Wow....

Oh ...how I love this little girl and all that she has given me!!

A dream of mine for many years....came true!

Everyday with her is special...her smiles...her kisses...her babbling!

I love her so!

Just sayin'......

Peaceful...

There is something special about when the cows come back to the Holen Farm...the kids love it...

and I find myself stopping and just watching...they are so relaxed and look so 

peaceful as they graze or just simply soak up the sun.

The calf is never go to far from their mom...and believe me the momma knows

just where their baby is! 

Our newest little calf...only 59 pounds...black heifer!!

So little by little in the next week or so our cows will be coming back home.

They spend their winters over at another farmers place that is more

equipped to handle them during the winter months than our little hobby farm

 

The momma to little one....so peaceful to watch!

So stop...take a peek...and enjoy their relaxed nature...they appear to have no worries in the world.

Nothing that is pressing them to keep moving...just slowly navigating through the pasture..eating...soaking up the warmth of the sun...and sleeping.   Perhaps we could learn from them.

Life and its' simplicity ....we just need to focus on that!

LITTLE THINGS!

I was reading my daily blogs and THIS one caught my eye today.

So I decided that although I try to always notice the little things...today I am going to devote to taking the time to NOTICE and ENJOY these moments and not let them slip on by.

I have always felt that it is the little things that are the BIG things in our lives.

So here are my top 10...

1.  Grant running to my leg and giving me a soft hug...just to let me know he is there with me.

2.  Marcus AND Grant randomly saying  "I love you mommy".   And they do say this many times through out the day all on their own!!  I love it!

3.  Delaney softly putting her head on my shoulder.

4.  The sun shining in our kitchen...warming my feet as I stand and look outside.

5.  Kids dressed and clean faces by noon!!  =)

6.  The dogs..all 3...yes 3...napping on the deck,

7. The sound of laundry being processed!

8.  My daily mid-morning call from Doug checking in on our day.

9.  Watching the flags blow in the breeze.

10.   Being home...all day...with my kids.

What are your top 10 for the day?

Care to share?

Wordless Wednesdays!

Ditto!!!!

So here it is ...a gloomy Tuesday evening and I am alone...well kinda alone...Delaney and Grant are near by and I sit to spend some time reading my devotions and my blogs that uplift me...and I come across to this post !!  It was exactly how I would describe my evening!

I just don't have enough guts to speak it out loud!

I am still in my "icky" attitude...can't shake it quite yet.   There are days where my intentions are sooo good...soo honest...yet things...words...viewpoints get twisted and somehow at the end of the conversation with my better half...(yes...sarcasm there)  I end up being the bad one...the one that should have done differently.   I feel like I am a child...and my husband is my parent many days!!

It is one of those things that can spiral me down to my moments of anxiety...depression and just pure self defeat!

I HATE feeling this way...I get mad at myself for allowing myself to feel this way as well.

Why can't I have enough inner strength...belief in my true self to let things bounce off me instead of sticking to me like super glue and festering...fester..fester some more!!

So thank you to my friend for saying it like it is and letting me see that I am not alone and not every marriage is perfect all the time!!  It made me feel more normal...now I need to just cheer up and find a way to shake my hurt feelings...and perhaps own up to what I contributed as well to the discussion that went sour way too fast!

Easter ~2011~

So another Holen gathering took place for Easter weekend.

Lots of food...laughs...and kids...I said lots of kids running around!

In this photo after the big egg hunt are 15 of the 16 grandchildren.  There are 4 boys plus the 1 girl missing and that makes 11 boys...yes 11 boys all under the age of 12!! 

The noise...the running...the laughing is pretty much non-stop!

It usually begins about Saturday around noon and ends about 24 hours later!

Lets just say after it is all said and done...we adults NEED ONE NAP!!

The men and a few of the gals enjoy some poker at nite out in our shop...I stay inside to make sure kids are tended too.  That seems to be my job...or at least I feel I should since most of the little ones belong to me.

I also just tend to isolate myself so its easier to go to bed.

But...we had fun again this year.  Delaney got her first experience looking for eggs.

Loved watching that!!

Doesn't seem though we are passing the true meaning to our kids of what Easter really means.  So usually before the gathering begins we do a gentle reminder that it is truly about the gift that has been given to us!

Just like this gift of 16 healthy children full of open hearts and beliefs of what is dear to them!

SAHM

I don't really know how to do it..if I should do it...but I want to!

I want to be that Stay at home mom!  (SAHM)

I love my job though too.  I just think that right now my job is to be at home...

I look at Delaney and she will be 2 already in September.  How can this be?

In 2-3 years she will be in school already.   That is such a short amount of time that I want to be home for all of it.  

I am not one of those that can just jump right into something or give something up without serious thought....research!  I don't want to totally leave the work scene....just perhaps not as much.

Then the internal dialogue starts of what perhaps others may say..."well...you only work 5 shift every 2 weeks...that is nothing."  Well mind you that usually 3 of those are nite shifts which essentially robs me of about 6 days because of the recovery time after doing them.  

or..."you can do it...there are people that work way more than that and juggle it all".

I just don't want to juggle it all anymore...I keep waiting for God to tell me it is okay.. that he will provide.  He will give me peace about it and tell me it is okay to do this.

I don't think it will happen anytime soon...but any financial ideas to be able to do it would be a blessing.  We don't drive fancy cars...we don't buy a lot of "new " things...we live on 2nd hand or used clothing and we cut back many areas of our lives.  I would give up more too....

I am tired...tired of nite shifts that rob me of my energy, contribute to my depression, and cause me to have sadness.  I want to be present ...in everyday...but yet have work as an option if my home allows it.  

SAHM's out there....how do you do it?

I wish..

I wish that I could be a stay at home mom many days.

I wish that my back didn't hurt everyday to the point of tears at times.

I wish that the sun would shine today.

I wish that I could quit working nites...because the physical symptoms and price I am paying is at time un-bearable!

I wish that my kids keep bringing smile to me everyday the way that they do.

I wish that everyone would be in the moment and thankful for what they have.

I wish that I could stop the negative views that many people have.

I can keep wishing...keep praying...but for now I am thankful for what I have...what I have been given...and the breath that fills my lungs each second!

What do you wish for?

 

It is not always easy...

The day starts out normal..slow sleepy eyes...feet dragging and boys coming to my side for hugs...

The dad is busy getting ready for his day along with kids waiting for their drive to school with dad.  They appear fine...then one or two of them find some little thing to pout about...and I mean LITTLE THING!!

Then I know...well here goes this morning down the drain.

I know that the phone will ring after the dad has dropped the kids off at school and will be down in the dumps about the lack of respect of our children.

I can't fix it....I try and support him when he calls but the pleaser in me then

feels down too because I can't fix things all the time....so now we have two parents down in the dumps.

I am trying to figure out is this "I want to sit in the front"   and "why can't we get there earlier" attitude and comments are normal behavior for kids or are we reading more into it.   Is it a reflection of our parenting that makes our kids EXPECT things vs be THANKFUL for what they have?  Is it ATTENTION seeking behavior?   I don't know.   All I know is that after talking to the Dad...I am sad.  I wish life was perfect...I always feel responsible for making everyone happy...but I think we need to also not give these kids attention when they behave or spout off the way they do...maybe just maybe when they see they get no response or attention from it...they may stop.

All I know is that today....their behavior just earned them a ticket to ride the bus now every morning.  Except Marcus...his older brothers spend so much time bickering and sassing off as they drive down the road...that the Dad feels robbed of just this sweet 5 year old that wants to TALK just TALK with his daddy!   I remember when the older boys used to want to TALK too....now it seems like it is just WANTS!!   What can I get?  Why didn't I get it?

Arghhhh...parenting is exhausting and at times feels so self defeating.

I turn it over to God...hopefully he will give the DAD some strength today and some hope that things are okay...

So....I am just saying this large family living isn't always easy....but I don't think I ever let anyone think it was....it is just what we do!

 

Wordless Wednesdays!

New Seasons

New seasons...spring has sprung for us all.

We all have new seasons.

For me this new season is not just the visible changes outside but also changes within me.

In December I had a hysterectomy ending my time as a woman that can reproduce.

It was a difficult decision to make...still at times a difficult decision to wrap my head around but most days I am okay with it and have accepted it.

I don't know why but the desire to have more children in our lives is ALWAYS there.

It is always within my soul to embace the idea of having more...then I wonder what is wrong with me?   I will be honest...some days I am sooo totally consumed and overwhelmed with the 7 wonderful kids i have that I wonder where does this desire to have more come from?

I don't know if I will ever know.

Now...on to the next thought.  Making this decision to be "done" was hard yet at the same time acceptable because I knew that both Doug and I would love to do foster care at some point.

I would love the gift of being able to give to a little one a safe, loving, and full of energy home.

But how does one begin that process?   It isn't something I want to just dive into...I need to research and find out more about what it all means.

This is where I want you to help me.  Does anyone know the process of starting or looking into how the fostering world works?

So with New Seasons...also comes some New ideas...and New beginnings.

I think my love for my family and where we live makes me just want to share it with a little one that perhaps just doesn't have that due to circumstances way out of their control.  So I look at this new road we are going down too as a gift.  A gift to give and a gift that we are open to it.

Hugs!!

I love seeing the love between two sisters!

I don't get it....

I just don't get it....why can't I sleep?

My body is soo tired but here I sit at nearly 2:30am writing an entry on my blog because

I just simply can't sleep.   My eyes shut....but my mind keeps going.  It has been going on for a few weeks now.  Most of the time I attribute it to the nite shifts ...but I have been off.  So why then?

Is it my anxiety manifesting itself in another way?   It is my chronic backpain that has frustrated me to the point that I can't sleep?

Lots of questions...no answers.  I am okay with no answers.   Remember my word for the year is "FAITH"...so that is what I am having so that I can just roll with this and realize that there is a plan for me.

That is the hard part about faith....you don't get any answers right away...you gotta hang on and trust that the answers will my way ...as far as when that is a good question.

8 years ago...

Mathias Lee Holen...my 4th child arrived into our lives at 6:18pm.  I was 33 years old and finishing my RN degree.  I remember the morning...running late of course and heading to OB to be induced due to his size.

I was 38 weeks...it was a Friday and I had to quick turn in a paper at the college prior to being induced...hence running late!!    I didn't know he was a boy...couldn't believe the pregnancy was over because it went fast due to being a student again...and raising 3 children and working too.  He came quickly....I had no drugs...did it on my own..but I was out of control in pain and now looking back know I was a psycho woman in pain...I did it in one fast quick push...because when he decided it was his debut time...he wasn't kidding!!  The poor boy had a bruised head that made him look rather tough the first couple days.  A big boy he was ...8 pounds 12 ounces and 21 inches long!  He had his own look and we were soo happy that James now would have a brother!  As the years have passed he has kept us hopping with his non-stop "getting into things"  that still at the age of 8 has not out-grown.  He loves to pester anyone near him but also has the biggest heart when he decides to show it.

His love for farming is deep in his soul.  He watches...and absorbs everything his dad does on our little hobby farm.  He lives for John Deere and will play tractors for hours.  He now as he ages...wants to play on the "real" tractors!   Once again...that desire to get into things shows itself.  He is our one child that has the most persistence to ride that lawn mower than any other one!!

 

Mathias is also a deep thinker...he ponders over many things...asks lots of questions and makes us think ourselves.  He is amazed at how things in life turn out and wonders why many times. He wonders why things are the way they are in the world.  Both good and bad.  He wonders about what he will become as an adult and he also wonders how many cows and tractors he will have on his own farm someday!  =)

He has a love for his family...his brothers especially!  It is obvious with every moment of pestering he does and every hug he gives them each day!!  He loves his family.  

Thank you Mathias for being you and bringing such joy to our lives.  I hope you know deep within yourself how much you mean to me.  Happy birthday!!

A new day...

It is a new day from my almost melt down yesterday...but I have one word...

FATIGUE!!

I am soo tired today I can barely keep my eyes open.   I haven't been able to sleep well all week.  So afer 4 nites of poor sleep..nap is a MUST tayl  

ZZZzzzzz....

Well that is what you get ....

Okay...so this week I am all alone trying to run this household of 8...7 children plus me!!

Doug is in Mexico...I am in Minnesota.  That is a lot of miles between parents leaving me to make lots of decisions...directing of traffic...and making things go smoothly.

Well...I don't think I ask too much from my children.

Be respectful to me...and to each other.

Clean up after yourselves after you eat.

Clean up at the end of the day whatever you have played with or had a part of playing with.

Help with animal chores.

Go to bed when you are supposed to.

oh..and did I say do this with respectful attitudes?

Well...for some reason...it didn't go that way today.

I don't like that.

I think I want it always to be harmony...happiness....appreciation..and it just wasn't that way.

Kids wanted things...wanted no part in picking up ...wanted more things done for them...and with sarcasm and a tone that I got no feeling that there was any respect going on.

So...this momma got tired...impatient...overwhelmed...sad...and more impatient which led to crabbiness!!

I hate when I get crabby...because it is a ticket for me to beat myself up.

It all ended up fine...tuck in for the boys was nice because I NEVER let days end with sadness or madness.  There were hugs and eventually prior to that they all pitched in and helped.

But what hit me the hardest this evening was when I told my 12 year old to go and put the puppies away...for the 2nd time...he was irritated because he had to get up off the computer...go outside...so as he mumbled to himself out the door I promptly asked him to speak up and he sassed some more...and I quickly said that this mom needs help around here...and there are messes everywhere and he said "WELL, THAT IS WHAT YOU GET when you have 7 kids!"    I cringed ...I hate that comment and I don't hate many things in my life.  I have heard that from sooo many people that when it came out of the mouth of one of my own.....it hurt...it made me want to EXPLODE!!   I didn't though...I refrained and simply responded that that is why indeed this house should be well kept...because there are 7 children that CAN help!!

So...now that I have gotten that off my chest..I am going to enjoy this quiet time after all have settled in their beds and be me...alone...with my thoughts and be thankful that yes I do have 7 children and hope that tomorrow their appreciative sides shine a bit brighter than what they did today!!

My one word....

 FAITH

To trust, with question, God's direction for my life, and to give Him the reigns and allow Him to lead me. 

 My word for 2011....still workin on it!

I know I will always be a work in progress.

It is hard...hard a lot of days to have the faith.

My mind takes over and the internal dialogue just keeps going and going and going...

But...I am trying!   Something I don't think I really was committed to doing before.

I want and need my life to be filled with more faith!

Faith brings me peace...internal rest...and a sense of being actively a part of improving myself..and not depending on other people's actions and words to do it.

I love the word...doesn't just have a nice smooth way about it?

It is free for the taking for anyone...all the time...morning or nite.

I need faith!

I struggle daily with so many emotional things...and not until recently have the struggles become showing itself in my physical well being.

But if I keep working on Faith...faith that the higher being will show me the way...make things fall into place and that life will be what it is supposed to be..I will be okay.  I will be content in my own skin and I will love myself enough to be able to love others just as much!

Oh believe me I know how to give....give some more and even when I feel depleted I give more. But with faith I will be reassured that I will give to myself first and not become depleted!

So please...I ask that you have some faith in me ...as I too try to have faith!

Surrounding myself in people and environments that allow me to work on my faith is what I need!

So here is to 2011...my one word...and Faith that it can be done!

18 years ago....

I can't believe that 18 years ago I got married.

Douglas Lee Holen and I...got hitched!!

It was a beautiful spring day...and of course just a few days prior we had gotten snow so i was really nervous about how our day was gonna be...but warm temps and all sun was what it was!!

We got married in Faribault MN, my hometown in the church I was confirmed in and married by Pastor Dan Nordin who held a special place in my heart.

We had all our good friends in our wedding and what a good day it was!

We were both 23 at the time...young...loving life and happy!

We had dated for almost 15 months and then engaged for another 15 months before we got married.

We met at the Univ of MN in a chemistry class of 500 plus people.  He always sat near me and stared...yep he won't admit it but he did!!  =)

Then he followed me to the bustop one day...he followed me I said...he will argue and say I followed him but that is just not the case!!  We started talking and never quit.

We have lived in MN, AZ and Montana twice and back to MN in 2000. 

We have had 2 miscarriages together....and 7 healthy children together!

We live in the wide open spaces of the country and love our life.

We didn't buy our first house til we were 30 and now we live in our 2nd house which will be ours forever.

We have had many ups and downs...learning to love each other for who they are...facing our disagreements head on and not running....because being newly married and in Montana which was 18 hours from home...the only thing we COULD do was stare at each other and work it out!

What a blessing living away for 7 years was.  Although we missed our family greatly...it gave our new family such a strong base!! 

So today...as Doug flies to Central Mexico on business...I wish him a Happy Anniversary and can not believe HOW FAST these 18 years have gone...we have learned a lot and loved a lot!

My life is better because he is mine...and what he has given me!



Hurry up Spring!

Please Spring hurry up...I need to smell Lilacs!

 

The 3 Amigos!

Griffin,  Ginger, and Gracie!  Loving life on our deck! It is my daily view that I am thankful everyday .

 

They sit all day....play all day...and watch us inside walk around...listen to kiddos laugh, cry..and run around as well!   They must wonder what kind of zoo they are a part of!

Dogs are a passion of mine.   At the age of 3 I would disappear to the neighbors house and crawl into their dogs' house and hid and of course the dog would follow right behind me and protect me from MY OWN MOTHER!!   Teeth showing, growling to keep me safe..as a mom now I know my mom must have been peeing her pants in fear!!  But I never had fear of them.  I loved them then...and I love them now.   Since I have been having babies for the last 16 years I haven't had much time for my passions.   So now as these puppies grow..I will start to enjoy my passion again.   Obedience trials, classes here we come as soon as this snow goes away!   I can't wait!

I really want to bring this love of mine back in the front of my life right beside my kids and hopefully they too can have a love for these doggies of ours..which I know they already do ..but little do they know how smart we can actually help them to become and how obedient.