Time to re-visit

It's been many years since I have seen my brother Mark.

Perhaps becuase he is in heaven.

He died in 1987.

He took his life.

Words are few about him anymore but the thoughts are always there.

He is missed.  I hope he is happy though where he has chosen to go.

So lately I have been thinking I need to go see him.

He is buried in Faribault, MN, my hometown.

It has been about 4 or 5 years since I have been there so this

Thursday I have decided to drive to Faribault to pay a little 

visit to him and remember....remember him and his nice smile,

his joy for fishing, and his love of Pepsi.  I think I may just have

to bring him a can of it.  He might enjoy that.

I am hoping to go alone.   Just so that I can have my own time...I don't get much of that.  

I wish our family would not have had to deal with this tragedy many 

years ago...but we did and we have grown, changed, and some of us have 

learned what really matters, while there are others in my family who still

just don't "get it". 

The fall colors will be pretty and I will wash his tombstone and get it nice and shiny.

Perhaps the sun will shine down that day as well.....

In this home....

We do second chances.

We do grace.

We do real.

We do mistakes.

We do I'm sorrys.

We do loud really well.

We do hugs.

We do family.

We do love.