God provides

Fret and worry...fret and worry

So much wasted energy.

Just when you think things might be tough..

God provides you with whatever you need.

That may be faith, patience, wisdom, and

at times tough situations just to work themselves out!

Today is one of those days that I say thank you to that higher power

that always seems to look over us.  We are blessed..we are happy...and 

we like the simple life.  It may be busy but its foundation is strong and simple.

This is what I look at to remind me what a simple sleeping baby girl can tell us ..she can tell us

what really matters...peace and stillness and taking time to be

thankful...because no matter what God will provide!

Bubbles and Brothers!

     Grant and Marcus....loving bath time!!  They are pals and stick together pretty much all day!!  They are 4 and 3 years old...they look out for each other...they even at times argue with each other.  But at the end of the day hugs are given and "love you's" are said.  These two I hope will forever be pals.  

Blessings!

Grandma and Grandpa

This is my mom and dad on Delaney's baptism back in December!  It was a special day.  My dad who has been working hard this last year to beat Multpile Myeloma, had an emotional day that day.  Made this day emotional for us all.  Its always hard when you see your strong father cry.  He cried all morning.   He cried for the time he hopes he has, he cried for the blessing that Delaney is, and he cried for his family!  

Life is precious and each day is a blessing.  How do we make sure we make every second count?  I haven't figured that out quite yet.  The only thing is that i find I need to SLOW DOWN!!  

H

How does one slow down?  I wonder if my parents thought that life would go by this fast?  They are 80 years old now.  They have faced much sadness through out their years along with many blessings.  I think about my Dad that day and his tears that flowed so easily down his cheek.  He was proud and happy yet te tears flowed.    

So this other picture is on Julia's confirmation..  Another day of tears for my dady.  Julia has grown up so much that her time with them is minimal.  My mom and dad are our support, our wisdom and the love they have shown us is a blessing.  A blessing we need to think about daily.  We never know how many days we have .  So we need to make each one count.

Missing out..

I don't get out much

I don't have too many what I consider "close" friends

I tend to isolate myself to home

I only work part time outside the home that is.

I move from the minute my feet hit the ground til I go to bed

I rarely travel to visit anyone

So there are days I ask myself if I am missing out on life?

I sit back and listen and watch people do all these "things" 

I don't have time to do those things.

My life is filled with housework, running errands,

and most important caring for our 7 children!

I have to say at times I feel "left out" 

but then I look around and see that it is the 8

people that I surround myself with everyday that IS my life!

Don't get me wrong...there are days I wish I could do 

some of the things others do or have a girl get away

but I find that my heart and body are the most

relaxed in my home with my family.

I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way?

Life seems to go by faster and faster and I hope that I don't 

"miss out" on anything.

Day one....and counting!

     Well....its 1130 and we are now washing 8 chickens, well I am not, but the kids are.  We got the rest of the animals there okay.  Lots of directing..re-directing and counting heads to see if all are accounted for and if we have enough spots in the vehicle to who ever is taking who.  That is one joy of having a large family...CONSTANTLY counting heads!! 
     We had our first fair malts...yummy...and then finally at 8pm I brought the little ones home..pulled in the driveway and all 3 were sleeping.  Well you know what that means.  It means melt down city when you have to wake them up and get them in the house.  Both Grant and Marcus cried...cried...and did more crying.  Finally pj's and some spongebob settled them down.  Delaney just goes with the flow.  Ate, nursed and off to bed she went with no crying at all. 

     I can say that if it wasn't for my sister n law Pam...I would not be able to do this.  It is constant talking, telling what to do, and asking if it is done during this week.  Kids are busy and at times want the easy way out but we keep them moving.  Pam has the most patience and it is only her that could tolerate this kind of chaos for a few days.  Everyone else in our family would think we are TOTALLLY nuts to have this many kids and this much going on.  I have never heard so many thoughts, directions, names etc come out of Doug's mind.  He must be traveling at light speed inside that head.  No sailor words with the pig loading so that is good!!  It has taken us a few years to get it down but we got it now!!

     I think its time to call it a day..another day tomorrow with both the pig and the chicken show!!    Will update again tomorrow!

Get ready get set....GOOOOOO!!!

Well its County fair week....hang on for the ride that is what I always say!!  Its always good and things are busy and constantly coming and going but its things to keep the kids occupied..which is good this time of the summer..because boredom has start to set it!  Luckily my sister n law Pam and her 12 year old dtr always come to enjoy our chaos..only Pam could handle it!!  She is one of the biggest blessings in my life.  She gets me...gets my life...and praises me for it vs gives me grief!!

So I will update as the fair week goes!!!  Maybe post some pics!!  julia is taking a 1400 pound steer...the daddy is a bit worried...but I have faith!!  She loves it!!  

Mr Grant Michael Holen

Grant Michael is 3 today!!  It was 3 year ago today that I was at Lake Region Healthcare being induced.  I had lots of problems with that pregnancy.  Pre term labor...bedrest...polyhydramnios...but at 3:02pm he arrived with a tight nuchal chord and 2 more times around his neck.  Knowing what i know now as a Labor RN that is a scary thing to have...but he came out a crying and yep...we said "another boy" !!

He has become our "G"  

He has the bluest of blue eyes..

He starts and ends each day with a smile

He loves tractors 

He loves his brothers and baby sister too!!

He likes long afternoon naps.

He love to quietly come up to you and hug your leg everyday..many times each day.

He can be stubborn

He has learned to stand his ground with his siblings.

We love him so and he adds so very much to this large family.

His pregnancy was a long one but I journaled a lot while on bedrest and actually got to really enjoy the last month or so of pregnancy focusing on him.  I spent many nights contracting away wondering if it was it or not but after it all we were induced at 38 weeks and 5 days!!

Happy Birthday Grant....We love you!!

Wednesday words...

     Everyday I have a million thoughts go through my head and here I am trying to post something and can't come up with a thing to say.

Maybe I will just recap my day:

first woke up to no power and had non til almost noon.  By that time I had declared it jammy day...but apparently it was only me that stayed in my jammies...=)

Breakfast for all the kiddos...vacuumed so Miss Delaney doesn't choke on anything.  Laundry...hmm lets see I think it was 3 loads today.  Still not folded but at least done.

Refereed many disagreements with the boys....boy does that challenge my patience.  I think I lost it after disagreement number 25.

Actually snuck in an hour nap with Miss Delaney..now that is an oddity but I enjoyed it.  My eyes were just a bit tired today.

supper for all...spaghetti...garlic bread...always a hit.
Cleaned up the house and kitchen ...showered and lotioned 3 boys and 1 baby girl.  Love that smell at the end of the day.  Set up the kids to watch a movie...that is what is allowing me to do this post although Marcus has found me and is doing his non-stop chatter.   Soon he will quit talking and then be asleep.  One of the sweetest things about him.

I know I have missed a million things...oh yeah...hung up clothes in boys room and Delaneys room that had been folded and waiting for many days.  

I love being home.   I have times of being overwhelmed but no that it truly is a blessing.  I just need to stop and see them.  Its easy to count 7 blessings and add another for my husband in my world.  I even got to listen to some Josh Groban as I typed this.   Another peaceful and gift for the end of my day.

What was your end of the day gift? 

Expectations???

Okay so here we are the 4th of July weekend...Gma and Gpa came and took 3 of the kiddos up to the cabin...now do I go to or stay home?  The other kids want to go soo badly...gives them time by the water and with cousins and gets us out of our home for a bit but I struggle leaving home knowing that it seems twice as hard to take care of the kids far away.  i shouldn't want to take the easy way out.  I love it up there too...wide open space...beautiful shore and scenery...nice dock to sit on but I always...always worry my kids are too much.  Where has this stemmed from?  I don't know...perhaps way back when I had only 3 kids I remember being told by a family member to "split them up cuz they are a bit much"  Ouch....that one I needed a band aid for and took me many years to get over that one.  But now I sit with 7 and love every one of them but yes it is work...and believe me I have days I am not the best mom I can be but I try.

Sooo...do we go or stay put?  I need to work on this part of my parenting.  loving my kids even when they are "busy" and not expect them to be perfect all the time.  I think I am just tired.  Perhaps the cabin could refresh me...reset me.  I know I need it.  I need to change something within me cuz this momma is tired and has lost her positive outlook.  I sure can put on a good show though.   I should get an award for that huh???   

Kids are blessings...my life is blessed...I just need to slow down and feel it and enjoy it!!

I am a trying...

Well I am a trying....trying to get it together...my mind and actions that is!!  I have been overwhelmed lately...actually overwhelmed...overstimulated and just plain over-everything!!  I don't want to be this way but I think something is "missing".  Last week my two college girlfriends along with their combined 7 kids came to visit me.  It was wonderful to see them.  It had been over 3 years since I had seen them.  I never am able to sneak away to their gatherings or occasions so they packed up and traveled close to 6 hours to see me!!   

They are special people in my life and honestly I have neglected them by not communicating the way I should but you would never know that.  We can pick up where we left off as if no time has gone by.  LOVE THAT ABOUT THEM!!   Well...anyways   I have been struggling lately...with my internal dialogue and just keeping this house in motion without me being a crabby mom that can't handle more than one voice at a time or else so consumed by my anxiety that I can't even hear that one voice.  Its not fair to me, to my hubby, and my kids so I am working on "me".  That is what I am trying to do.  My friend Lana...kept speaking here and there mixed in her stories and memories of her daily devotions and her faith.  Of course I have faith...always have but just have always remained quiet about it.  I am not a vocal person about that although you get me started on what really matters in this world...I will chat your ear off.  Anyways...I was drawn to what she had to share.  We talked a lot.   A lot about faith, patience, raising spiritual and healthy children.  It was such a blessing to ME to have her here to visit.  So.... she mentioned Hearts At Home...a seminar she went to.  I signed up the day they left and I AM GOING!!   It isn't til November but I am sooo excited.  I even went to the library last eve and checked out some books.  Lisa Welchel's "Put the Me back in Mommy".   Lana told me about that one too.  Love it so far.  She also introduced me to the daily devotions she gets by email and how it relates to busy family lives.  LOVE that too!!  

So perhaps with some time and maybe just 10 minutes a day for me to try and focus on the "mom", I can be better at what I do.  I just feel like I am failing...failing as a mom, wife and failing myself.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  It's exhausting...give and give but I have forgotten to GIVE to myself!  So I just think it is so neat how things fall into place...friends visiting, me struggling, and friends leading me to where I wanted to go but just didn't know it!!  Life is good...I just need to remember to sit back and feel that!!

What up with dat???

Okay...sooo this has been a long time waiting to get this blog thing back on track...and me back on track..   I am tired...tired...and did I say tired?   I love my large family, large farm, large everything but its taking its toll...does anyone else ever feel this way?   I just can not keep up and this organization goal of mine seems to be for the birds cuz its sure not panning out for my kids.

I think my anxiety level is at its highest...nope I am not a super mom....super women...super anything really...just me who gives and give a little more in all honesty just to get perhaps a little glimpse of feeling respected...appreciated...but that just doesn't seem to be the theme around this holen house.  The mom is trying...treading water....keeping my head above water, but i feel like I am sinking.   Any tips out there to try and get myself re-centered.  I have these great ideas and dreams of how I think this busy house should run...but it only does for a day or two and then i am back to square one and my anxiety on high again.  I know...blah blah blah...poor Kim....truly...I am not looking for any sympathy... just perhaps someone to "get it"  get what I am going through and offer just perhaps a tap on the shoulder or a word or two of support.  I feel abnormal and lately internally exhausted.  

I love my family...I love what they bring to my life...I just am trying to find something that I think is missing...faith perhaps and the feeling that I am worth it...and what I want in this family is a good thing. 

oh... a tough one...

Well...today a bit of a difficult one.  Had to see Doug off at the airport headed to Russia.  What an exciting experience for him...bu a lot harder on me to say goodbye than I had thought.  I worry about everything and going from about 5 phone calls a day back and forth typically...to perhaps and email daily from his will be a change.   Lets just see how this week goes.  I will do my best...challange my patience and try just try to be positive.

Isn't this the way its supposed to be?

Hello....smile....and perhaps a hug to follow.  That is how the day begins for me with my supersweet Marcus.

He was soo happy this day because mom and baby Delaney were able to come out too and play and enjoy the warm weather.  So many days I catch myself staying in the house because my to do list is endless and then I remember that I will never get another moment like these to enjoy with my kids...so today I paused and decided to go be by them and enjoy!!  A moment to stop and breathe and just watch these kids be who they are...no worries..happy...and innocence to no end.  Can you remember the last time you felt that way?

Regrets?

W

Family is everything to me...I don't  think that is a big secret to anyone that knows me.  I recently traveled over 6 hours to a funeral of my uncle who I grew up around as a child.  Those were the days that we all still got together for holidays...annual summer reunions...just visits...but as life changed  and kids grew up the visits now are pretty much limited to weddings and funerals.  Rather sobering thought.  It was nice to visit and get caught up with the cousins and my aunt Mary Ann who is now going to struggle living alone..without Ed.  I looked around and realized what a close family they are in their own way...just as we are in ours.  They are just seperate.  I miss those days of visiting and catching up.  I was saddened that my parents couldn't come.  My dad is struggling so it was not a good idea for him to travel that far.  I missed them being there because then perhaps for a moment it might have felt like the old times.  Although...people have passed on and some did not make it.

So as I continue to think about how much family means to me....and recently attending this funeral...I wonder why some just don't get it?   Why doesn't everyone realize that each day is a gift...a pleasure that may be taken at any moment?  I know I have spoken of my sister and her desire to cut me out of her life...I just can't get why she thinks her choice is a good one.   Won't she regret not knowing my 7 children...she hasn't even met Delaney.  Won't she regret missing out on the family gatherings?  Because right now any gathering we may have is done seperate from her and her spouse Jimmy.  I know that in her mind she feels she is right.   But she is not in a "right" place right now in my opinion.  An abusive, verbally and emotionally spouse has changed her and has isolated her from all of us.  We miss the Sandi that once was around.  I struggle ...I struggle daily with the choice she has made.  So what is the meaning of family to some?  Perhaps a spouse alone is enough...to me...it is the center of my soul...my life...my dreams.  I can not imagine looking around and having noone to call my own.

The 6 hour drive was a blessing....a time to reflect...listen to the chatter of my Grant...spending time with my sister-n-law Pam driving...and having a few jokes and talking with my brother.  I think of my aunt...my cousins...who now do not have a father... I listened to them share stories of pride, happiness and the lessons they learned from their dad...their family.  I bet they have no regrets....what do you say to someone after its too late...do you forgive...or let go now and move on?   Each day...I look at the path I am led down and am thankful and find peace knowing I am trying...at least trying ...to be thankful for my family and do the best I can to not live with the fear of regrets.

Chubby hand...chubby feet

Love the hands, hands, fingers, toes!! 

Delaney's first fountain doo!!!

What fun I had today..after Delaney's bath I played a bit with her growing hair and gave her a nice first time "fountain".  It brings back soo many memories because when her big sisters were little that was a daily task...putting in their fountains so they could play and have their hair off their face!!  This girl is soo much fun!!  I just had to share this big moment with everyone!!
Isn't it funny how such a little thing makes me just giggle inside?  She thought I was a bit goofy pulling on her hair and big brother Marcus just kept telling me to "take that out mommy".   He has to get used to this girly stuff!!  Little does he know there will be many years of it! 

My Dad

So this is my dad....taken probably over a year ago...before his life changed...He is 79 years old but acts as though he is 55.  He love to hunt...fish...trap...and loves dogs!!  He is a gentle, honest, hard working man who has the warmest heart I know.  His head is clear, his heart is warm but he was told about a year ago now...that his body is sick.  He was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma.  Cancer...how do you handle that kind of blow....a year ago now he was in and out of the hospital...2 fractured vertebrae  (from the cancer) and weak....confused from pain meds...and a different dad than I ever had seen.  Confused...tired...scared....but yet the same...positive...committed and determined to beat this.  So to Rochester we headed and now after a year of Oral chemo...he is amazing!!  It actually only took about 3 months for him to get back to somewhat of himself.  He just got done with his annual work up at Rochester and we await the bone scan and marrow biopsy but his labs are AWESOME!!  Way to go dad!!  He is walking almost 2 miles a day and is on the go all the time...what a blessing!!
       My dad has more wisdom than anyone that I know....he has taught me so many lessons...and has taught me to look at the positive side of things and not to worry about what we can not control.  That one I still continue to practice on.
       So Dad...this post is for you....your strength and determination is amazing!!

Mr. G!!

So this is our Mr. Grant...or G we call him.  He is going to be 3 this July.  He is a busy , blue eyed boy!  What else could he be?  He can brighten my day with his simple leg hugs....crawling on my lap....and just being him.  I have found that his energy level and also noise level has risen a lot in the last 6 months...Do you think its from his brothers?

A day in the life of G is ...his blanket..hugs from mom....spongebob ...more hugs from mom...running outside but staying as far away as possible from the cows....tooo scary for him...but loves the chickens!  He is a wonderful napper....I love our quiet afternoons.   He is a great big brother now to Delaney... He loves her so.  At times its a bit of invading her space but at least its love huh?

How come they grow up so fast?  I still remember him being the baby...now he just seems soo big already!!  I wish that I had it me to start and end each day with a smile the way he does!!  Aren't 2 year olds the most amazing little things?

Overwhelmed....

Overwhelmed is the theme for today....I can't shake it.  Its consuming me today.   Bills....kids....life....organizing...its all on my mind and shoulders today.  I have got to step back and take a deep breath....look around...it will be okay right?  I try to stay sooo on top of things and then BAM....whamo....slap....another hurdle.  I love my life ...just having a hard day...need some extra tlc and perhaps just a hug...I think my kids can give me that tonite before I shut my eyes.  7 hugs would be nice for any mom right?  I am hoping the theme for tomorrow is peace.  Peace within my mind and soul.  I need that.  Most days are peace...but today...I guess I am just a little off track!

I know this is just my nature...I have always since I was a kid...worried...fretted about the unknown...and the what ifs...I don't know where it stems from...perhaps someday I can figure it all out.  We all have our issues.  today they are just really showing up.  Its a bit of a downer...I struggle with downer days.  Wish I didn't have to but I do.  Its me...whether I like me or not...its me!

Isn't this the truth?

     I read this post and it felt as if it was me writing it.   It says it all...it made me feel normal...human...and that it is okay to feel the way I do some days!!  It is funny how you can have all of these feelings and all of a sudden somehow something sends it into your life...like its supposed to show up at that time to give you strength...faith...and a feeling of peace just when you need it.  Isn't it amazing how God sends us a message.  We walk right into it just at the right time.  We just have to be open to receiving it....something I work on daily...being open to what God wants to give to me and teach me!