My Miss Delaney is 3!!

How can she be 3 already?

Where has the time gone?  I remember this fall day as she lay sleeping in her chair not even bothered by all the chatter of her siblings or the wind from the breeze.

She has grown up to quite the little young lady.  Full of energy, bubbly, humor that is unpredictable and love that comes from her just when you need it.   She loves her siblings and loves yelling at the top of her lungs every night  "Night boys!!"  and they are all quick to yell right back with their usual "love you's" to follow.  Warms my heart.

Her blue eyes warm your soul and her strong personality will be a benefit to her as she grows.  6 Holen kiddos are in school now so some days it is just her and I following each other around with giggles and smiles.  We even some days have to sneak in a bit of quiet time.

I remember announcing her arrival and people thought I was crazy to have 7 children...because most people think you are to have a large family.  But I knew it would complete us and the announcement that it was a GIRL....completed us that is for sure.

So I thank the Lord for giving me Delaney Ann!!  She is a busy and good girl and loves her family and loves all the parts of farm life!!  As I watch our oldest enter our senior year it reminds me that I need to enjoy these younger years because before you can blink an eye....they are grown!!

Love you Miss Delaney and Happy 3rd Birthday!!

 

Where is my crystal ball?

Where is the crystal ball that I need right now to tell me what the future holds for me?   So many decisions to make...wishing that I knew what the outcome would be with whatever decision I would make...that way I could just pick one...and MOVE ON!!

I have been soo busy gathering info, researching and going to appointments that I just don't know how to make the right choice.

Monday is the big day for me...the surgeon will give his opinion...and another surgeon will hopefully give me guidance as well.  I am anxious for Monday yet afraid as well.

A week ago today I could not even walk...I crawled up the steps and crawled to my bed in pain.  The days are so unpredictable.  Now the last few haven't been too bad...or tolerable at least.

I have this nagging feeling in my heart that although this journey that I am on now is not what I want ...yet I think it is happening for a reason.  Not only for my health but also to point me perhaps in a new direction.  Not sure what that really even means...I just know that change is coming for me.  

I get the feeling that people that I thought cared about me ...really don't and those that do..really do!  

I am drawn to anything that has to do with faith and prayer...I look at everything that happens each day as perhaps a whisper from God or sometimes a big loud yell to listen to him and have no fear.

That is hard to do some days.  I have a lot of people to tend to and for me to be slowed down is difficult.  I don't like having extra attention on me or being a burden to people.  It is difficult to ask for extra help now and then but lately I have had to do that.  My sweet Marcus the other day said to me..."oh mommy, I forgot last night when I prayed to ask God to fix your back."  I was so touched by that because I had just read the younger boys a book a couple nights before about praying and how you can do it anywhere, anytime, and any way you want to.  And he REMEMBERED it!

I love that when your child shows that they actually DO listen to things you say.  

 So I will continue on this journey knowing that I will have guidance from above to make the right decision!!  And that I am thankful for!

Dealing with fear!

Does anyone out there struggle with anxiety or fear for the unknown?

I have been awful lately.  Heart racing...my stomach in knots and feeling as if something was choking me...I tremble and try to talk some sense into myself..but it just hasn't been working lately.

I am afraid.   I am vulnerable...and I hate this feeling that seems to sneak right up on me in the morning and seize me and I beg to have it disappear.

It isn't something you just want to chit chat about.  I find myself embarassed or ashamed that I have this struggle in my life.  Noone can fix it for me...noone but simply me!!  

I try each and every day to turn my fears over to God.  It is hard to do though.  Those feelings of gloom have a way of re-appearing and I need to start all over on the process of getting them to go away.

I read my book....I spend time reading my favorite blogs that I follow.

I tend to isolate myself vs consume myself with things around me that would help me distracted.  It is a nasty cycle...up and down...relaxed...tense.  

I have fear for my health lately...hoping things change for me and I can get back to myself.  I have fear that I am a burden to my family.  I have a lot of fears...many foolish...yet so real to me!!

What do you do to help yourself diffuse the fire of anxiety and fear that can overcome yourself?

I need advice.

I need peace and I know that with my FAITH I can find it.  It just may take some time I believe.

Please don't think I am a looney tune for exrpessing my fears...I think a lot of people struggle with but like me....they keep it to themselves until they just can't take it anymore and this is when the true feelings come out.  They are not always good but at times it may be needed.  

Need a hug?

Ya have one of those days where all you just need is a hug?

I have lots of those days.  The other day it was a bit chilly out...and I can't help but think of my dad this time of year.  He would be getting ready for annual trip to Canada to go goose hunting.  He would plan and plan for that trip.  This picture was taken the summer of 2010 and he was planning then for that fall.

Anyways...back to my point.  I went to go grab a coat and my dad's coat stuck out at me that day.  I put it on...all fuzzy and warm and it felt like a big hug from him wrapped around me.  I just needed a hug that day...especially from him!!

  I could sense him near me.  I do alot!!

He is thought about...missed a lot and dreamed about...as he was a blessing to us that we all need to remember!

This photo was a day my parents came over to visit.  My dad moved slowly that day...weak from his chemo..but still took the time to stop...sit down...and pull those puppies close to him and give them a little hug.  The naturally sat still and enjoyed him.  I enjoyed him too that day.  He visited a little bit.

He was quiet then...which was unusual for him but we knew it was the cancer that was making him quieter.

He did come to the table after a nap in our chair and visit for awhile.  We talked about not giving up and hanging on to the wonderful progress he was making.

Remembering days like those helps the loss of him not feel so ripe.  Tears still flow.  I think they will for a long time.  I get scared some days with him not here...but I know he is watching over us all.

I would love a hug from him today.  

So as this windy day blows leaves around...the sun shines down...I know he is near.  We all have those days where all we need is a lil' squeeze...just make sure you take the time and do that. 

Just do it!!

It had been a long time.  Such a long time that it was wearing heavy on our hearts...

We hadn't been to church in a long time.

We all lead busy lives...get tired...and crave sleep in days.  So we had been using Sunday as a sleep in day and we were finding that we didn't feel so good about the day at the end of it.

So last night I just simply announced to the whole family..."tomorrow morning we are all going to church!!"

It was interesting because I really expected a huge roar..."ah c'mon mom" ...or "mom....I don't want to get up".   But it was totally silent and then in random sequence each kiddo said..."okay."

So we had to shower all last eve cuz no water heater has enough hot water to shower this big group.  Then all clothes had to be set out last night as well.  All the little things that help the morning go a bit smoother.

So then Doug and I had to have a discussion as to how much time will it take us to be "on time"??  That just simply sounds silly to have to make a game plan as to what time we need to get up for church.  But we do.

So the alarm rang at 7:30 and up we all were and dressed and out the door ON TIME and headed to church!!

It took us two cars to do it but we did!!  We all felt pretty good afterwards...but funny how as the day has gone on the yawns have arrived and a bit of grumpiness has appeared.  But at the end of the day we know we gave and received so much more than that extra time of "sleep in"!!

We are blessed to have a great church to go to and have such wonderful people to visit with!!

 

Piggy pool!!

In the Evening...Emily gets to go for a walk...and at times she just want to take a swim!!