I am a trying...

Well I am a trying....trying to get it together...my mind and actions that is!!  I have been overwhelmed lately...actually overwhelmed...overstimulated and just plain over-everything!!  I don't want to be this way but I think something is "missing".  Last week my two college girlfriends along with their combined 7 kids came to visit me.  It was wonderful to see them.  It had been over 3 years since I had seen them.  I never am able to sneak away to their gatherings or occasions so they packed up and traveled close to 6 hours to see me!!   

They are special people in my life and honestly I have neglected them by not communicating the way I should but you would never know that.  We can pick up where we left off as if no time has gone by.  LOVE THAT ABOUT THEM!!   Well...anyways   I have been struggling lately...with my internal dialogue and just keeping this house in motion without me being a crabby mom that can't handle more than one voice at a time or else so consumed by my anxiety that I can't even hear that one voice.  Its not fair to me, to my hubby, and my kids so I am working on "me".  That is what I am trying to do.  My friend Lana...kept speaking here and there mixed in her stories and memories of her daily devotions and her faith.  Of course I have faith...always have but just have always remained quiet about it.  I am not a vocal person about that although you get me started on what really matters in this world...I will chat your ear off.  Anyways...I was drawn to what she had to share.  We talked a lot.   A lot about faith, patience, raising spiritual and healthy children.  It was such a blessing to ME to have her here to visit.  So.... she mentioned Hearts At Home...a seminar she went to.  I signed up the day they left and I AM GOING!!   It isn't til November but I am sooo excited.  I even went to the library last eve and checked out some books.  Lisa Welchel's "Put the Me back in Mommy".   Lana told me about that one too.  Love it so far.  She also introduced me to the daily devotions she gets by email and how it relates to busy family lives.  LOVE that too!!  

So perhaps with some time and maybe just 10 minutes a day for me to try and focus on the "mom", I can be better at what I do.  I just feel like I am failing...failing as a mom, wife and failing myself.  Does anyone else ever feel this way?  It's exhausting...give and give but I have forgotten to GIVE to myself!  So I just think it is so neat how things fall into place...friends visiting, me struggling, and friends leading me to where I wanted to go but just didn't know it!!  Life is good...I just need to remember to sit back and feel that!!

What up with dat???

Okay...sooo this has been a long time waiting to get this blog thing back on track...and me back on track..   I am tired...tired...and did I say tired?   I love my large family, large farm, large everything but its taking its toll...does anyone else ever feel this way?   I just can not keep up and this organization goal of mine seems to be for the birds cuz its sure not panning out for my kids.

I think my anxiety level is at its highest...nope I am not a super mom....super women...super anything really...just me who gives and give a little more in all honesty just to get perhaps a little glimpse of feeling respected...appreciated...but that just doesn't seem to be the theme around this holen house.  The mom is trying...treading water....keeping my head above water, but i feel like I am sinking.   Any tips out there to try and get myself re-centered.  I have these great ideas and dreams of how I think this busy house should run...but it only does for a day or two and then i am back to square one and my anxiety on high again.  I know...blah blah blah...poor Kim....truly...I am not looking for any sympathy... just perhaps someone to "get it"  get what I am going through and offer just perhaps a tap on the shoulder or a word or two of support.  I feel abnormal and lately internally exhausted.  

I love my family...I love what they bring to my life...I just am trying to find something that I think is missing...faith perhaps and the feeling that I am worth it...and what I want in this family is a good thing. 

oh... a tough one...

Well...today a bit of a difficult one.  Had to see Doug off at the airport headed to Russia.  What an exciting experience for him...bu a lot harder on me to say goodbye than I had thought.  I worry about everything and going from about 5 phone calls a day back and forth typically...to perhaps and email daily from his will be a change.   Lets just see how this week goes.  I will do my best...challange my patience and try just try to be positive.

Isn't this the way its supposed to be?

Hello....smile....and perhaps a hug to follow.  That is how the day begins for me with my supersweet Marcus.

He was soo happy this day because mom and baby Delaney were able to come out too and play and enjoy the warm weather.  So many days I catch myself staying in the house because my to do list is endless and then I remember that I will never get another moment like these to enjoy with my kids...so today I paused and decided to go be by them and enjoy!!  A moment to stop and breathe and just watch these kids be who they are...no worries..happy...and innocence to no end.  Can you remember the last time you felt that way?

Regrets?

W

Family is everything to me...I don't  think that is a big secret to anyone that knows me.  I recently traveled over 6 hours to a funeral of my uncle who I grew up around as a child.  Those were the days that we all still got together for holidays...annual summer reunions...just visits...but as life changed  and kids grew up the visits now are pretty much limited to weddings and funerals.  Rather sobering thought.  It was nice to visit and get caught up with the cousins and my aunt Mary Ann who is now going to struggle living alone..without Ed.  I looked around and realized what a close family they are in their own way...just as we are in ours.  They are just seperate.  I miss those days of visiting and catching up.  I was saddened that my parents couldn't come.  My dad is struggling so it was not a good idea for him to travel that far.  I missed them being there because then perhaps for a moment it might have felt like the old times.  Although...people have passed on and some did not make it.

So as I continue to think about how much family means to me....and recently attending this funeral...I wonder why some just don't get it?   Why doesn't everyone realize that each day is a gift...a pleasure that may be taken at any moment?  I know I have spoken of my sister and her desire to cut me out of her life...I just can't get why she thinks her choice is a good one.   Won't she regret not knowing my 7 children...she hasn't even met Delaney.  Won't she regret missing out on the family gatherings?  Because right now any gathering we may have is done seperate from her and her spouse Jimmy.  I know that in her mind she feels she is right.   But she is not in a "right" place right now in my opinion.  An abusive, verbally and emotionally spouse has changed her and has isolated her from all of us.  We miss the Sandi that once was around.  I struggle ...I struggle daily with the choice she has made.  So what is the meaning of family to some?  Perhaps a spouse alone is enough...to me...it is the center of my soul...my life...my dreams.  I can not imagine looking around and having noone to call my own.

The 6 hour drive was a blessing....a time to reflect...listen to the chatter of my Grant...spending time with my sister-n-law Pam driving...and having a few jokes and talking with my brother.  I think of my aunt...my cousins...who now do not have a father... I listened to them share stories of pride, happiness and the lessons they learned from their dad...their family.  I bet they have no regrets....what do you say to someone after its too late...do you forgive...or let go now and move on?   Each day...I look at the path I am led down and am thankful and find peace knowing I am trying...at least trying ...to be thankful for my family and do the best I can to not live with the fear of regrets.

Chubby hand...chubby feet

Love the hands, hands, fingers, toes!! 

Delaney's first fountain doo!!!

What fun I had today..after Delaney's bath I played a bit with her growing hair and gave her a nice first time "fountain".  It brings back soo many memories because when her big sisters were little that was a daily task...putting in their fountains so they could play and have their hair off their face!!  This girl is soo much fun!!  I just had to share this big moment with everyone!!
Isn't it funny how such a little thing makes me just giggle inside?  She thought I was a bit goofy pulling on her hair and big brother Marcus just kept telling me to "take that out mommy".   He has to get used to this girly stuff!!  Little does he know there will be many years of it! 

My Dad

So this is my dad....taken probably over a year ago...before his life changed...He is 79 years old but acts as though he is 55.  He love to hunt...fish...trap...and loves dogs!!  He is a gentle, honest, hard working man who has the warmest heart I know.  His head is clear, his heart is warm but he was told about a year ago now...that his body is sick.  He was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma.  Cancer...how do you handle that kind of blow....a year ago now he was in and out of the hospital...2 fractured vertebrae  (from the cancer) and weak....confused from pain meds...and a different dad than I ever had seen.  Confused...tired...scared....but yet the same...positive...committed and determined to beat this.  So to Rochester we headed and now after a year of Oral chemo...he is amazing!!  It actually only took about 3 months for him to get back to somewhat of himself.  He just got done with his annual work up at Rochester and we await the bone scan and marrow biopsy but his labs are AWESOME!!  Way to go dad!!  He is walking almost 2 miles a day and is on the go all the time...what a blessing!!
       My dad has more wisdom than anyone that I know....he has taught me so many lessons...and has taught me to look at the positive side of things and not to worry about what we can not control.  That one I still continue to practice on.
       So Dad...this post is for you....your strength and determination is amazing!!

Mr. G!!

So this is our Mr. Grant...or G we call him.  He is going to be 3 this July.  He is a busy , blue eyed boy!  What else could he be?  He can brighten my day with his simple leg hugs....crawling on my lap....and just being him.  I have found that his energy level and also noise level has risen a lot in the last 6 months...Do you think its from his brothers?

A day in the life of G is ...his blanket..hugs from mom....spongebob ...more hugs from mom...running outside but staying as far away as possible from the cows....tooo scary for him...but loves the chickens!  He is a wonderful napper....I love our quiet afternoons.   He is a great big brother now to Delaney... He loves her so.  At times its a bit of invading her space but at least its love huh?

How come they grow up so fast?  I still remember him being the baby...now he just seems soo big already!!  I wish that I had it me to start and end each day with a smile the way he does!!  Aren't 2 year olds the most amazing little things?

Overwhelmed....

Overwhelmed is the theme for today....I can't shake it.  Its consuming me today.   Bills....kids....life....organizing...its all on my mind and shoulders today.  I have got to step back and take a deep breath....look around...it will be okay right?  I try to stay sooo on top of things and then BAM....whamo....slap....another hurdle.  I love my life ...just having a hard day...need some extra tlc and perhaps just a hug...I think my kids can give me that tonite before I shut my eyes.  7 hugs would be nice for any mom right?  I am hoping the theme for tomorrow is peace.  Peace within my mind and soul.  I need that.  Most days are peace...but today...I guess I am just a little off track!

I know this is just my nature...I have always since I was a kid...worried...fretted about the unknown...and the what ifs...I don't know where it stems from...perhaps someday I can figure it all out.  We all have our issues.  today they are just really showing up.  Its a bit of a downer...I struggle with downer days.  Wish I didn't have to but I do.  Its me...whether I like me or not...its me!

Isn't this the truth?

     I read this post and it felt as if it was me writing it.   It says it all...it made me feel normal...human...and that it is okay to feel the way I do some days!!  It is funny how you can have all of these feelings and all of a sudden somehow something sends it into your life...like its supposed to show up at that time to give you strength...faith...and a feeling of peace just when you need it.  Isn't it amazing how God sends us a message.  We walk right into it just at the right time.  We just have to be open to receiving it....something I work on daily...being open to what God wants to give to me and teach me! 
     

I love my boys....

I sure love my boys and the entertainment they give me....endless that is for sure!!

Is there a way?

     I was just telling Doug yesterday that I just can't seem to get the feel for things lately.  I am struggling with decisions lately.  I have a dream...goal...or desire whatever ya want to call it to be at home more...or else work "smarter"   I love my job...love my family...but right now just feel this house and my kids need me more right now.  Especially as summer approaches.  Sooo....how do you go from a steady income to cutting back a bit?  I would like to quit daycare all together to save some money....work less scheduled shifts and perhaps pick up some pm  (3-11) shifts that allow me to still make some money but be home more during the day this summer.  I just can't make up my mind....or think of ways to cut the budget some to make it less of a need to work.  
     I look at the calander and all the obligations...kids activities...Doug's meetings....and I think how much smoother it would be if I can just be at home more to run the home front....I think this summer it would work since the older girls could do some...just some...babysitting for me so that I can work the evening shift....I truly try not to make them watch the other kids too much because I don't want that thrown in my face when they get older.
     I love being at home...I know I say this ALL the time....but I can't help it.  Is is my anxiety that makes me want to stay home...cuz the more I am pulled from home...the farther I get behind...or is it me wanting to isolate myself in our large family living...or...perhaps its just the love of my kiddos and home making me want to stay put....?????
     Creative budgeting and thinking is what I need to focus on now.  I feel like a broken record.  I know that God never gives us more than we can handle....he will provide...things happen for a reason.  The answers will come to me...in time...its just me wanting answers NOW...patience is not always my best feature...

   ...I look at this picture...it gives me peace..we all walk together..I am blessed!
 

Ohhh...sooo tired!

M

Miss Delaney....oh soo tired today!!  She was listening to her CMT songs that she likes...while the mom was putting the other boys to bed...cuz Delaney always seems to be the last one to bed...she was waiting for her last nursing of the day but couldn't make it....and this is how I found her in her exer-saucer.   Sweetie pie!!  I love her so!!

Double Trouble?....Not this time!!

T

I walked outside to check on my two young men...cuz it was way  too quiet outside...and we all know as parents that when its quiet there is trouble...but I was way wrong...this is what I found.  Grant is wearing this baseball hat that is from when Doug was a kid.  It was one of the sweetest things I have seen.  These boys bring me more smiles each day... I don't want this time to slip by soo fast ..  Which for some reason these days just keep going by faster and faster.  I need life to SLOW down...slow down and let these moments absorb into me. 

Easter 2010

Holen Easter...lots of kids...lots of eggs to find...

 All the kids on the hay rack...missing Billy and baby Delaney!

One day at a time...

Monday morning..another week to begin.  Will we be able to get it all done?

I had an interesting conversation with my co-worker Lori yesterday...talking about all

the thoughts that go through our head in a minute or an hour...how many of these thoughts are a waste of our energy?   How does one "captivate" our thoughts?  I thought about this all evening last nite...I just don't know how to do this.  In our house there at times is soo much

stimuli that I don't know how to hang on to the positive thoughts...the productive thoughts..and how do you let go of the worries..negative..and exhausting thoughts that creep into your head all day?  

I can become consumed by the to do...what not to do...and how I should be or not be....but that is one busy brain....no wonder why i get tired...=)

So Today....I am going to try and have a day of blocking out the thoughts that drain me...worry me...and cause me to be not in the moment..

I like my moments each day so shouldn't we all try to enjoy them...but saying and doing are two different things!!

Daily challanges....daily goals....and daily baby steps!!

DITTO!!

Reading this post...was like going....yes..at least someone else gets the way I feel!! I read these posts and just went ahhhh...I am normal. I too can't imagine my life without the children...yes 7 children...that I have!! I have found since baby #3 the grief, teasing, questioning..started. And with each baby I have felt the need to DEFEND why I am pregnant. Why in the world would any person have to defend the life that grows in her? Then the guilt would come after that because I allowed these "people" to make me feel this way. It is a viscious circle. Then sometimes with the pregancy I would feel the need to not tell people for a VERY LONG time so I would avoid the negative comments!! Now I look back and go why should I have to hide something so amazing and such a miracle ...shouldn't I be able to enjoy and love every precious day that that life grew in me? Don't get me wrong...I did enjoy every day of it..but it was work...work to avoid the comments...negativity..and work to try to understand why people feel the need to view a large family as "crazy". All I know is that I have a crazy, fun, loving life everyday and wouldn't have it any other way. This is what I can get in a day:

14 arms to wrap around me....7 smiles to warm my heart...
7 heads to give a loving hug to...and 14 hands to hold...and 7 bellies to tickle...and 7 mouths to listen giggle, laugh, and share their days with me!! I also get to enjoy watching with my 2 eyes these 7 children love each other in their own unique way and know that at the end of the day they are happy, healthy and feel loved!!

7 gems....

For my birthday this year...I got this...Love it and feel sooo blessed to have such a nice line-up of "gems"!! I never knew the true meaning of the mothers ring...the two bands on the top and bottom stand for the parents and all the gems in the middle are the children!! I was on a good pattern...october..march...october
.april...october.
..july...september..
October seemed to be my month huh?
Love my hubby for getting this for me!! I am blessed!

7 years ago today...

So I was 33 years old and pregnant while going to RN school. It was going to be baby number 4 for us!! The pregnancy went well and fast since I was also busy with school and being a mom to 3 other kiddos. I was 37 weeks and had to see Dr. N instead of my regular dr and was measuring like 5 weeks larger...thus sent me over for a ultrasound right away...found out I had a big baby in there! So I switched dr's at the last minute and decided to get induced at 38 weeks since baby was so big.
So on Tuesday April 11th...I quickly ran to the college to turn in a last minute paper...and then arriving a bit late at the hospital ...was admitted and the pitocin was started!! By noon I was not such a happy camper..water was broke...and then the real pain started...I look back now and realize that I was bonkers...yes bonkers...on the ceiling and crazy with pain...I could not get a grip and so without any drugs I quickly went from 4 - 10 cm in about an hour or so and had Mathias Lee at 6:18pm. He weighed 8pounds 11 oz and had a bruised head cuz he came sooo fast down that canal!! YIKES!! We didn't know we were having a boy so it was a nice surprise!! This is one birth that I did with no pain meds...and it was work but well worth it!!
I can't believe he is 7 already!! He walked at around 13 months...has been a boy on the go ever since then!! He is a farmer in the making!! Loves dirt, tractors, and anything that has to do with the fields. He loves John Deere and also has endless energy!! He loves his brothers...and we love him!!