Crazy.? Absolutely not!!

Marcus loves these puppies....we all do!

although many think I am crazy to have 7 children and then 2 puppies....

I say ABSOLUTELY NOT!!   Cuz they add soo much to our lives!!

Rocket fans!!

Mr Grant admiring Marcus  watching their sisters play !!

Slow healing.....

So here I am now 4 weeks post op...had my follow up yesterday and wow...what a shocker...slow healing is what I have accomplished!!  Was advised for another 2 weeks off...and more "taking it easy".  Hmmmm....let me see....I don't think that is possible in this house.  I will give it my best shot though. 

I take it day by day and am thankful for those that have showed they care how I am doing and actually ask.  I have found it rather surprising how some don't even ask.   (bear with me...just having a little pity party...tend to do that on emotional days.) 

No...actually though each day is going better.   I have viewed these 4 weeks as a blessing to be home again and focus just on HOME!!   My favorite place!  We lead a very busy life and staying on the homefront and at least trying to provide a base for the little ones is what is needed and necessary!   

I spend a little time each day reading my blogs and trying to find some meaning in this calling I seem to feel.  Don't know where it is calling me to go...but with my daily devotions and time to reflect....it may appear right before my eyes one of these days.  
I am constantly looking for ways to save money to be able to stay home more.  Its all so temporary this time at home with these little ones that I look at it as my obligation and true desire to devote this time to them...laughing with them...tucking them in...and hearing their foot steps come running into my room in the am!

Hoping each day brings you a special message....

One word

So after reading this post on one of my favorite sites...I decided that I was going to try and see if I could come

up with a word that I was going to try to dedicate to 2011!!

It took a lot of thinking...re-thinking..and also soul searching for me to come up with one word.  I truly could have picked like 10 words for the year but the idea was only one...so one it was.

My word for the year is.....(drum roll)  ...

FAITH!!

It seems so simple...yet to me sooo profound!!

Things have changed for me since I would have to say when my aunt Carol died back in August of 2007.

The void in my life...our lives is soo powerful since she left us.  She was like a second mom to me while I grew up and also to my children too.  She was the most giving lady I ever knew!!  Anyways....Since then I have had such an increase in anxiety, panic feelings, and depression in my life that I in probably the last year have really felt this pull...pull to what I don't really have a label for it...but its pulling me somewhere I have

never been before.  I am drawn to anything that has to do with trusting a higher power...reading more religion based books..researching faith based books..anything that I come across I read.
I want FAITH to guide me and direct me to where it is that I am supposed to be going.  I don't have the answers now because I feel I have more work to do on myself.   I do believe though there is a true reason for all that happens and this year of FAITH is going to prove that to me.   I truly want to wave my white flag with the power that anxiety has over me and turn it all over...all over to that FAITH that it will be okay.
Life is so short and I want to instill in those around me that each moment counts.   Believe me there are a lot of moments I wish I could re-do each day but with FAITH and my daily baby steps I think I can live a better life and give better memories to my family.
So...Faith it is for 2011.  What is your ONE word? 
Care to share? 

2 weeks...post op

It does not seem possible that it has been 2 weeks since my surgery.

I am getting my energy back.   Still need a daily nap and at times need some quiet time to slow my thoughts and the messages coming in.

So its 2011 now and I am trying to view this decision of mine as an opportunity for change.

I know...I am always writing about change this and change that...I feel like a broken record but truly I feel it takes time to first sense that something is lacking or is pulling on me...which I have already done that step.  Then I feel like one needs to want to do something about it...for me it was just listening to it...giving this feeling a voice in my head.

Now I want to start to ACT on it...baby steps of course.

I am not quite sure what those baby steps will be and how fast I will take them..I do know that I am ready with an open heart and mind.   I still have a lot of processing to do...a lot of accepting to do in my heart.  It aches a lot.  I know this is related to my surgery.   My heart is such a mom all the time that I think it just doesn't know how to be anything but...but perhaps in time I can figure out what I can do and give myself.

Tough steps...tough thoughts...and tough answers to find many days.

 

1.11.11

Well it here....the numbers that I see all the time...

its the date...I have several of them to have this year.

Yep...went and bought my lottery tickets...eleven of them!!

Will keep you all posted...one never knows...I was once told this 1111 stuff meant "new beginnings"   but my heart is telling me its not about money....its a much deeper message trying to be told to me...but its still fun to try to win big!   I have a feeling though my winning big is going to come in many other forms this year!!

Happy 2011 to all!!

New seasons..

It has been awhile since I posted.

I have had a lot on my mind...weighing on my mind and quite honestly sending me into the core of my being with deep questions and trying to have faith that the answers and that peace will come over me.

~~sigh~~~  So here goes~~~~
For 16 years now all I have known about myself is that I love to have babies...raise my babies...be at home as much as I can with my babies.
The years have slipped past.  I have struggled with the last 3 pregnancies and I must face it now that I am 40...it is time to let go of what I know.  Being a mom...having babies has defined me for 16 years and now who will I be?
I am struggling with the change that is about to happen.
My heart is saying one thing...my mind another.
Well on December 20th I chose to have surgery to do a little "fixer upper" on this body that has birthed 7 wonderful children and say goodbye to my reproductive years.   I am not really sure how I am doing with all of this.
Somedays I am fine...yep it was the right choice...and others
with fatigue...loss of words..and sadness I grieve it.
I grieve the ability ..the option...the inner hope that perhaps we could have another.
Don't get me wrong...I KNOW I am blessed ...I have 7 healthy children...a home that we try to do our best at parenting in which most days I feel like I am failing...but that is a whole other topic.
I know people are thinking..."how can she be sad when look at how many she has...why in the world would she need or want more?"   What people don't get its not that I necessarily would have chosen to have more...its just its for one not an option anymore...and two...its me...its who I am...its what I do and now even though parenting isn't over...I feel like a huge part of me is over.
Doesn't even make sense to me as I put into words...but its what I feel.  
I cry....cry and snuggle into a ball into my bed and search for what is in store for me...I pray like I never used to...cuz believe me in the past I never did.  But over the last year...a calling or some subtle message is telling me to turn to prayer.  What its all about I don't know.  ...this too could be a whole other blog post.  All I know...is I feel lost...I feel empty...I am surrounded around the best things in life....laughter...innocence and yet sometimes I can't focus on that because
I am too wrapped up in me...my feelings.   Then the whole selfish...guilt that mom's feel kicks in.  Its a viscious cycle.  I don't even know if I get what is going through my mind most of the time.   I guess its time I start to enjoy what I have...focus on them *not like i haven't been*  and perhaps find myself again.  It has been lost for a very long time.   So how does one start?
I sit here in the silence and darkness in the early hours of the day...because the house has not awakened it and I pray for answers ...I take one moment at a time.  I ache...I am mentally tired...but us tough moms keep on trucking!!  That is one thing I know I do well...I can keep going...and going!!
That is a start right????