A breath of fresh air....

Can I please have this day back?

She is so much joy!

Grateful

Thankful for this girl.  Helps me keep a positive outlook!

Privacy? ?

Do you ever feel like ya can't even sneak to the bathroom?

Love

Wordless Wednesday

Unconditional love

All you need to do is look in Gracie's eyes..and you feel loved.  We all need a little bit of it each day.

Oh how I love this girl.

Smiles are free!

 

 

 

Smiles!!

Letting go

 

It is a bittersweet goodbye.

On one hand I am happy for Julia to be off to college...

but then I wonder where the years went and if I was a good mom to her.

Doubts fill my mind.

She was sooo excited to leave...I think almost GLAD she was getting to go.

A large family is hectic and loud at times and that is something she is not fond of.  I hope she is happy and enjoying these fun college days.

I miss her presence in the house.

 

Before I knew it I had blinked and she was grown up and her car was packed full and she left the driveway with no pauses and headed to her new chapter in life.  It is just simply hard to let go.

 



I want summer again!

Delaney

New Beginnings!

I am afraid, I get anxious, I am okay with it then in the next moment...it starts all over.

Thoughts ruminating through my noggin that lately is just simply fuzzy all the time.

I sit here with Bubble Guppies playing on the tv and no one is around me.  The little ones stick pretty close together in the mornings and they are downstairs laughing.

Laughter helps keep me grounded.

I am blessed with that at times.

The older kids....not so much laughter lately.

I lost my job which is no secret to anyone.  12 years of nursing...4 years med/surg and 8 years labor and delivery.  My dream.  It seems to have been pulled right from under my feet.  I wonder what would have happened if on August 29th of 2012 I would have decided to NOT take a leave to focus on getting to the bottom of my back pain that was consuming me daily.  I wonder if I would still be there or would the pain eventually caused me to stop.  I don't know the answer but I do know that I have come across answers and 2 back surgeries later..I sit here jobless, still in daily pain, and a sense of fear as to where I am going to end up.

I try believing it will all work out...will it?

Will I have my pep in my step again?

Will I enjoy each day like I used to?

 

What I do know is that although the days are tough...I am at home with my 7 children and that is a blessing.  They are my everything even on the days I am short tempered, tired, depressed and feeling helpless from the pain.  But they forgive me and we start over many times during the day and that is okay because we all need start over's!!! 

So I guess that is what I am doing...starting over with a new view on life and what is important.  Losing friends...or should I say people I thought were my friends....medical bills that pile up..but I still have my family and the fresh air in my lungs and the wide open spaces I call home!  Staying focused on the positive is hard to do but it is a start over right?

 

 

A new day.....a new outlook...and many start overs during the day!

Thank you Lord for giving me those start overs and please fill my world around me, my children with smiles, gratefulness, and laughter that they so deserve!

 



Gotta love this pig!

This is Julia's first offspring to her breeding gilt!!  She is a dolly of a pig if ya can imagine that!!  I love her!! 
We chat a bit everyday.
Does that seem weird that I chat with a pig?  I think it may be normal on a farm, right?

Emotional!

She grew up way too fast.  Our oldest daughter Julia has now graduated and as I write this is down at Iowa State in Ames with her dad to register and orientate for Fall classes.  How can this be?

We just finished up her party on Saturday after LONG preperations and planning.

It went well thank goodness for all the help from family since I am pretty much useless for anything physical or any long amount of time.

I was doing well up until the party and then as people and family left one by one the next morning the tears came and have continued so off and on since then.

Why do I get soo emotional?

I am happy for her successes, her goals, and her drive that she has within but that still isn't helping me.

She is closer with her Dad which is just the way it is...but I will miss her.

 



She has been such a huge part of this farm and also a leader for the lil ones that follow her.  It just won't be the same.

Her love of 4-H I hope has been instilled enough in the younger ones that I hope it continues on for us all!!

 

I have watched this lil girl walk up this driveway everyday to catch the bus and then in a blink of an eye it went to driving up it to head to school each day.

I am proud of her and I am happy for her happiness and adventures that are yet to come but these tears of the mom just have to flow.  I think it is just the process of letting your child go and hope that you have taught her well and to make good choices.  But for now I am going to let my tears come when they need to because it is my way of letting go just a lil bit for her to make her first step into her new life.

New life on the Farm!

Three little kittens made their debut this last week.  I love the miracle of birth and the act of mothering that just comes natural to animals.  It shouldn't be any surprise that a Labor and Delivery Nurse can love all types of birth!!  Life continues on....sigh....love does too!

Mr. Grant

 

I just love my Mr G!!  He is unique in many ways.  I love how he tells me everyday he loves me and I also love the innocence he has.

It is cute and filled with curiousity.

His smile is contagious and I love every moment I have with him. 

Lil prayer

Stop and Listen

I have had many moments these last few days where I have made myself stop and just listen.  It is amazing what you hear.

The sounds of your kiddos sharing their love for one another.

These last few morning as I waken and try to get up and face the day I hear birds singing.  Ahhh....that means spring is COMING!!

I sooo need warm weather and this white stuff we are covered inW is gone.

It has been a long winter filled with dr visits and pain meds and trying to keep up with Holen life.  We tend to be  on the busy side most days.

This morning listening to Delaney softly breathe and watching her sleep so peacefully.

Hearing the small footsteps coming down the steps and head towards me to give me my morning leg hug....my Grant!

Listening to Marcus as he wakes up and the first thing he says is "I love you Mommy and you are the best Mommy in the world"  Words that warm my heart and mean so much coming from a 7 year old.

So many sounds that when we rush through a day ...we miss out on them.

Sometimes the sound is simply silence.

The sound of chairs being dragged across the floor tells me that yes someone is headed for cupboards out of their reach.

The sound of the kitchen clock ticking and realizing that time goes fast and making the effort to stop and enjoy the moments of our everyday life.

Thank you Lord for giving me those reminders each day that every moment is special and even the chaotic moments are treasured...but at times not wanted.

What sounds do you hear when you just stop and listen?

Please share with me today.

I love the love that actually doesn't make any noise...it is just there!!



Afraid

I am afraid.  I have to say it out loud.

Afraid of what is in my future.

It is no secret that I have been struggling for awhile now with

back pain, surgery, and then still some more pain which has lead me to

seek a second opinion with another diagnosis made.

I fear the pain everyday.  I fear what affect it will have on my life.

I have ALWAYS had such a passion for pregnancy, the miracle of birth and everything relating to caring for that mother and babe.

That dream has been perhaps over which I fear as well.

I lost my position at my work and now as I continue to recover and try to deal with the daily pain I am looking for possibly another path I may have to go.

I may not be able to physically do what I did before.  So I have ventured out on a path that is unknown and scary to me.  I applied for a new position that is more of a "desk job" you could say.  I am afraid!!  I tremble almost all day thinking of this!  I was called today for an interview and now all my insecurities

start YELLING in my head.  I try and block them out but they are too loud.

I am afraid I will look like I know nothing

I am afraid I will get the job and fail.

I am afraid that I won't get the job as well.

I feel tied up in fear and unable to breathe at times.

I just keep hanging onto to the blessing that everything does happen for a reason.  It is not in my control.

I just ask God to grant me some peace and courage to face this new path.

I love being at home and being away from home makes me afraid now since the surgery.  I always want to be home...safe from the world and if I stay inside my safe place I have a place to hide.  I know that is not a healthy way to be.

But for now that is what it is. 

Dear Lord...I am afraid!

Help me feel the peace and warmth that you give to me everyday.

Help me not be afraid of the outside world.

I ask that you also help those just like me. 

I am blessed...I know this for sure.

I just need to open my eyes and heart and turn down the loud thoughts in my head that make me afraid!!

Day by day....hour by hour...and sometimes minute by minute I will try and seek out what you have in store for me.



Sibling Love!!

 Hugs and special but short moments when I catch these

little ones giving each other a lil squeeze...warms my heart!!

Every now and then I get to catch a glimpse that

perhaps Doug and I have

instilled some good or shall I say GREAT things

in our children...

 

That they have a little love (actually we know it is a lot

of love ) in them to give to each other.

Kaitlyn loves to smile and interact with the young ones.

Sisters that are only a mere 16 months apart supporting each other

in sports and life!!

LOVE...LOVE ...LOVE this!!