Pathway to....

Our driveway....a path to open spaces.   Wide open spaces full of country scenes.

Right now in my life...trying to head down a new path.  A path to a more confident...content..less anxious mom.  I started to realize I needed to start to focus on a new path about 6 months ago and have truly tried to turn it over to a power greater than me.  I start each day with eyes and ears that are much more open to...receptive to and willing to receive messages that come my way.   Sometimes these messages are subtle ...sometimes very loud!!  

The other night I was giving Marcus a bath in our sink...he is still such a little guy I can do that.  Anyways I have a hummingbird that hangs above our sink that is from my aunt Carol who passed away 3 years ago now.  This bird hung above her sink as well.  It is a daily reminder of her and the blessing she was in our life.  Anyways...when I wash the kids hair in the sink I always tell them to look up to the hummingbird...look up.  Well Marcus knows that this bird he is looking at was Carol's.   So he asked me  "why did Carol have to die?"  I simply and sadly stated that "her heart got tired" and that she is in "heaven now watching over us".   Marcus thought long and hard for and then returned with a response that made me realize that he gets that death can happen to anyone.  He says to me..."mommy...will your heart get tired?"  I calmly re-assured him that my heart is a lot younger and shouldn't get tired.  He then asked "can my heart get tired too?"  I then told him that a 5 year old's heart is way too young to get tired.  I told him that Carol had had lots of birthdays and that her heart got tired because she was older and was sick.

We both were quiet for awhile then...I think we were both thinking about our hearts.  I thought of Carol's heart and although it became tired...it was a giving one.

So getting back to the pathway that I have decided to pursue truly stems from the absence that has been felt ever since Carol has died.   She has made me want to make myself better...it took me awhile after she passed away to realize what that void was trying to tell me...but I have come to realize I have work to do.  I take baby steps each day...sometimes backwards..but with time and the little conversations with my children...it helps me keep going in the direction I want to go!  A path that will lead me to peace within my core.  What path are you going down...and what does that path mean to you???

Hard workin' boots!

These boots..they belong to my husband who spends many hours..going above and beyond to provide for us! Thank you for your steps each day that give us guidance and the love that we need to be the Holen Hills Family!  You are loved!

 

Supersweet ....what else?

He doesn't even know how much his words warm my heart....

Here is just a sample of what I got to hear this evening...

"Momma....I love you soo much...and I want to give you 5 hugs..because I am 5"

"You da best"

"A kiss for you too momma"

"Tuck me in mommy...."

What a blessing...such simple dialogue but filled with sooo much meaning!!

This is why I love...love...love being a mom!

15 years ago today....

Kaitlyn Janece Holen...our second daughter who arrived only but 16 months after our

first daughter.  Many who offered their opinions

as to "already"...or "another one?"   But we wanted it

just that way!!  What she has filled our lives with is amazing.

Just like the way she entered into our lives.

We were living in Mesa Arizona and I was 25 at the time.

In denial about being in labor since my first go round was 19 hours long and 3 hours of pushing...I thought this time would be the same...so when I could no longer breathe...talk ...walk..we decided it was time to go.

Now looking back...I should have gone long before that.

We had to bring Julia to grandma and grandpa..who were spending the winter in Az...lucky us!!

We loved having them near!!

So after over an hour on the road...we finally on the interstate almost to the Desert Samaritan

hospital in Mesa...yep...we came across an accident and many police cars as they were about

to block the freeway off....at this point I demanded that we are to get through or this baby was coming in the car!!

We did make it....I arrived dilated to 9.5 and a bulging bag of water...with the nurse saying it was only that amazing strong...life holding bag that kept her in me that allowed us to make it there!

She arrived with very little effort...and A GIRL it was!!  We were soo excited to have "the girls" now!

What fun it has been!!  I still remember Doug saying."remember now...this will probably be the last baby so enjoy it.".....ha....little did he know...5 more would come and with each one a new  dynamic in the house along with many wonderful labor stories!!

So here is to Kaitlyn...our honest...loving...athletic...shy...and giddy all mixed together...a love for animals..a dreamer...and most of all OURS!!

We love you!

Simply said....

Words ....we should live by!

Little but big....

Delaney Ann....for some reason I LoVe her little feet.   So soft..cushy...yet loud pitter patter in the kitchen.  She curls her little toes...she puts them in the air with delight.  I love them with fresh clean..snug sockies on!  They may be so little...but are such a big part of what I love on her!

My Delaney!!

 My daughter...my 3rd daughter who has brought me more joy

than I could have ever imagined!

She is a little sister to 6 others...who find as much joy in her as I do!

She completes this Holen Gang!

She smiles...she laughs...and she makes us smile and laugh!

Days when I see nothing but over-whelming

duties...bills...life...I just look at her and realize

that it is my family...my daughter and my other

children that is all I need.

They are my life...they may cause me to be overwhelmed..crabby...short

tempered at times...but they also give me soo much more.

An awareness that miracles are given to us for a reason and that their innocence and

unconditional love is a blessing!

They make us see that the little things ARE the big things!

I love her!

She loves me!

I lover her feet...her ankles...her little toes that pat..pat..pat across the floor every day!

Sounds that I NEVER want to forget...and want to stay this way forever!

One of the many reasons I want to be by her all the time!

finally...

Who would think that 12 days could be sooo long?

I feel a bit guilty about even writing this post since it was my husband that truly felt the "pain" and I mean pain for the last 12 days. but....this pain

had its effect on the ENTIRE household.

Patience was the thinnest I have ever seen it...

My mood swing...or depression was at its fastest roller coaster ride

ever!!

Kids were more over-whelming than most days.

Noise was something that was an undesirable thing.

Silence was a treat and to be able to go to bed

was heavenly..to get away from it all!

I felt like I was coaching a labor patient all nite long.

I had empathy for him..my husband that is.

I would have taken his pain for a day or two just to give him

a break.  I would have gone to the bathroom for him too just

to give him a break.

It has been exhausting and has in another way opened my

eyes to what people who deal with much bigger health issues for more than 12 days...wow...the strength they have must be amazing and never-ending!

So although...I care not to do these last 12 days over..I am trying to see the blessing it has taught me in appreciating good health..pain free living and a house that is filled with peace and respect.

The last 12 days has not given our family that.  We have  been rude to one another...short...fighting...and impatient.

I know that it will probably take another 12 days to get the normalcy back into this house.  

I knew this morning it had been way too long because Delaney went running with her happy face to our bedroom looking for Dada since that is where he has been for soo long...and to her surprise he was not there!!  He was up..showered and ready to enjoy his first day back to work!  A smile on his face...a new pep in his step and also beads of sweat on his forehead due to fatigue!  But its all good for now!!  

Thank you Lord for giving us the strength to endure this hurdle in our lives and I know many people have much bigger things to tackle daily...and help them too!  You give us strength to fight..fight til things seem brighter and hopeful!

So here is to strength..power...and faith that things can improve!!

Letting go of the guilt...

I have the disease to please...

Does anyone know the cure?

I have had this all my life...back to when I can remember...probably at the age of 7 already..

Making friends happy on the playground...even when it maybe made me sad inside.

In junior and high school you may have well called me a push-over...cuz if someone even blew on me I would have fallen over just to please them at my expense.

That has created some bitterness in me.

I want that time back...I wish I knew now what I didn't know then.

Those moments were soo large at that time in my life at that time...but now are so small in the big picture...except for their lingering effects.

I am a work in progress.   

Medication...and now re-starting therapy to get through these things that can bring me down..down to places I hate to go!  Clouds couldn't roll in any darker when those moments come.  That is what is scary to me...I don't know when the storm will come...I don't have any warning system to let me know , no beep..beep beep across the tv telling me the storm is coming.  It hits me like a ton of bricks...a sickening feeling in my gut is really the only warning I get along with a racing heart.  It is sad to think that this heart of mine that would do anything for anyone has to race...race to try and seek shelter from my fears and the storm that is settling in.

These last 12 days...were easily at times a storm.  I made it through.

We all did.  I just find myself wondering why does this have to plague me...rob me of time that I can't get back.  I have turned it over to God now in the last 6 months as I hope to find a reason for the soul searching and the need to finally work on the answers to what has made me this way.  

Time...that is all I have to get this done along with perhaps some strength that the higher power can give to me!

So today...I continue to try and let go of the guilt that makes me on a daily basis put every body else's needs before mine.  Maybe I can let myself eat my cereal today before I give to everyone else first...its a start right??

Sisters..

Kaitlyn and Julia

Sisters....friends...for sure!!

It warms my heart to know that my first two daughters are close.

They are close in age...only 16 months apart.

I can still see Kaitlyn following Julia around as they both were toddlers..

and now as they are teenagers growing up way too fast,   I look at them

and wonder if they realize how lucky they are to have each other...to giggle with

to wrestle around with...and to share stories with!

They are blessed beyond what they even know yet.  I am sure this will come

when they are older.  Warms a moms heart to see them be such pals!!

Julia...serious..mature and a list maker together with Kaitlyn a go with the flow

kind of gal...for sure not a list maker and obviously always dreaming of something.

The combination of them is funny..silly..cute and wonderful all at once!

That is what sisters are for.  Today I am thankful for what the two of them bring to my life.

 

Coming to an end...

My medical leave is coming to an end.

It has been a blessing again to be at home.

I have always every couple years had a little

reprieve from my work due to maternity leaves

and now this time from a surgery.

I enjoy being at home...sometimes too much.

I tend to isolate myself...stick close to my little ones

because they love me no matter what..

they don't care if I am a chubby, messy haired, or quiet that day.

They come to me and give me daily if not hourly hugs.

I will miss that.  Even though I only work part time..

I still have to leave home.

I do love my work..and once I am there I am fine...

but...I like my home!

So as it comes to an end...back to the work routine I will go.

There has been lots of "ends" in this experience.

An end to birthing babies...an end to being at home for days upon days.  

I have handled this change for the most part pretty well.

I still have some "grey" days and they do come and go and at times 

can linger...but as the sun starts to shine the next day I pick up my head off

my pillow and try to put one foot in front of the other and look

at what I have and be thankful and try not to dwell on the "end" 

of things.

So here is to new days....new beginnings...and a whole lot of faith along the way!!

What do I really want?

Crazy.? Absolutely not!!

Marcus loves these puppies....we all do!

although many think I am crazy to have 7 children and then 2 puppies....

I say ABSOLUTELY NOT!!   Cuz they add soo much to our lives!!

Rocket fans!!

Mr Grant admiring Marcus  watching their sisters play !!

Slow healing.....

So here I am now 4 weeks post op...had my follow up yesterday and wow...what a shocker...slow healing is what I have accomplished!!  Was advised for another 2 weeks off...and more "taking it easy".  Hmmmm....let me see....I don't think that is possible in this house.  I will give it my best shot though. 

I take it day by day and am thankful for those that have showed they care how I am doing and actually ask.  I have found it rather surprising how some don't even ask.   (bear with me...just having a little pity party...tend to do that on emotional days.) 

No...actually though each day is going better.   I have viewed these 4 weeks as a blessing to be home again and focus just on HOME!!   My favorite place!  We lead a very busy life and staying on the homefront and at least trying to provide a base for the little ones is what is needed and necessary!   

I spend a little time each day reading my blogs and trying to find some meaning in this calling I seem to feel.  Don't know where it is calling me to go...but with my daily devotions and time to reflect....it may appear right before my eyes one of these days.  
I am constantly looking for ways to save money to be able to stay home more.  Its all so temporary this time at home with these little ones that I look at it as my obligation and true desire to devote this time to them...laughing with them...tucking them in...and hearing their foot steps come running into my room in the am!

Hoping each day brings you a special message....

One word

So after reading this post on one of my favorite sites...I decided that I was going to try and see if I could come

up with a word that I was going to try to dedicate to 2011!!

It took a lot of thinking...re-thinking..and also soul searching for me to come up with one word.  I truly could have picked like 10 words for the year but the idea was only one...so one it was.

My word for the year is.....(drum roll)  ...

FAITH!!

It seems so simple...yet to me sooo profound!!

Things have changed for me since I would have to say when my aunt Carol died back in August of 2007.

The void in my life...our lives is soo powerful since she left us.  She was like a second mom to me while I grew up and also to my children too.  She was the most giving lady I ever knew!!  Anyways....Since then I have had such an increase in anxiety, panic feelings, and depression in my life that I in probably the last year have really felt this pull...pull to what I don't really have a label for it...but its pulling me somewhere I have

never been before.  I am drawn to anything that has to do with trusting a higher power...reading more religion based books..researching faith based books..anything that I come across I read.
I want FAITH to guide me and direct me to where it is that I am supposed to be going.  I don't have the answers now because I feel I have more work to do on myself.   I do believe though there is a true reason for all that happens and this year of FAITH is going to prove that to me.   I truly want to wave my white flag with the power that anxiety has over me and turn it all over...all over to that FAITH that it will be okay.
Life is so short and I want to instill in those around me that each moment counts.   Believe me there are a lot of moments I wish I could re-do each day but with FAITH and my daily baby steps I think I can live a better life and give better memories to my family.
So...Faith it is for 2011.  What is your ONE word? 
Care to share? 

2 weeks...post op

It does not seem possible that it has been 2 weeks since my surgery.

I am getting my energy back.   Still need a daily nap and at times need some quiet time to slow my thoughts and the messages coming in.

So its 2011 now and I am trying to view this decision of mine as an opportunity for change.

I know...I am always writing about change this and change that...I feel like a broken record but truly I feel it takes time to first sense that something is lacking or is pulling on me...which I have already done that step.  Then I feel like one needs to want to do something about it...for me it was just listening to it...giving this feeling a voice in my head.

Now I want to start to ACT on it...baby steps of course.

I am not quite sure what those baby steps will be and how fast I will take them..I do know that I am ready with an open heart and mind.   I still have a lot of processing to do...a lot of accepting to do in my heart.  It aches a lot.  I know this is related to my surgery.   My heart is such a mom all the time that I think it just doesn't know how to be anything but...but perhaps in time I can figure out what I can do and give myself.

Tough steps...tough thoughts...and tough answers to find many days.

 

1.11.11

Well it here....the numbers that I see all the time...

its the date...I have several of them to have this year.

Yep...went and bought my lottery tickets...eleven of them!!

Will keep you all posted...one never knows...I was once told this 1111 stuff meant "new beginnings"   but my heart is telling me its not about money....its a much deeper message trying to be told to me...but its still fun to try to win big!   I have a feeling though my winning big is going to come in many other forms this year!!

Happy 2011 to all!!

New seasons..

It has been awhile since I posted.

I have had a lot on my mind...weighing on my mind and quite honestly sending me into the core of my being with deep questions and trying to have faith that the answers and that peace will come over me.

~~sigh~~~  So here goes~~~~
For 16 years now all I have known about myself is that I love to have babies...raise my babies...be at home as much as I can with my babies.
The years have slipped past.  I have struggled with the last 3 pregnancies and I must face it now that I am 40...it is time to let go of what I know.  Being a mom...having babies has defined me for 16 years and now who will I be?
I am struggling with the change that is about to happen.
My heart is saying one thing...my mind another.
Well on December 20th I chose to have surgery to do a little "fixer upper" on this body that has birthed 7 wonderful children and say goodbye to my reproductive years.   I am not really sure how I am doing with all of this.
Somedays I am fine...yep it was the right choice...and others
with fatigue...loss of words..and sadness I grieve it.
I grieve the ability ..the option...the inner hope that perhaps we could have another.
Don't get me wrong...I KNOW I am blessed ...I have 7 healthy children...a home that we try to do our best at parenting in which most days I feel like I am failing...but that is a whole other topic.
I know people are thinking..."how can she be sad when look at how many she has...why in the world would she need or want more?"   What people don't get its not that I necessarily would have chosen to have more...its just its for one not an option anymore...and two...its me...its who I am...its what I do and now even though parenting isn't over...I feel like a huge part of me is over.
Doesn't even make sense to me as I put into words...but its what I feel.  
I cry....cry and snuggle into a ball into my bed and search for what is in store for me...I pray like I never used to...cuz believe me in the past I never did.  But over the last year...a calling or some subtle message is telling me to turn to prayer.  What its all about I don't know.  ...this too could be a whole other blog post.  All I know...is I feel lost...I feel empty...I am surrounded around the best things in life....laughter...innocence and yet sometimes I can't focus on that because
I am too wrapped up in me...my feelings.   Then the whole selfish...guilt that mom's feel kicks in.  Its a viscious cycle.  I don't even know if I get what is going through my mind most of the time.   I guess its time I start to enjoy what I have...focus on them *not like i haven't been*  and perhaps find myself again.  It has been lost for a very long time.   So how does one start?
I sit here in the silence and darkness in the early hours of the day...because the house has not awakened it and I pray for answers ...I take one moment at a time.  I ache...I am mentally tired...but us tough moms keep on trucking!!  That is one thing I know I do well...I can keep going...and going!!
That is a start right????

I am...I think...I know...

 Taken from Melissa's  post...I just love these so I couldn't resist!!

I am:  a mom, a wife, a daughter, and a Labor and Delivery RN.
I think:  that the little moments in life need to be noticed!! 

I know:  that I am a good person all the way to my inner-most self!

I want:  my family to be happy...all the time! 

I have:  insecurities that cause me to doubt myself on a daily basis.

I dislike:  my weight and the fact that I just can't let it go.
I miss:  my brother Mark and my Aunt Carol...never has a void ever been so obvious in my life! 

I fear:  that I will lose someone that is close to me. 

I feel:  strongly about being a nice to one another ALL the time!! 

I hear:  the sounds of little Delaney feet walking across the kitchen floor!

I smell:  the inside of Carol's house ...cedar! 

I search: to find inner peace with who I am and not what I think I should be. 

I wonder:  what my children will remember the most about me when I have passed on.

I regret:  all the time and energy I have spent worrying about tomorrow instead of being present today.

I love:  the miracle of birth!

I care: about everything....all the time! 

I am always:  trying to find a way to save a dime and be at home more.
I worry:  way too  much about things I can not change.

I remember:  when I was a child myself.

I have:  dreams too!

I dance:  in front of my children in the kitchen  and laugh and their expressions. 

I sing: very bad...I can not keep a tune!

I don’t always: get things right...but boy do I try! 

I argue: with my inner thoughts!

I write:  very little. 
I lose: my patience at times way too quickly.
I wish: that time could slow down a bit because I need to enjoy this time of my life more!
I listen: to lots of words all day long come from my little ones and big ones mouths!!  
I don't understand: why people can't see that having a large family IS a choice we made and we       ARE happy about it and wouldn't change a thing!
I can usually be found: at home with the little ones. 
I am scared: that I am not doing the best parenting job I can!
I need: to remember that I don't have to do it all and allow things to slide!
I forget: to pay bills on time sometimes...hey...its not like I don't have other things to do.
I am happy:   when I am at home...all day with nowhere to go and just being a mom and a wife!

What does it mean...??????????

We moved here in 2000 and it was right about then that I started noticing the numbers 111 or 1111 always appearing in my day to day life.

The most common one is catching the clock just by chance at 1:11 or 11:11.  It can happen to me 3 times in a day.   All by chance or is there a message in this?

So for almost 11 years now...in some way or another these numbers appear in my day.

Some examples:   clearing and IV pump with exactly 1111 infused that shift.

My paycheck exactly 1111

Happening to look at a mile marker while traveling and its 11 or 111.

Reading a book recently and it telling me that catching the clock at 111 or 1111 can be reminding me to pray for each of my children then.

Reviewing patients history and having a due date of 1/11

Walking down a hallway in a hotel and by chance looking at a room number of 111.

There are many more...too many to count .

I don't know what its trying to tell me but it is something,

I truly believe that.  I even googled it and it seems to happen to others too.

I found it has a "guardian angel" connection to it.  

Today is Veterans day...remembering all those guardians that fought for us!!  

So next year there will be lots of 1's in the year 2011...what does it have in store for me?  

I don't know now but I am open to the answer and to receive it.

Enjoy your 11/11 today!!  

How it used to be....

James R. Hauge

     This is my dad.   He is battling cancer.   He is doing great. 

This is a recent picture of when 

we first got the puppies.   It is from him that I got my love for dogs and training them.  This picture is the best.   It just looks natural to see his strong hands on the chest of a lab pup.  It's all about the moments....the peaceful moments...the memories we have had. 

Are you awake?

You know I am crazy when......

Julia loving on Griffin

 

 

The boys and the dad getting to meet the puppies

 

 

Mr. Grant thinking this Mr. Griffin is pretty cool!

Mathias loving this pup...

Mathias and his big smile....sooo happy!

Bringing home 2...yes 2 puppies at one time may make me appear

crazy to some...but to me and my kids...it is the best thing ever!!

They are the best thing for us..and they are the easiest puppies I

have ever had!!   

**just in case you wanted to know**

Speechless...

So I check my e-mail to day and there is one that once I read it I was at a loss for words.

My oldest girls play volleyball...live volleyball and lately sleep volleyball!

They are doing well and now are onto play on Thursday in Minnewaska.

This Holen mom rarely gets to go to see them play because guess where she is..

yep...you guessed it...at home with the little ones.  

They understand but I know they like it when I am there.  They don't ask anymore if I am coming because they know the answer.   That saddens me.

But...usually the Dad gets there.  Its teamwork but we try and be there for them.

Kaitlyn who is in 9th grade and playing varsity and Julia plays too at times when her position 

is needed.  It goes without saying how proud I am to watch the two of them play

TOGETHER and at the SAME TIME!!

LOVE IT!!   LOVE IT!!

So this week Doug is gone in California  (wah..wah...I wish I could have gone)

and I am on my own.  But what caught me off guard today was the generousity and

the amazing gift that two people could offer me.

My co-worker, friend , neighbor...and her lovely daughter offered to come over

and watch my children so that I could go.

What a blessing....it left me speechless to know that she/they were thinking of me

and knew I would not be able to go...well I could but I would spend

more time taking care of my little ones in the bleachers..that I could 

not enjoy watching my bigger ones on the court.

So initally I was right away going to respond with a thanks, but thats okay.

But then I re-thought it and realized that they would not have taken the time to offer if they 

did not want to do it.  So even though it is hard for me to accept

help,  I am going to this time!

Thank you Kristie and Grace...you are a blessing in our lives!!

Thanks for "getting" what it means to be me!

Daddy and Delaney....

Daddy loves his Delaney...look at the smiles...the love that explodes from this picture.  I am thankful for them.  It warms my heart more than words can say when I see them together.   It reminds me of the many years ago when Julia and Kaitlyn were little...there is something special about a Dad and his daughters.

I don't want this stage to ever be over.  I Love little ones in my house..they are work...but I love that they love me, their siblings, and the simplicity of just being at home.   No wants except to be talked to, loved, and just to be near...near mom...near dad!  

We need to slow down...absorb what matters most...each other and the smiles that we see in the miracles we have created.

How does something like two smiles warm the core of ones' soul?

Priceless....

It will be fine.....

It will be fine when I....

• learn to breathe
• realize and truly grasp the concept that a higher power has a plan for me
• turn my anxiety into productivity
• stop worrying
• start living each day with grace
• letting go of things I can not control
• love myself as much as I do others
• turn my focus on the big picture
• accept that I am not perfect but it is okay

• I also learn that I can not do all of this overnite!

I have a big "to do " list but I know in my heart things always work out..and although I may have stressful days...I do view them as learning moments.  I am a work in progress.  I love my family, my dreams, and my home!  I just get overwhelmed many times with the little things and its by learning to cope with those that I know will make me love my life even more!!