Time to re-visit

It's been many years since I have seen my brother Mark.

Perhaps becuase he is in heaven.

He died in 1987.

He took his life.

Words are few about him anymore but the thoughts are always there.

He is missed.  I hope he is happy though where he has chosen to go.

So lately I have been thinking I need to go see him.

He is buried in Faribault, MN, my hometown.

It has been about 4 or 5 years since I have been there so this

Thursday I have decided to drive to Faribault to pay a little 

visit to him and remember....remember him and his nice smile,

his joy for fishing, and his love of Pepsi.  I think I may just have

to bring him a can of it.  He might enjoy that.

I am hoping to go alone.   Just so that I can have my own time...I don't get much of that.  

I wish our family would not have had to deal with this tragedy many 

years ago...but we did and we have grown, changed, and some of us have 

learned what really matters, while there are others in my family who still

just don't "get it". 

The fall colors will be pretty and I will wash his tombstone and get it nice and shiny.

Perhaps the sun will shine down that day as well.....

In this home....

We do second chances.

We do grace.

We do real.

We do mistakes.

We do I'm sorrys.

We do loud really well.

We do hugs.

We do family.

We do love.

One of those moments....

Kaitlyn Janece Holen....selected for homecoming court for 9th grade.

How can this be?   My second daughter who I still remember her little toddler days and now look at her.   It was one of the moments that I realized that she is a young lady..a spirit that is growing and turning into one amazing person.

She makes me proud when she excels at her sports...she makes me smile when I watch her with her little brothers...she makes me at peace when I see her wonderful smile and most of all she brings me happiness when I watch her be her silly self and have fun with her sister Julia.

Kaitlyn is almost 15 years old...hard to grasp for me.   

Her daddy is proud of her and is having a hard time watching her grow up into this young lady.  

We are proud of her.   

Time alone

  I don't get much time alone....not that I even really want it but sometimes it is a treat to be able to think and absorb myself into the quiet house...listen to the wind chimes go...watch the flag blow gently in the wind.   Its just little things.
   I really want to stay at home even more.  I just can't quite put a plan into place that would allow me to do that.   I love these younger years of my children...the sports of my olders and when I am alone that is when I truly have time to sit in silence and comprehend how blessed I really am.
    Julia...my oldest...so mature yet giddy too and determined to succeed at whatever she does.
    Kaitlyn...my 14 year old.  Growing into a young lady before my eyes.  Used to be so quiet but, now has exploded into her own personality and turning into quite the athlete.
     James...my sensitive, big hearted, hard worker...who truly loves this large family.  My boy who comes to me for a daily hug or chat no matter what.
     Mathias...a busy boy, can be challanging at times but his love for farming is endless and his desire to be near his dad is obvious everyday.   He too likes his moms hugs,  tuck ins and silliness.
     Marcus is still supersweet who has the cutest sayings, expressions and a memory that is amazing!   He too loves to be near his dad all the time and FARM!!
     Grant...or G we call him.   A boy that hugs his moms leg everyday and has the bluest eyes ever.  I love his smile and his "yep" answer for everything.
      Then our Delaney who has changed the meaning and goal for our family!!   A girl that is bright eyed and loves to watch her siblings.   I hope she grows to love our large family too!!
       So it is in these quiet times I can look at each pieces of my heart and soul and know that there are many but each one adds a little something of its own to make our home a whole!

The Holen Gang and my niece Brooklyn holding Delaney!!

Miss Delaney is ONE!!!!!

September 22nd of 2009 was one day that I 

know something of the higher power was having a say in!!

Back in 2007 when I had Grant...I thought I would have

my tubes tied and 6 children is what we would be happily blessed with.

But with surgery schedule messes....no time available and along with 

my internal anxiety about everything being so "final"...something was trying to tell me to stop...think...and listen to what my instincts were telling me.

I was putting on my happy face to the nurses after Grant was born...and hours after..but inside I was a spinning mess because something was telling me NOT to make the decision to be "DONE".   Soooo  I called Doug because of course it was fair week and he was home by this time loading pigs and expressed my anxiety...all the bumps in the road...and he said "Do what you feel is right" and 

" I will be okay with whatever you decide."   AHHHHHH....can we say RELIEF with a capital R!!

I bailed...chickened out..whatever one wants to call it but I changed my mind and NO TUBAL FOR ME...that was a higher power whispering if not yelling at me to listen to them.  It wasn't over for me...

I dreamed many times that I was going to have a girl with dark hair...many dreams....many nites of taking care of babes in the nursery I would see in my mind what my daughter would look like...

and on 9-22-09....she arrived!!   SHE was a surprise...I thought it would be a HE....Right after she came out...with one loooong push...I looked down...saw the umbilical cord..and yep figured for a split second there...another boy...but then Dr. Norgard moved that cord...and my eyes saw that my GIRL had arrived!!   I fell back into the bed...hands over my face and cried the hardest tears I had shed in a very long long time....God had blessed us with another girl!!   She was beautiful...exactly how I had pictured her....dark hair and lots of it and the spitting image of her big sister Julia!!   I cried....Doug cried..he cut the cord..(wich he never had done before) and the whole room was whooping and hollering  "Its a girl"  and tears everywhere in the room.  Even Dr. Norgard got a bit choked up...What emotions and what a special presence that was in that room 206 at 2:36pm.....it was a strong presence that continued to make me and staff cry for over an hour!!   I loved that day...l loved that girl that Doug and I had created!!

Miss Delaney Ann Holen

So now a year has gone by...or flown by and she has brought soo much into our lives and a desire or yearning to find the true meaning of what life is...she has inspired me to grow into a better mom, wife, nurse, and just a better me.  I am thankful for her and the incredible gift she has given to me...I look at life with a bit different view...and many days this desire in me brings me to tears.   I cry with joy from her and what she has and is showing me!!

3 months old...of course..fingers in the mouth!

She has my eyes...Doug's face and her brothers long eye lashes...

Although soo  many happy days...I find a bit of sadness in me because this year has gone sooo fast.  I miss the little stage.  I miss the little one sleeping up on my shoulder.  But now...I love her babbling...her smiles...the way she twirls her hair when she nurses...and I love her!!!

My Delaney is one now...

Big Brother Marcus...talking to her and loving  her!

She is a blessing....a gift....a treasure...a girl that has opened my eyes to a new way of thinking...although I always had these feelings of "something more" in me...she has brought them out so I can grow.  Children are amazing. I would have 30 if I could....but I will be blessed with my 7!!

 

Piggy time is good times!

Marcus loves to be in charge of the pig gate..he does a very good job...any chore he can have he will take!!

Mr James looking sooo grown up ...how did this happen?

View from the barn up to our house....we love our simple wide open spaces!

This is Mr. Mathias having a lil chat with the piggies.  He loves them!

Marcus is school bound....

Mr Marcus....supersweet....Marcus Arlan

is officially now in preschool.

 We struggled...we contemplated...we worried..

but in the end we decided he is almost 5 and needs to spread his wings a bit

and get away some from the mom.

The mom was sad...unsure..but happy for him.

He didn't realize...coat first then backpack.

It was him that wasn't soo sure.  He was excited about a backpack of his own.

 He was excited about being at school with his siblings...but he in the next breath would be saying  "me not going to school,  me stay home by mom....Do you work today mom?"

(He is working on his speech with therapy...and also knows if I don't work there is a way he can stay home)  Gotta say he does have me figured out. 

Buy now after a few days of tears....he is happy he is going.. he does not like the bus.  I asked him why. and his response "it takes awhile"  and awhile it is...over an hour on the bus on the way home.  But he has his brothers to look over him and he is doing well.

He comes home and is soo proud.  

We love our supersweet and he just doesn't seem like he can be turning 5 soon.

I remember the day he arrived, wasn't that yesterday?

Taking that first walk into school.  Sun is shining..Marcus is beaming!

Yes....I do have a James...

James Douglas Holen   11 years old

 

James and his sister and god-daughter Delaney Ann!!

  
  Mojo...Jimbo...Gravy Train...many nicknames of my oldest boy but he usually just simply goes by James.   He was born in 1998 in Kalispell Montana.   He was a fussy...colicky baby and had lots of tummy aches.  I always look back and kinda feel robbed out of his tiny stage.  We didn't know how to soothe him , as with most colicky babies..ya just can't.   But as time went...and with each milestone he got better.  Walking was huge step..he was mobile so not soo frustrated and then when he could talk...he was a different boy!   Happy..curious and content.  He has struggled his whole life with chronic ear infections and now for the last few months has been great!!  We are thankful for that.  
     He is a gentle soul...all about deep thinking and I know believes in the higher power above.  He is all about sports...Xbox...action and more action but inside he is my softie.  I know he cares and has such a huge desire to please.   
     He loves his brothers and helps out so very much.  That is what I have noticed the most this summer...his willingness to help.  A mom can not be thankful for anything more because with 7 kids in this house...any help is appreciated!!

I

 Boys...and more boys...they sure look alike!!

Outdoor fun....or is it outdoor work?

Of course...the two boys together...how else can it be? 

Marcus giving us a grin through the corn!! He is still our supersweet...although this summer
it seems as if we at times get a glimpse of a not sooo super-sweet Marcus!  He has a way about 
him...gotta love him but he IS learning from his older bros!! 

Grant Michael....all smiles!  "Look at me mom!!"  This young man has 
changed so much this summer.  He can be outside on his own ...kinda...
and plays and talks up a storm!  He has not quite gotten the hang of knowing not to interrupt when
someone else is talking.....I think that comes when you are perhaps 6 or 7??  Can those baby blue eyes
melt your heart any more?  I love my "G"!!

These two boys...smiles from ear to ear working with their Daddy!

 

 

 

 

 

Mathias working up a sweat!  This is a big deal for this young man!   He begs and begs
to mow lawn...sooo finally at age 7 , even though I tend to be too nervous to let
him do these things,  I taught him and watched him!!  He was soo proud
of himself as he mowed the garden...red faced and all!

Marcus hard at it!  This young man will do anything...
as long as he can be by his Dad....a true helper!

What matters most...

The Holen Gang and Miss Brooklyn (my niece)

This picture of was the start of county fair week and we figured to add to the chaos of the week we might as well do a family photo shoot...casual but fun!
This is what matter the most to me...smiling kids!
They smiled for the camera but in between there were "ah c'mon mom" and "do we have to?" and even a few "can we be done yet?"    But i kept pushing them to hang in there and for crying out loud..smile!!  Ya gotta smile so the pics turn out right?

So this is Kaitlyn my 14 year old...she smiled nice...I think she is the one that in time will truly see that our large family is a blessing and not a nuisance.  A lot of time the siblings look at our family as crazy and out of control.  How can it not be at times...especially supper time.  (when I need my anxiety meds the most...=)
I know what matters most...I just hope somewhere deep in their hearts they do to.  So many days I hope we made the right choice to keep on having kids.  I wouldn't give any one of them up...don't get me wrong..I just hope their memories are just as special to them as they are me.  I hope the squabbling and egging on after all the years pass they will love one another more and stick close....cuz its in the end ...family is what matters most!!

             

county fair

Miss Delaney Ann

So My Miss Delaney has had a high fever since Monday but finally now today...no fever!!!   YEAH!!!  I have not ever seen her soo quiet yet still trying to be happy. She is almost 11 months old and I can't believe it.  Where has the time gone?  She adds so much to our lives.
I struggle with the thought that she is most likely, or is, my last baby.   I am sooo thankful for what  I have but I wonder when will this desire to have more ever go away?   I know there are days I am overwhelmed and can't imagine having one more to this gang but on the other hand would love to keep adding to our family.
I think at times its an issue of me just accepting that my child bearing years are over and that is something I must grieve.  I haven't started to yet but I know its like a cloud glooming over me..waiting for me to tackle it or walk through.  Then there are somedays I think just maybe...maybe...there could be one more.  A little secret hope that I have....now its not a secret though anymore is it?

So today I will enjoy my happy and fever free Delaney and be thankful for the 7 miracles I have and even though I may get overwhelmed at times I still love it!  My life is blessed and my children keep us young. 

God provides

Fret and worry...fret and worry

So much wasted energy.

Just when you think things might be tough..

God provides you with whatever you need.

That may be faith, patience, wisdom, and

at times tough situations just to work themselves out!

Today is one of those days that I say thank you to that higher power

that always seems to look over us.  We are blessed..we are happy...and 

we like the simple life.  It may be busy but its foundation is strong and simple.

This is what I look at to remind me what a simple sleeping baby girl can tell us ..she can tell us

what really matters...peace and stillness and taking time to be

thankful...because no matter what God will provide!

Bubbles and Brothers!

     Grant and Marcus....loving bath time!!  They are pals and stick together pretty much all day!!  They are 4 and 3 years old...they look out for each other...they even at times argue with each other.  But at the end of the day hugs are given and "love you's" are said.  These two I hope will forever be pals.  

Blessings!

Grandma and Grandpa

This is my mom and dad on Delaney's baptism back in December!  It was a special day.  My dad who has been working hard this last year to beat Multpile Myeloma, had an emotional day that day.  Made this day emotional for us all.  Its always hard when you see your strong father cry.  He cried all morning.   He cried for the time he hopes he has, he cried for the blessing that Delaney is, and he cried for his family!  

Life is precious and each day is a blessing.  How do we make sure we make every second count?  I haven't figured that out quite yet.  The only thing is that i find I need to SLOW DOWN!!  

H

How does one slow down?  I wonder if my parents thought that life would go by this fast?  They are 80 years old now.  They have faced much sadness through out their years along with many blessings.  I think about my Dad that day and his tears that flowed so easily down his cheek.  He was proud and happy yet te tears flowed.    

So this other picture is on Julia's confirmation..  Another day of tears for my dady.  Julia has grown up so much that her time with them is minimal.  My mom and dad are our support, our wisdom and the love they have shown us is a blessing.  A blessing we need to think about daily.  We never know how many days we have .  So we need to make each one count.

Missing out..

I don't get out much

I don't have too many what I consider "close" friends

I tend to isolate myself to home

I only work part time outside the home that is.

I move from the minute my feet hit the ground til I go to bed

I rarely travel to visit anyone

So there are days I ask myself if I am missing out on life?

I sit back and listen and watch people do all these "things" 

I don't have time to do those things.

My life is filled with housework, running errands,

and most important caring for our 7 children!

I have to say at times I feel "left out" 

but then I look around and see that it is the 8

people that I surround myself with everyday that IS my life!

Don't get me wrong...there are days I wish I could do 

some of the things others do or have a girl get away

but I find that my heart and body are the most

relaxed in my home with my family.

I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way?

Life seems to go by faster and faster and I hope that I don't 

"miss out" on anything.

Day one....and counting!

     Well....its 1130 and we are now washing 8 chickens, well I am not, but the kids are.  We got the rest of the animals there okay.  Lots of directing..re-directing and counting heads to see if all are accounted for and if we have enough spots in the vehicle to who ever is taking who.  That is one joy of having a large family...CONSTANTLY counting heads!! 
     We had our first fair malts...yummy...and then finally at 8pm I brought the little ones home..pulled in the driveway and all 3 were sleeping.  Well you know what that means.  It means melt down city when you have to wake them up and get them in the house.  Both Grant and Marcus cried...cried...and did more crying.  Finally pj's and some spongebob settled them down.  Delaney just goes with the flow.  Ate, nursed and off to bed she went with no crying at all. 

     I can say that if it wasn't for my sister n law Pam...I would not be able to do this.  It is constant talking, telling what to do, and asking if it is done during this week.  Kids are busy and at times want the easy way out but we keep them moving.  Pam has the most patience and it is only her that could tolerate this kind of chaos for a few days.  Everyone else in our family would think we are TOTALLLY nuts to have this many kids and this much going on.  I have never heard so many thoughts, directions, names etc come out of Doug's mind.  He must be traveling at light speed inside that head.  No sailor words with the pig loading so that is good!!  It has taken us a few years to get it down but we got it now!!

     I think its time to call it a day..another day tomorrow with both the pig and the chicken show!!    Will update again tomorrow!

Get ready get set....GOOOOOO!!!

Well its County fair week....hang on for the ride that is what I always say!!  Its always good and things are busy and constantly coming and going but its things to keep the kids occupied..which is good this time of the summer..because boredom has start to set it!  Luckily my sister n law Pam and her 12 year old dtr always come to enjoy our chaos..only Pam could handle it!!  She is one of the biggest blessings in my life.  She gets me...gets my life...and praises me for it vs gives me grief!!

So I will update as the fair week goes!!!  Maybe post some pics!!  julia is taking a 1400 pound steer...the daddy is a bit worried...but I have faith!!  She loves it!!  

Mr Grant Michael Holen

Grant Michael is 3 today!!  It was 3 year ago today that I was at Lake Region Healthcare being induced.  I had lots of problems with that pregnancy.  Pre term labor...bedrest...polyhydramnios...but at 3:02pm he arrived with a tight nuchal chord and 2 more times around his neck.  Knowing what i know now as a Labor RN that is a scary thing to have...but he came out a crying and yep...we said "another boy" !!

He has become our "G"  

He has the bluest of blue eyes..

He starts and ends each day with a smile

He loves tractors 

He loves his brothers and baby sister too!!

He likes long afternoon naps.

He love to quietly come up to you and hug your leg everyday..many times each day.

He can be stubborn

He has learned to stand his ground with his siblings.

We love him so and he adds so very much to this large family.

His pregnancy was a long one but I journaled a lot while on bedrest and actually got to really enjoy the last month or so of pregnancy focusing on him.  I spent many nights contracting away wondering if it was it or not but after it all we were induced at 38 weeks and 5 days!!

Happy Birthday Grant....We love you!!

Wednesday words...

     Everyday I have a million thoughts go through my head and here I am trying to post something and can't come up with a thing to say.

Maybe I will just recap my day:

first woke up to no power and had non til almost noon.  By that time I had declared it jammy day...but apparently it was only me that stayed in my jammies...=)

Breakfast for all the kiddos...vacuumed so Miss Delaney doesn't choke on anything.  Laundry...hmm lets see I think it was 3 loads today.  Still not folded but at least done.

Refereed many disagreements with the boys....boy does that challenge my patience.  I think I lost it after disagreement number 25.

Actually snuck in an hour nap with Miss Delaney..now that is an oddity but I enjoyed it.  My eyes were just a bit tired today.

supper for all...spaghetti...garlic bread...always a hit.
Cleaned up the house and kitchen ...showered and lotioned 3 boys and 1 baby girl.  Love that smell at the end of the day.  Set up the kids to watch a movie...that is what is allowing me to do this post although Marcus has found me and is doing his non-stop chatter.   Soon he will quit talking and then be asleep.  One of the sweetest things about him.

I know I have missed a million things...oh yeah...hung up clothes in boys room and Delaneys room that had been folded and waiting for many days.  

I love being home.   I have times of being overwhelmed but no that it truly is a blessing.  I just need to stop and see them.  Its easy to count 7 blessings and add another for my husband in my world.  I even got to listen to some Josh Groban as I typed this.   Another peaceful and gift for the end of my day.

What was your end of the day gift? 

Expectations???

Okay so here we are the 4th of July weekend...Gma and Gpa came and took 3 of the kiddos up to the cabin...now do I go to or stay home?  The other kids want to go soo badly...gives them time by the water and with cousins and gets us out of our home for a bit but I struggle leaving home knowing that it seems twice as hard to take care of the kids far away.  i shouldn't want to take the easy way out.  I love it up there too...wide open space...beautiful shore and scenery...nice dock to sit on but I always...always worry my kids are too much.  Where has this stemmed from?  I don't know...perhaps way back when I had only 3 kids I remember being told by a family member to "split them up cuz they are a bit much"  Ouch....that one I needed a band aid for and took me many years to get over that one.  But now I sit with 7 and love every one of them but yes it is work...and believe me I have days I am not the best mom I can be but I try.

Sooo...do we go or stay put?  I need to work on this part of my parenting.  loving my kids even when they are "busy" and not expect them to be perfect all the time.  I think I am just tired.  Perhaps the cabin could refresh me...reset me.  I know I need it.  I need to change something within me cuz this momma is tired and has lost her positive outlook.  I sure can put on a good show though.   I should get an award for that huh???   

Kids are blessings...my life is blessed...I just need to slow down and feel it and enjoy it!!

I am a trying...

Well I am a trying....trying to get it together...my mind and actions that is!!  I have been overwhelmed lately...actually overwhelmed...overstimulated and just plain over-everything!!  I don't want to be this way but I think something is "missing".  Last week my two college girlfriends along with their combined 7 kids came to visit me.  It was wonderful to see them.  It had been over 3 years since I had seen them.  I never am able to sneak away to their gatherings or occasions so they packed up and traveled close to 6 hours to see me!!   

They are special people in my life and honestly I have neglected them by not communicating the way I should but you would never know that.  We can pick up where we left off as if no time has gone by.  LOVE THAT ABOUT THEM!!   Well...anyways   I have been struggling lately...with my internal dialogue and just keeping this house in motion without me being a crabby mom that can't handle more than one voice at a time or else so consumed by my anxiety that I can't even hear that one voice.  Its not fair to me, to my hubby, and my kids so I am working on "me".  That is what I am trying to do.  My friend Lana...kept speaking here and there mixed in her stories and memories of her daily devotions and her faith.  Of course I have faith...always have but just have always remained quiet about it.  I am not a vocal person about that although you get me started on what really matters in this world...I will chat your ear off.  Anyways...I was drawn to what she had to share.  We talked a lot.   A lot about faith, patience, raising spiritual and healthy children.  It was such a blessing to ME to have her here to visit.  So.... she mentioned Hearts At Home...a seminar she went to.  I signed up the day they left and I AM GOING!!   It isn't til November but I am sooo excited.  I even went to the library last eve and checked out some books.  Lisa Welchel's "Put the Me back in Mommy".   Lana told me about that one too.  Love it so far.  She also introduced me to the daily devotions she gets by email and how it relates to busy family lives.  LOVE that too!!  

So perhaps with some time and maybe just 10 minutes a day for me to try and focus on the "mom", I can be better at what I do.  I just feel like I am failing...failing as a mom, wife and failing myself.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  It's exhausting...give and give but I have forgotten to GIVE to myself!  So I just think it is so neat how things fall into place...friends visiting, me struggling, and friends leading me to where I wanted to go but just didn't know it!!  Life is good...I just need to remember to sit back and feel that!!

What up with dat???

Okay...sooo this has been a long time waiting to get this blog thing back on track...and me back on track..   I am tired...tired...and did I say tired?   I love my large family, large farm, large everything but its taking its toll...does anyone else ever feel this way?   I just can not keep up and this organization goal of mine seems to be for the birds cuz its sure not panning out for my kids.

I think my anxiety level is at its highest...nope I am not a super mom....super women...super anything really...just me who gives and give a little more in all honesty just to get perhaps a little glimpse of feeling respected...appreciated...but that just doesn't seem to be the theme around this holen house.  The mom is trying...treading water....keeping my head above water, but i feel like I am sinking.   Any tips out there to try and get myself re-centered.  I have these great ideas and dreams of how I think this busy house should run...but it only does for a day or two and then i am back to square one and my anxiety on high again.  I know...blah blah blah...poor Kim....truly...I am not looking for any sympathy... just perhaps someone to "get it"  get what I am going through and offer just perhaps a tap on the shoulder or a word or two of support.  I feel abnormal and lately internally exhausted.  

I love my family...I love what they bring to my life...I just am trying to find something that I think is missing...faith perhaps and the feeling that I am worth it...and what I want in this family is a good thing. 

oh... a tough one...

Well...today a bit of a difficult one.  Had to see Doug off at the airport headed to Russia.  What an exciting experience for him...bu a lot harder on me to say goodbye than I had thought.  I worry about everything and going from about 5 phone calls a day back and forth typically...to perhaps and email daily from his will be a change.   Lets just see how this week goes.  I will do my best...challange my patience and try just try to be positive.

Isn't this the way its supposed to be?

Hello....smile....and perhaps a hug to follow.  That is how the day begins for me with my supersweet Marcus.

He was soo happy this day because mom and baby Delaney were able to come out too and play and enjoy the warm weather.  So many days I catch myself staying in the house because my to do list is endless and then I remember that I will never get another moment like these to enjoy with my kids...so today I paused and decided to go be by them and enjoy!!  A moment to stop and breathe and just watch these kids be who they are...no worries..happy...and innocence to no end.  Can you remember the last time you felt that way?

Regrets?

W

Family is everything to me...I don't  think that is a big secret to anyone that knows me.  I recently traveled over 6 hours to a funeral of my uncle who I grew up around as a child.  Those were the days that we all still got together for holidays...annual summer reunions...just visits...but as life changed  and kids grew up the visits now are pretty much limited to weddings and funerals.  Rather sobering thought.  It was nice to visit and get caught up with the cousins and my aunt Mary Ann who is now going to struggle living alone..without Ed.  I looked around and realized what a close family they are in their own way...just as we are in ours.  They are just seperate.  I miss those days of visiting and catching up.  I was saddened that my parents couldn't come.  My dad is struggling so it was not a good idea for him to travel that far.  I missed them being there because then perhaps for a moment it might have felt like the old times.  Although...people have passed on and some did not make it.

So as I continue to think about how much family means to me....and recently attending this funeral...I wonder why some just don't get it?   Why doesn't everyone realize that each day is a gift...a pleasure that may be taken at any moment?  I know I have spoken of my sister and her desire to cut me out of her life...I just can't get why she thinks her choice is a good one.   Won't she regret not knowing my 7 children...she hasn't even met Delaney.  Won't she regret missing out on the family gatherings?  Because right now any gathering we may have is done seperate from her and her spouse Jimmy.  I know that in her mind she feels she is right.   But she is not in a "right" place right now in my opinion.  An abusive, verbally and emotionally spouse has changed her and has isolated her from all of us.  We miss the Sandi that once was around.  I struggle ...I struggle daily with the choice she has made.  So what is the meaning of family to some?  Perhaps a spouse alone is enough...to me...it is the center of my soul...my life...my dreams.  I can not imagine looking around and having noone to call my own.

The 6 hour drive was a blessing....a time to reflect...listen to the chatter of my Grant...spending time with my sister-n-law Pam driving...and having a few jokes and talking with my brother.  I think of my aunt...my cousins...who now do not have a father... I listened to them share stories of pride, happiness and the lessons they learned from their dad...their family.  I bet they have no regrets....what do you say to someone after its too late...do you forgive...or let go now and move on?   Each day...I look at the path I am led down and am thankful and find peace knowing I am trying...at least trying ...to be thankful for my family and do the best I can to not live with the fear of regrets.

Chubby hand...chubby feet

Love the hands, hands, fingers, toes!! 

Delaney's first fountain doo!!!

What fun I had today..after Delaney's bath I played a bit with her growing hair and gave her a nice first time "fountain".  It brings back soo many memories because when her big sisters were little that was a daily task...putting in their fountains so they could play and have their hair off their face!!  This girl is soo much fun!!  I just had to share this big moment with everyone!!
Isn't it funny how such a little thing makes me just giggle inside?  She thought I was a bit goofy pulling on her hair and big brother Marcus just kept telling me to "take that out mommy".   He has to get used to this girly stuff!!  Little does he know there will be many years of it! 

My Dad

So this is my dad....taken probably over a year ago...before his life changed...He is 79 years old but acts as though he is 55.  He love to hunt...fish...trap...and loves dogs!!  He is a gentle, honest, hard working man who has the warmest heart I know.  His head is clear, his heart is warm but he was told about a year ago now...that his body is sick.  He was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma.  Cancer...how do you handle that kind of blow....a year ago now he was in and out of the hospital...2 fractured vertebrae  (from the cancer) and weak....confused from pain meds...and a different dad than I ever had seen.  Confused...tired...scared....but yet the same...positive...committed and determined to beat this.  So to Rochester we headed and now after a year of Oral chemo...he is amazing!!  It actually only took about 3 months for him to get back to somewhat of himself.  He just got done with his annual work up at Rochester and we await the bone scan and marrow biopsy but his labs are AWESOME!!  Way to go dad!!  He is walking almost 2 miles a day and is on the go all the time...what a blessing!!
       My dad has more wisdom than anyone that I know....he has taught me so many lessons...and has taught me to look at the positive side of things and not to worry about what we can not control.  That one I still continue to practice on.
       So Dad...this post is for you....your strength and determination is amazing!!

Mr. G!!

So this is our Mr. Grant...or G we call him.  He is going to be 3 this July.  He is a busy , blue eyed boy!  What else could he be?  He can brighten my day with his simple leg hugs....crawling on my lap....and just being him.  I have found that his energy level and also noise level has risen a lot in the last 6 months...Do you think its from his brothers?

A day in the life of G is ...his blanket..hugs from mom....spongebob ...more hugs from mom...running outside but staying as far away as possible from the cows....tooo scary for him...but loves the chickens!  He is a wonderful napper....I love our quiet afternoons.   He is a great big brother now to Delaney... He loves her so.  At times its a bit of invading her space but at least its love huh?

How come they grow up so fast?  I still remember him being the baby...now he just seems soo big already!!  I wish that I had it me to start and end each day with a smile the way he does!!  Aren't 2 year olds the most amazing little things?