Grateful!!!

I am finding myself very grateful today.

Kaitlyn Janece...she has a special heart!

She has cleaned for me all day with a song being sung all day while she did it!

She loved on her brother Grant and she loved on her lil sister Miss Delaney!!

She has grown a lot since this picture about 2 years ago but I had to re-post cuz it is one of my favorites.

She appreciates what is given to her and she loves peace.

She has a laugh that can echo through the house and make you laugh yourself.

She is my 2nd daughter and also 2nd born of 7.

I love what she brings to our family.

She has a soft heart like me yet soo much faith and love inside just like me too.

I am grateful beyond words to have her!

I love you Kaitlyn Janece Holen!!

Isn't her smile and silliness the best?

She has big dreams...wants to travel abroad...she is a junior.

What will I do when she moves on...

Be happy for her that is what I will be!!  So I am grateful and thankful for each day I have her here with us!

A day at home....

Ahhh....the wind is blowing...and the sun is shining which means this momma wants to stay home all day and tackle what else....LAUNDRY!!   Doug had James carry all of it down to the laundry room this morning and he could see the anxiety rising in me by just looking at me and then so nicely and with a calming voice said "Kim....its just laundry."

Isn't that the truth......that is what it simply is.  Laundry.   It will always be there.  Waiting for me to visit it and spend quality time with it.   I would rather sit and listen to the chatter of Delaney.   

Okay that sounds all calm and good but truly AHHHHHH!!!!!!   It drives me bonkers to fall behind but my silly back/body won't let me do anything for a long time...just short intervals.   I look at the laundry and feel like I am failing.  Why can't I keep up?   I also dislike having to see my kids run downstairs to find a pair of washed socks to wearl   

So....my to do for the weekend...laundry and a warm, crackling fire going, and hopefully a nap and some laughs now and then. 

Anyone want to share their tips on how you keep up with laundry...organizing and putting away....especially with 7 kids!!   Please feel free to give me tip or two.

 

  

It's been awile

Yesterday I spent most of the day wandering around doing little things and Doug was out with Mathias doing some cattle moving.  Mathias love that.

My great helper Kaitlyn (16) did ALL my laundry and has it almost all folded!!  I am sooo grateful for her...she was surprisingly rewarded with a itunes card that Doug had never

used!!

Doug and Mathias got back around 5:00....did our own farm chores and we all snuggled in front of a blazing warm fire downstairs in our newly remodeled tv room....ahhhh!!

It was a pretty good day...pain of course has to interfere...but I try to keep moving and then resting.

So then at bedtime...all the kiddos love to sleep in the same room on the floor and bunk beds and its just a huge pile of blankets and cute heads sticking out sleeping so peaceful.  Warms a mothers heart 

We only allow this on breaks and holidays...a treat for them for sure!!

So Doug and I laid in bed and watched some tv and talked and talked....then the silliness in me kicked in and I LAUGHED...yes you heard me right,  I LAUGHED and LAUGHED til the tears flowed from laughing so hard.   Doug just shook his head at me like I was nuts. 

It may not happen today again ....or for awhile again but I have not laughed like that in probably 6 months!! 

Pain, back surgery, and still ongoing pain had taken all the giggles outta me.

But hey....I felt that it was huge progress for me.

Who woulda thought a laugh could be such a HuGE thing!

 

Comment?

This may be a silly request...but since I am such a needy person

 

I was just wondering if someone would comment on some of my posts?

 

The blogger world is good for me...I feel its good for most people.

 

I guess I just want to talk more....Because I stay home 90 percent of the time

 

I would love some adult talk or input!!

 

Just sayin....



It never goes away

 

It has been over a year now since my dad went to heaven.

 

I miss his voice.

I miss his hunting stories.

I miss his integrity.

I miss his smile and hugs!

 

Hang on to the good things...

don't let them fade from your mind ...

This picture his before cancer took him from his two loves...

hunting and dogs!

 

I miss him alot....tears come and go often because

he just simply isn't with us anymore.

 

Love what you have.  



2013

2012 was a rough year for the Holen's...and I am not looking for a pity party but it has mainly me, in my opinion.  I don't think my family thinks this....but I see it in them...the way they look at me and the way silence sometimes fills the air.

 

But in my defense I have been through the  ringer for the entire year of 2012.  I have had back pain that eventually ended me with surgery on Nov 7 and today as I am 7 weeks post op....yep you guessed it...I STILL hurt!

I feel guilty and all on my own I am doing this to myself.

 

I lost my point position after 12 years of working there...now to go to the lovely status of "casual" which to me hurts and is a slap in the face.  Makes me have soo many questions..."wasn't I worth the wait to heal and then come back?"..."I thought they were family to me....Too many to type.

 

But I know that God decides what path we are going to take...and although it has been a questionable one...I am beginning to accept that it was supposed to happen this way and it actually I truly believe will it will end up to be a blessing to me.   A new door will open and I will walk through it with no pain, no heartache from LRHC, and excitement for what comes next for me.

 

My kids have had a challenging year as well with all my dr issues etc but they stay strong and continue to give me hugs and help me when they can or more like "feel like it"  haha!!

We have made it through it....Doug has been the best....running the show pretty much for 5 weeks straight plus taking care of me.   poor soul! 

 

So as we enter into a New Year....lets dream of good things...smile a lot....thank God each and everyday for what we do have...live with hope and courage in our hearts!  We must love ourselves and then we can share that with so many others!!  Bless you all and lets work hard to take the time to love, dream, and have faith in the Lord!!



Realizing...

Realizing what you have is important that at times I catch myself focusing on all the worries that are floating through my head...

 

I realize that a cute 3 year old little girl can run from room to room with happiness exploding from her and how much she enjoy just simply chatting!

 

I realize that 4 boys have lots of energy and seeing them run through the fresh snow that has no footprints in them yet...now have  because those boys ran and ran and laughed and smiled and enjoyed each other which always warms a moms heart.

 

I realized that I am blessed with a husband that know when I need a hug and quiet time and rest.  Which makes him have to step in and run the show....Wonderful!!

 

I realized that God has a plan for us....and although this house can be extremely loud...rowdy....chaotic at times...but underneath it all there is love.  There is love for one another that is evident sometimes that shows itself in such a brief moment you will miss it....

So keep your eyes open....

 

 



Will I ever be me again?

Well...it has been awhile since I have posted.  It has been a long journey that is for sure!!  It has been 5 weeks since my back surgery and each and everyday I pray it will be better.  And yes of course it is better than day one....but good grief I should be doing better by now.  I still have a lot of pain.  I can't drive because the twisting hurts too much and it just simply is too much.

So many people have asked how I am and All I can answer is "fair".  I feel for my family who is tired of seeing me sit....have pain...walk for a little while..and then sit some more.  

I hope I made the right decision to do this. 

I don't want this post to be all gloom and doom.....sorry....but most days that is how they feel. I have to say that when the days start out with a hug from Doug....it seems to help.  Kids too of course.

 

Life seems to be going along okay.  The kids feel the change and I can see it in them.  Quieter and less talkative to me and some back talk at times.  I try to explain the best I can but kids are used to life revolving around them and essentially it has been me.

Some  have been more helpful than othersl  I appreciate every little thing they do.  Even picking up a sock for me is a huge help.  The little things matter so very much.

A few people have brought over food and I thank them for that.  What a huge blessing is that?   Sitting down for a meal together with me being able to join them vs me out sitting in the chair recovering from the activity of making supper.   So those who have...Oh how I thank you!!

I have learned some hard lessons too.  The mental work is a job in itself as well.

I love my hubby so very much for helping me put on my socks and shoes to even helping me shower in the beginning. He has run this show     with no complaintsssl

well...that is probably enough about me.   I will take any prayers that you may have to offer....I will also do the same for you!! 

I do not have a job to go back to now....they took my position away and made me casual.  This is the hardest thing for me to get a grip on.   I take it personally when money is what makes their decision.  Money vs a nurse who loved what she did.     But I know God has a plan for me and this rough spell we are in is a test and someday We may just know why this has all happened.

I love to isolate myself and that is so bad for me but I do it very well...so if I don't keep in touch...I am sorry.  My thoughts are filled with many things.

Thank you for tolerating my venting.  It is therepeutic for me. 

~~~~Kim~~~

Missing this!!

So last night I went to watch Kaitlyn  (the one on the right) play some volleyball and enjoyed every moment of it.  This picture is from last year when her sister Julia played as well.  Last night though Julia sat in the crowd as a fan vs playing.  That is how this whole volleyball season has gone.  Julia not there.  That is difficult for me to swallow.  

You see Julia has a huge dedication to 4-H and the coach disagrees with that dedication so at the beginning of the year she was on the fence if she should play volleyball or invest more time into her 4-H obligations as well as work to make some money.

After many hours pondering she made her choice...she was going to play!!  I was happy because nothing made Doug and I more happy than to sit in the stands and see both our daughters play together!!  But  a phone call from the coach squashed that  love of our quickly.  She called Julia...and with no hesitation told her that "she has no place on the team anymore and might as well not go out for the season."......WHAT???!!???  Who says that????

Well...that of course changed Julia's mind.  So after playing side by side with her sister since I believe it was 5th grade...she was not going to this season...her SENIOR year.

So last night as I watched Julia sitting in the bleachers...and Kaitlyn playing her best on the court...it saddened my heart.  I know that it saddens me more than her...she is more in the bitter stage of it but still goes there to cheer her sister and her other friends on.

It is little stories like this in our lives that make me wonder what makes people the way they are...no remorse...no sincerity in their words.  How does that happen?  I try so very hard to always see the good in people...and God says to pray for those that actually anger you or you feel have done you wrong.  I just am not there yet.  

So I enjoyed my evening of watching Kaitlyn excel at her gifts...and remembered years gone by and accepted it for how it is but just questioned why.

Life is always making us wonder why things turn out the way they do and another reminder that we have to trust in God to know that this is the path these girls were meant to go down.

And....to top the evening off...at the end of the game...my Kaitlyn sought me out at the very top of the bleachers with a big smile and sweaty body...gave me a BIG hug and thanked me for being there!  Now that is what life is about!!  

It's work...

It is work....a lot of work to focus on the moment you are in.  Work to accept that the steps you walk each day are taking you exactly where God wants you to go.

These boots ....laces frayed..leather dirty and worn looking ...belong to my husband Doug.  He has taken many steps in these boots and they show it.  Each day God leads him to where he is supposed to go.  The twine laying under his boots..he must have been moving some hay bales around.  He just keeps going not knowing but trusting that he is going the right way.  That is where I am struggling right now.  I wish I had some boots that showed me all the work and right steps that I have taken to get me where I am today.  Oh believe me I know I am blessed and I am right where I am supposed to be but it is where I am supposed to be NEXT that I waste so much energy wondering about.   I was supposed to be having surgery tomorrow and only 24 hours ago found out insurance denied it.  So now the appeal process begins.  Denied all because certain words weren't used to describe my pain, my situation, and my back status.  So I fret and I keep asking  "now what???"   Now what is going to happen..what if?..what if this?  What will I do now?  Now I have to have pain longer and I am tired of that.  I want to know what my next step is supposed to be.  Then this morning I realized that all this fretting and wondering is simply just too much work!!  I stopped ...took a deep breath and realized that all this is out of my control and God has a plan for me and I need to trust and keep taking steps one after another and he will lead me exactly where I need to go.

So I relaxed and in my mind put on my new work boots of my own that came with a fresh positive focus on things and walked on.  Soon these boots too will show the wear, tear but also will tell a story about how I came to where I will be in the next 30 days or 1 year.  Trusting and letting go of all that unnecessary work is hard but I need to do that.  

So my question for you is what boots are you going to wear today?  

 

A "real" day on the Holen Hills farm!

Where does one begin? Doug left on Wednesday for his annual trip of hunting.  Which I TRULY do get excited for him because he is one of the most dedicated daddy's, hard working, and never stops man that I know.  I truly believe we all REQUIRE time to rejuvinate our souls and to have time alone to think.  I also am a firm believer in family time.  So Doug was gone with his brother and his dad for some hunting for 4 days.  I enjoy time alone with the kids too.....UNTIL things start to RAPIDLY start to go downhill.

I usually am a kinda go with the flow mom...I try to let squabbles resolve themselves...unless there is physical harm being done to one another...and I also don't mind a little while of loud fun/wrestling/laughter etc. It is when it turns to name calling, arguing, fighting loudly and crying that this momma starts to lose it...get stressed out..want to run away etc.  I escape to the bathroom sometimes...only to be found in a matter of 30 seconds.

I know I chose this life...and I love my life. But when behavior that is known to be a no-no is done for hours at a time...this mom starts to melt and melt quickly.  So on Saturday...a beautiful blustery morning I headed to football with Mathias and Delaney which went well...cold but well.

About 2:00 is when the first set of tears showed themselves.  Boys wrestling...then crying...then fighting got the best of me  All I want is my kids to do is love each other and I know that it isn't realistic for them to be best buds all the time...but maybe all day once would be a gift!  So I disciplined....yelled a bit  (which I tell myself to not do  but my emotions get the best of me)..nobody listened and it paused briefly and started right back up again.  I disappeared to the laundry room...tried to stay busy and kept Delaney by me.   

Of course through out all of this is constant  "mom..I want...... or mom will you get me this?"   Non stop wants and needs.  Then the finale hit around 4:00.   We just had our basement refinished and it is beautiful and our protected zone...no food...drinks...etc down there.  It is ALWAYS kept clean and appreciated!  Well of course the boys decided to BREAK that rule too.  So wrestling and rough housing continued and I continued to tell them to please stop...please stop...and to PLEASE (with a loud voice of course) STOP!!  Well...a loud noise...followed by a tornado of feet running up the steps to line up for confession time.  Mathias and James wrestling on the couch caused Mathias to fall off the couch and hit his head on the wall...(Mathias was fine) and the end result ...A HUGE HEAD INDENTATION IN OUR BRAND NEW WALL!!  I was speechless...took me over an hour to make myself go look and then...I cried..cried hard in my safe haven of a laundry room downstairs and kids surrounded me with concern, guilt, and offers of saving their money to fix it.  At that point I was too far gone to really care about their good intentions to fix their damage...I sobbed...and all my worries....concerns...were released at that moment.  It felt good to cry.  

I realized that when the mom truly has a moment of crying...meltdown...the kids STOP and listen...reset themselves and start over.  They changed back into the loving..friends they typically are...and hard working kids.  The house was picked up and vacuumed and laundry put away by them in an hour.   They apologized...gave me hugs and the rest of the day was somber but so much better.

Although it was a tough day...it was a day of letting things out and starting over.  I needed it...the kids needed it...and the animals outside listening to all the chaos needed it too!!  =)

So life is REAL here at the Holen House.  Most days are filled with friendships and love but boy when we are all "off"....we are in a big way!

I would love to attach a picture of the lovely wall but I blocked it with the couch and still can't bear to look at it.

Just keepin' it real folks!

Best gift ever!

I LOVE...LOVE....LOVE to see LOVE between siblings!!

My Miss Delaney is 3!!

How can she be 3 already?

Where has the time gone?  I remember this fall day as she lay sleeping in her chair not even bothered by all the chatter of her siblings or the wind from the breeze.

She has grown up to quite the little young lady.  Full of energy, bubbly, humor that is unpredictable and love that comes from her just when you need it.   She loves her siblings and loves yelling at the top of her lungs every night  "Night boys!!"  and they are all quick to yell right back with their usual "love you's" to follow.  Warms my heart.

Her blue eyes warm your soul and her strong personality will be a benefit to her as she grows.  6 Holen kiddos are in school now so some days it is just her and I following each other around with giggles and smiles.  We even some days have to sneak in a bit of quiet time.

I remember announcing her arrival and people thought I was crazy to have 7 children...because most people think you are to have a large family.  But I knew it would complete us and the announcement that it was a GIRL....completed us that is for sure.

So I thank the Lord for giving me Delaney Ann!!  She is a busy and good girl and loves her family and loves all the parts of farm life!!  As I watch our oldest enter our senior year it reminds me that I need to enjoy these younger years because before you can blink an eye....they are grown!!

Love you Miss Delaney and Happy 3rd Birthday!!

 

Where is my crystal ball?

Where is the crystal ball that I need right now to tell me what the future holds for me?   So many decisions to make...wishing that I knew what the outcome would be with whatever decision I would make...that way I could just pick one...and MOVE ON!!

I have been soo busy gathering info, researching and going to appointments that I just don't know how to make the right choice.

Monday is the big day for me...the surgeon will give his opinion...and another surgeon will hopefully give me guidance as well.  I am anxious for Monday yet afraid as well.

A week ago today I could not even walk...I crawled up the steps and crawled to my bed in pain.  The days are so unpredictable.  Now the last few haven't been too bad...or tolerable at least.

I have this nagging feeling in my heart that although this journey that I am on now is not what I want ...yet I think it is happening for a reason.  Not only for my health but also to point me perhaps in a new direction.  Not sure what that really even means...I just know that change is coming for me.  

I get the feeling that people that I thought cared about me ...really don't and those that do..really do!  

I am drawn to anything that has to do with faith and prayer...I look at everything that happens each day as perhaps a whisper from God or sometimes a big loud yell to listen to him and have no fear.

That is hard to do some days.  I have a lot of people to tend to and for me to be slowed down is difficult.  I don't like having extra attention on me or being a burden to people.  It is difficult to ask for extra help now and then but lately I have had to do that.  My sweet Marcus the other day said to me..."oh mommy, I forgot last night when I prayed to ask God to fix your back."  I was so touched by that because I had just read the younger boys a book a couple nights before about praying and how you can do it anywhere, anytime, and any way you want to.  And he REMEMBERED it!

I love that when your child shows that they actually DO listen to things you say.  

 So I will continue on this journey knowing that I will have guidance from above to make the right decision!!  And that I am thankful for!

Dealing with fear!

Does anyone out there struggle with anxiety or fear for the unknown?

I have been awful lately.  Heart racing...my stomach in knots and feeling as if something was choking me...I tremble and try to talk some sense into myself..but it just hasn't been working lately.

I am afraid.   I am vulnerable...and I hate this feeling that seems to sneak right up on me in the morning and seize me and I beg to have it disappear.

It isn't something you just want to chit chat about.  I find myself embarassed or ashamed that I have this struggle in my life.  Noone can fix it for me...noone but simply me!!  

I try each and every day to turn my fears over to God.  It is hard to do though.  Those feelings of gloom have a way of re-appearing and I need to start all over on the process of getting them to go away.

I read my book....I spend time reading my favorite blogs that I follow.

I tend to isolate myself vs consume myself with things around me that would help me distracted.  It is a nasty cycle...up and down...relaxed...tense.  

I have fear for my health lately...hoping things change for me and I can get back to myself.  I have fear that I am a burden to my family.  I have a lot of fears...many foolish...yet so real to me!!

What do you do to help yourself diffuse the fire of anxiety and fear that can overcome yourself?

I need advice.

I need peace and I know that with my FAITH I can find it.  It just may take some time I believe.

Please don't think I am a looney tune for exrpessing my fears...I think a lot of people struggle with but like me....they keep it to themselves until they just can't take it anymore and this is when the true feelings come out.  They are not always good but at times it may be needed.  

Need a hug?

Ya have one of those days where all you just need is a hug?

I have lots of those days.  The other day it was a bit chilly out...and I can't help but think of my dad this time of year.  He would be getting ready for annual trip to Canada to go goose hunting.  He would plan and plan for that trip.  This picture was taken the summer of 2010 and he was planning then for that fall.

Anyways...back to my point.  I went to go grab a coat and my dad's coat stuck out at me that day.  I put it on...all fuzzy and warm and it felt like a big hug from him wrapped around me.  I just needed a hug that day...especially from him!!

  I could sense him near me.  I do alot!!

He is thought about...missed a lot and dreamed about...as he was a blessing to us that we all need to remember!

This photo was a day my parents came over to visit.  My dad moved slowly that day...weak from his chemo..but still took the time to stop...sit down...and pull those puppies close to him and give them a little hug.  The naturally sat still and enjoyed him.  I enjoyed him too that day.  He visited a little bit.

He was quiet then...which was unusual for him but we knew it was the cancer that was making him quieter.

He did come to the table after a nap in our chair and visit for awhile.  We talked about not giving up and hanging on to the wonderful progress he was making.

Remembering days like those helps the loss of him not feel so ripe.  Tears still flow.  I think they will for a long time.  I get scared some days with him not here...but I know he is watching over us all.

I would love a hug from him today.  

So as this windy day blows leaves around...the sun shines down...I know he is near.  We all have those days where all we need is a lil' squeeze...just make sure you take the time and do that. 

Just do it!!

It had been a long time.  Such a long time that it was wearing heavy on our hearts...

We hadn't been to church in a long time.

We all lead busy lives...get tired...and crave sleep in days.  So we had been using Sunday as a sleep in day and we were finding that we didn't feel so good about the day at the end of it.

So last night I just simply announced to the whole family..."tomorrow morning we are all going to church!!"

It was interesting because I really expected a huge roar..."ah c'mon mom" ...or "mom....I don't want to get up".   But it was totally silent and then in random sequence each kiddo said..."okay."

So we had to shower all last eve cuz no water heater has enough hot water to shower this big group.  Then all clothes had to be set out last night as well.  All the little things that help the morning go a bit smoother.

So then Doug and I had to have a discussion as to how much time will it take us to be "on time"??  That just simply sounds silly to have to make a game plan as to what time we need to get up for church.  But we do.

So the alarm rang at 7:30 and up we all were and dressed and out the door ON TIME and headed to church!!

It took us two cars to do it but we did!!  We all felt pretty good afterwards...but funny how as the day has gone on the yawns have arrived and a bit of grumpiness has appeared.  But at the end of the day we know we gave and received so much more than that extra time of "sleep in"!!

We are blessed to have a great church to go to and have such wonderful people to visit with!!

 

Piggy pool!!

In the Evening...Emily gets to go for a walk...and at times she just want to take a swim!!

Peek into my world....

Once in awhile....

In a house full of many....once in a great while...all is still and only the mom is stirring and she has it all to herself.  The stillness and the deafening silence yet when she stops and really listens that is when she realizes there is no silence.

She hears the distant sound of a calf calling for her mommy...
She hears the faint sound of birds having a morning chat....
She hears the rooster waiting in the barn..ever so patiently...to be let out for the beautiful day it will be.

She hears the sound of air filling her lungs up each second or two and has the moment to thank the Lord for that air she breathes.
She can feel the relaxation in every muscle as she closes her eyes and thanks God for what has been given to her.

Once in awhile the mom gets some time just to reflect...look around her house..and remember what happened yesterday...a year ago or just a few seconds ago.  This small time in her life can mean so very much because it makes her realize that all her day in and day out hard work...giving of herself...and moments of chaos..and also moments of priceless conversations...is all WORTH it!! 

Because once in awhile the mom is blessed with this quiet and stillness to boost her morale and help her see that she has been given many gifts and know how much she loves her life that she has.