Silence is Golden....

Do you ever have moments when you say something...and then wish you could

just grab it right back?  Well I guess I did that today.  Worst thing is that I didn't even speak it

I texted it!!   Yikes did I make an expolosion!!

All my life I have kept quiet...helped keep the peace at my own cost..

I have let numerous people in my life control me...say mean things...bully me as a child..

and NEVER once stood up for myself or stated my feelings or opinion.  

I was the shy Kim who still is at times and suffers from the "disease to please"

Well today....I guess perhaps it is only the 3rd time in my life I have spewed off my opinion to my sister...

(who has shut me out of her life for now about 11 months)   It was only about 8 words and I have been quiet for 11 months and I guess my whole adult life...and boy did I cause an uproar!!

I don't think I have ever been yelled at ....scolded more..or threatened by anyone the way I was today by her spouse.

I know I "texted" on impulse but it hurts to be shut out...it hurts that your own sister chooses a life without me and my children.   I am no saint...but I also know that in the depths of my heart I have never purposefully hurt another...I am not wired that way.  I have feelings...I have fears...I usually keep them to myself...because of this exact reason...cuz when I do speak...and yes I admit today I was feeling rather sassy, I pay the price!

I have been educated more today on what peoples real colors can be more than any other day

of my life.

My lesson today is that silence is truly golden...even if the words needed to be said...wanted to be said.

I should not have spoke! (even though I do feel I have a right)

I have been burned for the last time.   I guess I have to come to the realization that my sister would rather be without me....and when I turned to my brother for support or an opinion today...he too told me I made an error and pretty much closed his ears to me as well.

I am turning this fear...hurt...and guilt over to God today!

This Kim is done...done ...done!!

I wave my white flag...I surrender...I give up!

I am alone but stronger for it!

5 years ago today....

10.14.05 was a good day.   Marcus Arlan joined our family at 8:32 pm.

This pregnancy with our 5th child was different.  We actually knew that we were

having a boy.  We never knew with any of the others.  We decided to go for induction due to just

the business of our lives and wanting to have our others looked after.

It was a long day.  He arrived with no troubles and ended up being our smallest one

that far.   7 pounds 5 ounces.  A peanut to us.  We were used to 8 pounders at least.  

He had his own look and we soon discovered that he had earned the label of being

the easiest baby we had so far.

He would watch and watch everything.  He slept 4-5 hour stretches from the first nite on.

I really enjoyed him!  

We still enjoy him.   He is our supersweet.  His smile is never-ending.

He loves farming and loves his family.

and his family loves him!!

 

Thoughts for Tuesday...

So in one of my previous posts...I had mentioned I was gonna go visit my brother.

I did last Thursday 10.7.10.

He died in 1987, I was a junior in high school.

I sat in the grass for about a half hour or so enjoying the 

beautiful fall weather...the breeze...and brushed the grass that

had stuck to his headstone from the previous mowings.

I cried...because in no way after all these years does it get any easier

when you know your brother took his own life.

I taped photos of my kids on and left a bottle of Pepsi for him.

He would have enjoyed my kids.

He would have enjoyed lots of other things too had he not made

the choice he did.  

I will never know why...nor will I understand.

I just have to accept and be thankful for what time

I was given with him.

I know he is still near us...watching....and

probably wondering too if his choice was the right one.

I have to disagree with his choice but then again

that would be selfish of me.

I miss his smile, his jokes and seeing him drive

in his Mach 1 cars.

He could have been...

He should have been...

But he is not.

I do know that he is missed and words may go unspoken but

we think of him daily.

Mark Russel Hauge

Am I listening?

So as you have read in my previous entries...you all know that I am trying, and I mean trying to 

work on me a little bit and just find some strength from a higher power.

Soooo....Let me start my story.

Sunday I wanted to go visit my parents..with some kids that were healthy

cuz since my dad started a new Chemo...gotta keep in good health!!

So we packed up the suburban with some kiddos and of course....the puppies!!

My dad loves dogs....soo a treat it would be to have them come for a visit!

But a half hour down the road..the suburb starts to drive "funny".   It was swerving weird.

So luckily I was right at the 4 way stop after Henning and pulled over in the lot of the little

'ol cafe there.  I called our insurance....because we do have roadside but of course

no luck...being on hold forever got me nowhere and finally I just walked

into the cafe with the look of a woman that has no clue what to do and was

hoping someone in there could help.  Well.....a guy stood up and said he could

take a look and he did...no tire jack...nothing to get the spare even out to change.

Then as we stand there scratching our heads another man and his wife offer their help.

So long story shorter....after an hour and half of these nice men working on my

suburb its ready to roll...back home of course and I offered something for 

their time but quickly they stated in sync..."no we won't take a thing.  We have been helped

and now we have helped.  We just did this as a favor.  Its the way its supposed to be"

 So I thank them as much as I can and on our way, with disappointed kids on board,

back home.

Well then this morning I opened my devotional book that I have been reading each

day....guess what the title is??   Yep of course you guessed it.

"Paying it forward"

My mouth fell open and I thought ..boy someone is trying

to talk to me...am I listening?

Well let me tell you...I was this morning!!

Amazing how things happen and open your eyes.

So now its my turn to do that favor to someone else...

I will let you know when I have paid it forward!!

Listen.....can you hear it?   I bet you can if you try.

I have been trying and its slowly getting louder and louder for me!

So...I challenge you to pay it forward too!

 

Time to re-visit

It's been many years since I have seen my brother Mark.

Perhaps becuase he is in heaven.

He died in 1987.

He took his life.

Words are few about him anymore but the thoughts are always there.

He is missed.  I hope he is happy though where he has chosen to go.

So lately I have been thinking I need to go see him.

He is buried in Faribault, MN, my hometown.

It has been about 4 or 5 years since I have been there so this

Thursday I have decided to drive to Faribault to pay a little 

visit to him and remember....remember him and his nice smile,

his joy for fishing, and his love of Pepsi.  I think I may just have

to bring him a can of it.  He might enjoy that.

I am hoping to go alone.   Just so that I can have my own time...I don't get much of that.  

I wish our family would not have had to deal with this tragedy many 

years ago...but we did and we have grown, changed, and some of us have 

learned what really matters, while there are others in my family who still

just don't "get it". 

The fall colors will be pretty and I will wash his tombstone and get it nice and shiny.

Perhaps the sun will shine down that day as well.....

In this home....

We do second chances.

We do grace.

We do real.

We do mistakes.

We do I'm sorrys.

We do loud really well.

We do hugs.

We do family.

We do love.

One of those moments....

Kaitlyn Janece Holen....selected for homecoming court for 9th grade.

How can this be?   My second daughter who I still remember her little toddler days and now look at her.   It was one of the moments that I realized that she is a young lady..a spirit that is growing and turning into one amazing person.

She makes me proud when she excels at her sports...she makes me smile when I watch her with her little brothers...she makes me at peace when I see her wonderful smile and most of all she brings me happiness when I watch her be her silly self and have fun with her sister Julia.

Kaitlyn is almost 15 years old...hard to grasp for me.   

Her daddy is proud of her and is having a hard time watching her grow up into this young lady.  

We are proud of her.   

Time alone

  I don't get much time alone....not that I even really want it but sometimes it is a treat to be able to think and absorb myself into the quiet house...listen to the wind chimes go...watch the flag blow gently in the wind.   Its just little things.
   I really want to stay at home even more.  I just can't quite put a plan into place that would allow me to do that.   I love these younger years of my children...the sports of my olders and when I am alone that is when I truly have time to sit in silence and comprehend how blessed I really am.
    Julia...my oldest...so mature yet giddy too and determined to succeed at whatever she does.
    Kaitlyn...my 14 year old.  Growing into a young lady before my eyes.  Used to be so quiet but, now has exploded into her own personality and turning into quite the athlete.
     James...my sensitive, big hearted, hard worker...who truly loves this large family.  My boy who comes to me for a daily hug or chat no matter what.
     Mathias...a busy boy, can be challanging at times but his love for farming is endless and his desire to be near his dad is obvious everyday.   He too likes his moms hugs,  tuck ins and silliness.
     Marcus is still supersweet who has the cutest sayings, expressions and a memory that is amazing!   He too loves to be near his dad all the time and FARM!!
     Grant...or G we call him.   A boy that hugs his moms leg everyday and has the bluest eyes ever.  I love his smile and his "yep" answer for everything.
      Then our Delaney who has changed the meaning and goal for our family!!   A girl that is bright eyed and loves to watch her siblings.   I hope she grows to love our large family too!!
       So it is in these quiet times I can look at each pieces of my heart and soul and know that there are many but each one adds a little something of its own to make our home a whole!

The Holen Gang and my niece Brooklyn holding Delaney!!

Miss Delaney is ONE!!!!!

September 22nd of 2009 was one day that I 

know something of the higher power was having a say in!!

Back in 2007 when I had Grant...I thought I would have

my tubes tied and 6 children is what we would be happily blessed with.

But with surgery schedule messes....no time available and along with 

my internal anxiety about everything being so "final"...something was trying to tell me to stop...think...and listen to what my instincts were telling me.

I was putting on my happy face to the nurses after Grant was born...and hours after..but inside I was a spinning mess because something was telling me NOT to make the decision to be "DONE".   Soooo  I called Doug because of course it was fair week and he was home by this time loading pigs and expressed my anxiety...all the bumps in the road...and he said "Do what you feel is right" and 

" I will be okay with whatever you decide."   AHHHHHH....can we say RELIEF with a capital R!!

I bailed...chickened out..whatever one wants to call it but I changed my mind and NO TUBAL FOR ME...that was a higher power whispering if not yelling at me to listen to them.  It wasn't over for me...

I dreamed many times that I was going to have a girl with dark hair...many dreams....many nites of taking care of babes in the nursery I would see in my mind what my daughter would look like...

and on 9-22-09....she arrived!!   SHE was a surprise...I thought it would be a HE....Right after she came out...with one loooong push...I looked down...saw the umbilical cord..and yep figured for a split second there...another boy...but then Dr. Norgard moved that cord...and my eyes saw that my GIRL had arrived!!   I fell back into the bed...hands over my face and cried the hardest tears I had shed in a very long long time....God had blessed us with another girl!!   She was beautiful...exactly how I had pictured her....dark hair and lots of it and the spitting image of her big sister Julia!!   I cried....Doug cried..he cut the cord..(wich he never had done before) and the whole room was whooping and hollering  "Its a girl"  and tears everywhere in the room.  Even Dr. Norgard got a bit choked up...What emotions and what a special presence that was in that room 206 at 2:36pm.....it was a strong presence that continued to make me and staff cry for over an hour!!   I loved that day...l loved that girl that Doug and I had created!!

Miss Delaney Ann Holen

So now a year has gone by...or flown by and she has brought soo much into our lives and a desire or yearning to find the true meaning of what life is...she has inspired me to grow into a better mom, wife, nurse, and just a better me.  I am thankful for her and the incredible gift she has given to me...I look at life with a bit different view...and many days this desire in me brings me to tears.   I cry with joy from her and what she has and is showing me!!

3 months old...of course..fingers in the mouth!

She has my eyes...Doug's face and her brothers long eye lashes...

Although soo  many happy days...I find a bit of sadness in me because this year has gone sooo fast.  I miss the little stage.  I miss the little one sleeping up on my shoulder.  But now...I love her babbling...her smiles...the way she twirls her hair when she nurses...and I love her!!!

My Delaney is one now...

Big Brother Marcus...talking to her and loving  her!

She is a blessing....a gift....a treasure...a girl that has opened my eyes to a new way of thinking...although I always had these feelings of "something more" in me...she has brought them out so I can grow.  Children are amazing. I would have 30 if I could....but I will be blessed with my 7!!

 

Piggy time is good times!

Marcus loves to be in charge of the pig gate..he does a very good job...any chore he can have he will take!!

Mr James looking sooo grown up ...how did this happen?

View from the barn up to our house....we love our simple wide open spaces!

This is Mr. Mathias having a lil chat with the piggies.  He loves them!

Marcus is school bound....

Mr Marcus....supersweet....Marcus Arlan

is officially now in preschool.

 We struggled...we contemplated...we worried..

but in the end we decided he is almost 5 and needs to spread his wings a bit

and get away some from the mom.

The mom was sad...unsure..but happy for him.

He didn't realize...coat first then backpack.

It was him that wasn't soo sure.  He was excited about a backpack of his own.

 He was excited about being at school with his siblings...but he in the next breath would be saying  "me not going to school,  me stay home by mom....Do you work today mom?"

(He is working on his speech with therapy...and also knows if I don't work there is a way he can stay home)  Gotta say he does have me figured out. 

Buy now after a few days of tears....he is happy he is going.. he does not like the bus.  I asked him why. and his response "it takes awhile"  and awhile it is...over an hour on the bus on the way home.  But he has his brothers to look over him and he is doing well.

He comes home and is soo proud.  

We love our supersweet and he just doesn't seem like he can be turning 5 soon.

I remember the day he arrived, wasn't that yesterday?

Taking that first walk into school.  Sun is shining..Marcus is beaming!

Yes....I do have a James...

James Douglas Holen   11 years old

 

James and his sister and god-daughter Delaney Ann!!

  
  Mojo...Jimbo...Gravy Train...many nicknames of my oldest boy but he usually just simply goes by James.   He was born in 1998 in Kalispell Montana.   He was a fussy...colicky baby and had lots of tummy aches.  I always look back and kinda feel robbed out of his tiny stage.  We didn't know how to soothe him , as with most colicky babies..ya just can't.   But as time went...and with each milestone he got better.  Walking was huge step..he was mobile so not soo frustrated and then when he could talk...he was a different boy!   Happy..curious and content.  He has struggled his whole life with chronic ear infections and now for the last few months has been great!!  We are thankful for that.  
     He is a gentle soul...all about deep thinking and I know believes in the higher power above.  He is all about sports...Xbox...action and more action but inside he is my softie.  I know he cares and has such a huge desire to please.   
     He loves his brothers and helps out so very much.  That is what I have noticed the most this summer...his willingness to help.  A mom can not be thankful for anything more because with 7 kids in this house...any help is appreciated!!

I

 Boys...and more boys...they sure look alike!!

Outdoor fun....or is it outdoor work?

Of course...the two boys together...how else can it be? 

Marcus giving us a grin through the corn!! He is still our supersweet...although this summer
it seems as if we at times get a glimpse of a not sooo super-sweet Marcus!  He has a way about 
him...gotta love him but he IS learning from his older bros!! 

Grant Michael....all smiles!  "Look at me mom!!"  This young man has 
changed so much this summer.  He can be outside on his own ...kinda...
and plays and talks up a storm!  He has not quite gotten the hang of knowing not to interrupt when
someone else is talking.....I think that comes when you are perhaps 6 or 7??  Can those baby blue eyes
melt your heart any more?  I love my "G"!!

These two boys...smiles from ear to ear working with their Daddy!

 

 

 

 

 

Mathias working up a sweat!  This is a big deal for this young man!   He begs and begs
to mow lawn...sooo finally at age 7 , even though I tend to be too nervous to let
him do these things,  I taught him and watched him!!  He was soo proud
of himself as he mowed the garden...red faced and all!

Marcus hard at it!  This young man will do anything...
as long as he can be by his Dad....a true helper!

What matters most...

The Holen Gang and Miss Brooklyn (my niece)

This picture of was the start of county fair week and we figured to add to the chaos of the week we might as well do a family photo shoot...casual but fun!
This is what matter the most to me...smiling kids!
They smiled for the camera but in between there were "ah c'mon mom" and "do we have to?" and even a few "can we be done yet?"    But i kept pushing them to hang in there and for crying out loud..smile!!  Ya gotta smile so the pics turn out right?

So this is Kaitlyn my 14 year old...she smiled nice...I think she is the one that in time will truly see that our large family is a blessing and not a nuisance.  A lot of time the siblings look at our family as crazy and out of control.  How can it not be at times...especially supper time.  (when I need my anxiety meds the most...=)
I know what matters most...I just hope somewhere deep in their hearts they do to.  So many days I hope we made the right choice to keep on having kids.  I wouldn't give any one of them up...don't get me wrong..I just hope their memories are just as special to them as they are me.  I hope the squabbling and egging on after all the years pass they will love one another more and stick close....cuz its in the end ...family is what matters most!!

             

county fair

Miss Delaney Ann

So My Miss Delaney has had a high fever since Monday but finally now today...no fever!!!   YEAH!!!  I have not ever seen her soo quiet yet still trying to be happy. She is almost 11 months old and I can't believe it.  Where has the time gone?  She adds so much to our lives.
I struggle with the thought that she is most likely, or is, my last baby.   I am sooo thankful for what  I have but I wonder when will this desire to have more ever go away?   I know there are days I am overwhelmed and can't imagine having one more to this gang but on the other hand would love to keep adding to our family.
I think at times its an issue of me just accepting that my child bearing years are over and that is something I must grieve.  I haven't started to yet but I know its like a cloud glooming over me..waiting for me to tackle it or walk through.  Then there are somedays I think just maybe...maybe...there could be one more.  A little secret hope that I have....now its not a secret though anymore is it?

So today I will enjoy my happy and fever free Delaney and be thankful for the 7 miracles I have and even though I may get overwhelmed at times I still love it!  My life is blessed and my children keep us young. 

God provides

Fret and worry...fret and worry

So much wasted energy.

Just when you think things might be tough..

God provides you with whatever you need.

That may be faith, patience, wisdom, and

at times tough situations just to work themselves out!

Today is one of those days that I say thank you to that higher power

that always seems to look over us.  We are blessed..we are happy...and 

we like the simple life.  It may be busy but its foundation is strong and simple.

This is what I look at to remind me what a simple sleeping baby girl can tell us ..she can tell us

what really matters...peace and stillness and taking time to be

thankful...because no matter what God will provide!

Bubbles and Brothers!

     Grant and Marcus....loving bath time!!  They are pals and stick together pretty much all day!!  They are 4 and 3 years old...they look out for each other...they even at times argue with each other.  But at the end of the day hugs are given and "love you's" are said.  These two I hope will forever be pals.  

Blessings!

Grandma and Grandpa

This is my mom and dad on Delaney's baptism back in December!  It was a special day.  My dad who has been working hard this last year to beat Multpile Myeloma, had an emotional day that day.  Made this day emotional for us all.  Its always hard when you see your strong father cry.  He cried all morning.   He cried for the time he hopes he has, he cried for the blessing that Delaney is, and he cried for his family!  

Life is precious and each day is a blessing.  How do we make sure we make every second count?  I haven't figured that out quite yet.  The only thing is that i find I need to SLOW DOWN!!  

H

How does one slow down?  I wonder if my parents thought that life would go by this fast?  They are 80 years old now.  They have faced much sadness through out their years along with many blessings.  I think about my Dad that day and his tears that flowed so easily down his cheek.  He was proud and happy yet te tears flowed.    

So this other picture is on Julia's confirmation..  Another day of tears for my dady.  Julia has grown up so much that her time with them is minimal.  My mom and dad are our support, our wisdom and the love they have shown us is a blessing.  A blessing we need to think about daily.  We never know how many days we have .  So we need to make each one count.

Missing out..

I don't get out much

I don't have too many what I consider "close" friends

I tend to isolate myself to home

I only work part time outside the home that is.

I move from the minute my feet hit the ground til I go to bed

I rarely travel to visit anyone

So there are days I ask myself if I am missing out on life?

I sit back and listen and watch people do all these "things" 

I don't have time to do those things.

My life is filled with housework, running errands,

and most important caring for our 7 children!

I have to say at times I feel "left out" 

but then I look around and see that it is the 8

people that I surround myself with everyday that IS my life!

Don't get me wrong...there are days I wish I could do 

some of the things others do or have a girl get away

but I find that my heart and body are the most

relaxed in my home with my family.

I wonder if anyone else ever feels this way?

Life seems to go by faster and faster and I hope that I don't 

"miss out" on anything.

Day one....and counting!

     Well....its 1130 and we are now washing 8 chickens, well I am not, but the kids are.  We got the rest of the animals there okay.  Lots of directing..re-directing and counting heads to see if all are accounted for and if we have enough spots in the vehicle to who ever is taking who.  That is one joy of having a large family...CONSTANTLY counting heads!! 
     We had our first fair malts...yummy...and then finally at 8pm I brought the little ones home..pulled in the driveway and all 3 were sleeping.  Well you know what that means.  It means melt down city when you have to wake them up and get them in the house.  Both Grant and Marcus cried...cried...and did more crying.  Finally pj's and some spongebob settled them down.  Delaney just goes with the flow.  Ate, nursed and off to bed she went with no crying at all. 

     I can say that if it wasn't for my sister n law Pam...I would not be able to do this.  It is constant talking, telling what to do, and asking if it is done during this week.  Kids are busy and at times want the easy way out but we keep them moving.  Pam has the most patience and it is only her that could tolerate this kind of chaos for a few days.  Everyone else in our family would think we are TOTALLLY nuts to have this many kids and this much going on.  I have never heard so many thoughts, directions, names etc come out of Doug's mind.  He must be traveling at light speed inside that head.  No sailor words with the pig loading so that is good!!  It has taken us a few years to get it down but we got it now!!

     I think its time to call it a day..another day tomorrow with both the pig and the chicken show!!    Will update again tomorrow!