Right or wrong?

Do you ever have those moments with your spouse that

your intentions are good but then it turns south quickly?

Seems to be happening to me DAILY!!

I just despise the thought of right and wrong!

Why can't there be a in between?

Funny....it seems I am always on the wrong side.

Anyone got any advice or techniques that I could perhaps end on the right side?

 

An eeyore kind of mood...

It seems as if I am always a downer on my posts..

Well my personality really isn't a "downer" the majority of the time...but I do have an eeyore kind of mood today.  Trying to keep my eyes open and shake it off and start anew today.  I had my test injection yesterday in my back and if I had to say it was a success...I would say no.   I truly thought i would walk..painfully...into same day surgery...have the injection of lidocaine to test to see if I get pain relief...hop of the table and home I would go feeling like a whole new person.   Nope that didn't happen...sure my back was numb in one area but then guess what...the pain was still there BELOW the injection area!!  I guess the only fortunate outcome is i know on test #2 he will need to go lower!!  I pray that lower is the answer.

By the end of the day I was so miserable.   So today its with a blah mood that i am trying to focus on the good...focus on the possibilities that lie ahead.   I know God is challenging me for a reason.  To make me stronger.

To make me more thankful for what I have.   

 I have 7 wonderful heads to hug each day.

I have 14 hands that I give a high five each day.

I have 3 little ones that still think I am pretty cool each day!

I have the great country outdoors that give me a beautiful view.

I have the air in my lungs and my heart that beats for me.

So I am going to shake this Eeyore mood of mine and 

get set straight, pain and all, and enjoy my day

with the things that matter most to me.

Best of all I get to stay home doing it!!

 

Reminds me of being a kid!

I had a moment today watching Grant that brought me back to being a 

kid too at one time.

There Grant sits on his knees bent over with his face into the grass

crying..crying cuz his Daddy had to go to a meeting.

Crying because he didn't get to go.

Crying because his dad just got home and already has to leave.

So daddy waves as is leaving and tells him he will be home soon.

But that just make Grant angrier and cry harder.

But within minutes of the truck being out of the driveway 

Grant gets up and walked over to the open area so he can

see his Daddy's truck drive away on the road...without him.

He just stood and watched...quiet by this time..but watching and

thinking and then eventually walking back to the house.

It was sad to watch and also reminded me of being a kid.

Every summer I used to go spend it at my Aunt and Uncles

house, Carol and Arlan's, in Lake City, MN.

I usually spent a week there.   Don't get me wrong...I loved

going there.  I looked forward to it because they were 

like 2nd parents to us.  They never had kids

of their own...so we were their own.

I counted the days til I got to go.

But....there was always that moment...that moment when you knew

Mom and Dad were gonna leave soon to head back home and 

leave you behind.  They had a brick lampost that stood towards

the end of their driveway yet still in the grass that I would always stand leaning

against and peeking around watching their big Chrysler drive away down the

road out of sight.  I cried...I always cried and usually I stood there

alone and briefly wishing I could go back home too because

I knew i would miss them.   After a bit...I too would then 

turn and walk to the house and know that even though

I was sad at that moment...my fun was just  beginning for

the week!!

I miss you Carol and Arlan!

I miss being a kid sometimes!

One pound at a time....

So it's Monday...that means...it is weigh in day!

I have not stepped on the scale since 1 week ago.

As I had put in a previous post I had gone back

to Park Rapids and had my lap band tightened a bit...

So in 2 weeks..I have lost  (drum roll....)  11 pounds!

I am pleased about that!!   It feels good to succeed.

I really have been sticking to my protein and only 1 cup of food per meal

Some days are tough...really tough to stay away from the junk.

But along with the other things I am working on...I am working on this too!!

 I keep on telling myself it didn't come back on quick...so don't take it off quick.

I am back to drinking water and crystal lite....but I sure miss my Diet Cokes 

and Mtn Dews.   

I find that I usually want to eat if I am stressed about something or sad..

It is a coping thing for me.

I know that for sure.   Because I want to beat myself up so many times

that I also can eat more so nobody can get at me too.

Isn't it funny how the thing we don't want the most...for me gaining weight and

being an overweight mommy....we end up being exactly that.

So walking, drinking water and counting protein are on my daily

to do list!!   Kaitlyn and Julia and I are gonna do a  5K in July and Kater is training for the 

half marathon...I would love to but I don't think i can get there by the end of July.  i am up to walking about 2 miles which I easily could do more but my back yells at 

me in the evenings if I do.   

But....11 pounds it is...just in case you were wondering!!  

Yippee!!!

and yes I am smiling!!

The best quote of the day ...

"Mom? "

What Grant...

"I love you"

Could that be any sweeter coming from a little 3 year old as he hugs your leg!

I am lucky to get to hear that everyday!

I love my Grant right back!

It is one of those days....

It is just one of those days....although the sun is shining...the shade sems to be over our house.   Kids are hot and cold today.  one minute bickering and the next best buds.  I am wondering if they will ever be thankful they came from a large family.  I hope my dreams haven't mess theirs up.

As you can tell...kim is in a downer mode.

I have beein living in cronic back pain and after weeks of that the morale goes down rignt along with patience.

I don't want days like this....its a constant battle.  I get tired

Don't get me wrong...I love my life and my kiddos.

I just get tired.

and you would think the kids would fight elsewhere...but no  right on my side..loud and clear.

I have dealing with chronic, severe back pain now for over 1 month...outta control...and this make me so I can't cope with it all. The super-woman...super-mom do it all just can't do it!

I just want to be normal....feel normal and have my normal patience level....God is telling me to slow down...I know that and I have finally taken steps to do so.  I miss work....doubt they miss me...but it was a must to focus on me and get me back to the place it needs to be.

So...today is a day that is real...no fancy sharades...just real.  

Being real...being honest!

Tomorrow...a new day...another day to focus on my blessings and thanking the Lord for giving me what I have.

I have a lot...i just want to be able to focus on them!!

New words......

 

So Delaney is exploding lately with new vocabulary so I just have to share:

Tractor  (of course what else)

Outside

Hi (said with much expression!!)

Ouch

Momma ...mom...mommeeeee!!!   (over and over til I respond)

Julia...(hollers it....)

"Gingerrrrrrr"

It is soo much fun to hear her use her voice and it is all said with much animation and expression!   The daily joys of being Delaney's mom!!

Wow....

Oh ...how I love this little girl and all that she has given me!!

A dream of mine for many years....came true!

Everyday with her is special...her smiles...her kisses...her babbling!

I love her so!

Just sayin'......

Peaceful...

There is something special about when the cows come back to the Holen Farm...the kids love it...

and I find myself stopping and just watching...they are so relaxed and look so 

peaceful as they graze or just simply soak up the sun.

The calf is never go to far from their mom...and believe me the momma knows

just where their baby is! 

Our newest little calf...only 59 pounds...black heifer!!

So little by little in the next week or so our cows will be coming back home.

They spend their winters over at another farmers place that is more

equipped to handle them during the winter months than our little hobby farm

 

The momma to little one....so peaceful to watch!

So stop...take a peek...and enjoy their relaxed nature...they appear to have no worries in the world.

Nothing that is pressing them to keep moving...just slowly navigating through the pasture..eating...soaking up the warmth of the sun...and sleeping.   Perhaps we could learn from them.

Life and its' simplicity ....we just need to focus on that!

LITTLE THINGS!

I was reading my daily blogs and THIS one caught my eye today.

So I decided that although I try to always notice the little things...today I am going to devote to taking the time to NOTICE and ENJOY these moments and not let them slip on by.

I have always felt that it is the little things that are the BIG things in our lives.

So here are my top 10...

1.  Grant running to my leg and giving me a soft hug...just to let me know he is there with me.

2.  Marcus AND Grant randomly saying  "I love you mommy".   And they do say this many times through out the day all on their own!!  I love it!

3.  Delaney softly putting her head on my shoulder.

4.  The sun shining in our kitchen...warming my feet as I stand and look outside.

5.  Kids dressed and clean faces by noon!!  =)

6.  The dogs..all 3...yes 3...napping on the deck,

7. The sound of laundry being processed!

8.  My daily mid-morning call from Doug checking in on our day.

9.  Watching the flags blow in the breeze.

10.   Being home...all day...with my kids.

What are your top 10 for the day?

Care to share?

Wordless Wednesdays!

Ditto!!!!

So here it is ...a gloomy Tuesday evening and I am alone...well kinda alone...Delaney and Grant are near by and I sit to spend some time reading my devotions and my blogs that uplift me...and I come across to this post !!  It was exactly how I would describe my evening!

I just don't have enough guts to speak it out loud!

I am still in my "icky" attitude...can't shake it quite yet.   There are days where my intentions are sooo good...soo honest...yet things...words...viewpoints get twisted and somehow at the end of the conversation with my better half...(yes...sarcasm there)  I end up being the bad one...the one that should have done differently.   I feel like I am a child...and my husband is my parent many days!!

It is one of those things that can spiral me down to my moments of anxiety...depression and just pure self defeat!

I HATE feeling this way...I get mad at myself for allowing myself to feel this way as well.

Why can't I have enough inner strength...belief in my true self to let things bounce off me instead of sticking to me like super glue and festering...fester..fester some more!!

So thank you to my friend for saying it like it is and letting me see that I am not alone and not every marriage is perfect all the time!!  It made me feel more normal...now I need to just cheer up and find a way to shake my hurt feelings...and perhaps own up to what I contributed as well to the discussion that went sour way too fast!

Easter ~2011~

So another Holen gathering took place for Easter weekend.

Lots of food...laughs...and kids...I said lots of kids running around!

In this photo after the big egg hunt are 15 of the 16 grandchildren.  There are 4 boys plus the 1 girl missing and that makes 11 boys...yes 11 boys all under the age of 12!! 

The noise...the running...the laughing is pretty much non-stop!

It usually begins about Saturday around noon and ends about 24 hours later!

Lets just say after it is all said and done...we adults NEED ONE NAP!!

The men and a few of the gals enjoy some poker at nite out in our shop...I stay inside to make sure kids are tended too.  That seems to be my job...or at least I feel I should since most of the little ones belong to me.

I also just tend to isolate myself so its easier to go to bed.

But...we had fun again this year.  Delaney got her first experience looking for eggs.

Loved watching that!!

Doesn't seem though we are passing the true meaning to our kids of what Easter really means.  So usually before the gathering begins we do a gentle reminder that it is truly about the gift that has been given to us!

Just like this gift of 16 healthy children full of open hearts and beliefs of what is dear to them!

SAHM

I don't really know how to do it..if I should do it...but I want to!

I want to be that Stay at home mom!  (SAHM)

I love my job though too.  I just think that right now my job is to be at home...

I look at Delaney and she will be 2 already in September.  How can this be?

In 2-3 years she will be in school already.   That is such a short amount of time that I want to be home for all of it.  

I am not one of those that can just jump right into something or give something up without serious thought....research!  I don't want to totally leave the work scene....just perhaps not as much.

Then the internal dialogue starts of what perhaps others may say..."well...you only work 5 shift every 2 weeks...that is nothing."  Well mind you that usually 3 of those are nite shifts which essentially robs me of about 6 days because of the recovery time after doing them.  

or..."you can do it...there are people that work way more than that and juggle it all".

I just don't want to juggle it all anymore...I keep waiting for God to tell me it is okay.. that he will provide.  He will give me peace about it and tell me it is okay to do this.

I don't think it will happen anytime soon...but any financial ideas to be able to do it would be a blessing.  We don't drive fancy cars...we don't buy a lot of "new " things...we live on 2nd hand or used clothing and we cut back many areas of our lives.  I would give up more too....

I am tired...tired of nite shifts that rob me of my energy, contribute to my depression, and cause me to have sadness.  I want to be present ...in everyday...but yet have work as an option if my home allows it.  

SAHM's out there....how do you do it?

I wish..

I wish that I could be a stay at home mom many days.

I wish that my back didn't hurt everyday to the point of tears at times.

I wish that the sun would shine today.

I wish that I could quit working nites...because the physical symptoms and price I am paying is at time un-bearable!

I wish that my kids keep bringing smile to me everyday the way that they do.

I wish that everyone would be in the moment and thankful for what they have.

I wish that I could stop the negative views that many people have.

I can keep wishing...keep praying...but for now I am thankful for what I have...what I have been given...and the breath that fills my lungs each second!

What do you wish for?

 

It is not always easy...

The day starts out normal..slow sleepy eyes...feet dragging and boys coming to my side for hugs...

The dad is busy getting ready for his day along with kids waiting for their drive to school with dad.  They appear fine...then one or two of them find some little thing to pout about...and I mean LITTLE THING!!

Then I know...well here goes this morning down the drain.

I know that the phone will ring after the dad has dropped the kids off at school and will be down in the dumps about the lack of respect of our children.

I can't fix it....I try and support him when he calls but the pleaser in me then

feels down too because I can't fix things all the time....so now we have two parents down in the dumps.

I am trying to figure out is this "I want to sit in the front"   and "why can't we get there earlier" attitude and comments are normal behavior for kids or are we reading more into it.   Is it a reflection of our parenting that makes our kids EXPECT things vs be THANKFUL for what they have?  Is it ATTENTION seeking behavior?   I don't know.   All I know is that after talking to the Dad...I am sad.  I wish life was perfect...I always feel responsible for making everyone happy...but I think we need to also not give these kids attention when they behave or spout off the way they do...maybe just maybe when they see they get no response or attention from it...they may stop.

All I know is that today....their behavior just earned them a ticket to ride the bus now every morning.  Except Marcus...his older brothers spend so much time bickering and sassing off as they drive down the road...that the Dad feels robbed of just this sweet 5 year old that wants to TALK just TALK with his daddy!   I remember when the older boys used to want to TALK too....now it seems like it is just WANTS!!   What can I get?  Why didn't I get it?

Arghhhh...parenting is exhausting and at times feels so self defeating.

I turn it over to God...hopefully he will give the DAD some strength today and some hope that things are okay...

So....I am just saying this large family living isn't always easy....but I don't think I ever let anyone think it was....it is just what we do!

 

Wordless Wednesdays!

New Seasons

New seasons...spring has sprung for us all.

We all have new seasons.

For me this new season is not just the visible changes outside but also changes within me.

In December I had a hysterectomy ending my time as a woman that can reproduce.

It was a difficult decision to make...still at times a difficult decision to wrap my head around but most days I am okay with it and have accepted it.

I don't know why but the desire to have more children in our lives is ALWAYS there.

It is always within my soul to embace the idea of having more...then I wonder what is wrong with me?   I will be honest...some days I am sooo totally consumed and overwhelmed with the 7 wonderful kids i have that I wonder where does this desire to have more come from?

I don't know if I will ever know.

Now...on to the next thought.  Making this decision to be "done" was hard yet at the same time acceptable because I knew that both Doug and I would love to do foster care at some point.

I would love the gift of being able to give to a little one a safe, loving, and full of energy home.

But how does one begin that process?   It isn't something I want to just dive into...I need to research and find out more about what it all means.

This is where I want you to help me.  Does anyone know the process of starting or looking into how the fostering world works?

So with New Seasons...also comes some New ideas...and New beginnings.

I think my love for my family and where we live makes me just want to share it with a little one that perhaps just doesn't have that due to circumstances way out of their control.  So I look at this new road we are going down too as a gift.  A gift to give and a gift that we are open to it.

Hugs!!

I love seeing the love between two sisters!

I don't get it....

I just don't get it....why can't I sleep?

My body is soo tired but here I sit at nearly 2:30am writing an entry on my blog because

I just simply can't sleep.   My eyes shut....but my mind keeps going.  It has been going on for a few weeks now.  Most of the time I attribute it to the nite shifts ...but I have been off.  So why then?

Is it my anxiety manifesting itself in another way?   It is my chronic backpain that has frustrated me to the point that I can't sleep?

Lots of questions...no answers.  I am okay with no answers.   Remember my word for the year is "FAITH"...so that is what I am having so that I can just roll with this and realize that there is a plan for me.

That is the hard part about faith....you don't get any answers right away...you gotta hang on and trust that the answers will my way ...as far as when that is a good question.