It has been awhile since I posted.
I have had a lot on my mind...weighing on my mind and quite honestly sending me into the core of my being with deep questions and trying to have faith that the answers and that peace will come over me.
~~sigh~~~ So here goes~~~~
For 16 years now all I have known about myself is that I love to have babies...raise my babies...be at home as much as I can with my babies.
The years have slipped past. I have struggled with the last 3 pregnancies and I must face it now that I am 40...it is time to let go of what I know. Being a mom...having babies has defined me for 16 years and now who will I be?
I am struggling with the change that is about to happen.
My heart is saying one thing...my mind another.
Well on December 20th I chose to have surgery to do a little "fixer upper" on this body that has birthed 7 wonderful children and say goodbye to my reproductive years. I am not really sure how I am doing with all of this.
Somedays I am fine...yep it was the right choice...and others
with fatigue...loss of words..and sadness I grieve it.
I grieve the ability ..the option...the inner hope that perhaps we could have another.
Don't get me wrong...I KNOW I am blessed ...I have 7 healthy children...a home that we try to do our best at parenting in which most days I feel like I am failing...but that is a whole other topic.
I know people are thinking..."how can she be sad when look at how many she has...why in the world would she need or want more?" What people don't get its not that I necessarily would have chosen to have more...its just its for one not an option anymore...and two...its me...its who I am...its what I do and now even though parenting isn't over...I feel like a huge part of me is over.
Doesn't even make sense to me as I put into words...but its what I feel.
I cry....cry and snuggle into a ball into my bed and search for what is in store for me...I pray like I never used to...cuz believe me in the past I never did. But over the last year...a calling or some subtle message is telling me to turn to prayer. What its all about I don't know. ...this too could be a whole other blog post. All I know...is I feel lost...I feel empty...I am surrounded around the best things in life....laughter...innocence and yet sometimes I can't focus on that because
I am too wrapped up in me...my feelings. Then the whole selfish...guilt that mom's feel kicks in. Its a viscious cycle. I don't even know if I get what is going through my mind most of the time. I guess its time I start to enjoy what I have...focus on them *not like i haven't been* and perhaps find myself again. It has been lost for a very long time. So how does one start?
I sit here in the silence and darkness in the early hours of the day...because the house has not awakened it and I pray for answers ...I take one moment at a time. I ache...I am mentally tired...but us tough moms keep on trucking!! That is one thing I know I do well...I can keep going...and going!!
That is a start right????
For 16 years now all I have known about myself is that I love to have babies...raise my babies...be at home as much as I can with my babies.
The years have slipped past. I have struggled with the last 3 pregnancies and I must face it now that I am 40...it is time to let go of what I know. Being a mom...having babies has defined me for 16 years and now who will I be?
I am struggling with the change that is about to happen.
My heart is saying one thing...my mind another.
Well on December 20th I chose to have surgery to do a little "fixer upper" on this body that has birthed 7 wonderful children and say goodbye to my reproductive years. I am not really sure how I am doing with all of this.
Somedays I am fine...yep it was the right choice...and others
with fatigue...loss of words..and sadness I grieve it.
I grieve the ability ..the option...the inner hope that perhaps we could have another.
Don't get me wrong...I KNOW I am blessed ...I have 7 healthy children...a home that we try to do our best at parenting in which most days I feel like I am failing...but that is a whole other topic.
I know people are thinking..."how can she be sad when look at how many she has...why in the world would she need or want more?" What people don't get its not that I necessarily would have chosen to have more...its just its for one not an option anymore...and two...its me...its who I am...its what I do and now even though parenting isn't over...I feel like a huge part of me is over.
Doesn't even make sense to me as I put into words...but its what I feel.
I cry....cry and snuggle into a ball into my bed and search for what is in store for me...I pray like I never used to...cuz believe me in the past I never did. But over the last year...a calling or some subtle message is telling me to turn to prayer. What its all about I don't know. ...this too could be a whole other blog post. All I know...is I feel lost...I feel empty...I am surrounded around the best things in life....laughter...innocence and yet sometimes I can't focus on that because
I am too wrapped up in me...my feelings. Then the whole selfish...guilt that mom's feel kicks in. Its a viscious cycle. I don't even know if I get what is going through my mind most of the time. I guess its time I start to enjoy what I have...focus on them *not like i haven't been* and perhaps find myself again. It has been lost for a very long time. So how does one start?
I sit here in the silence and darkness in the early hours of the day...because the house has not awakened it and I pray for answers ...I take one moment at a time. I ache...I am mentally tired...but us tough moms keep on trucking!! That is one thing I know I do well...I can keep going...and going!!
That is a start right????
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