Expectations

I guess you could say I tend to "expect" things from people...usually things that those people could NEVER provide me...yet I always hope they will change...or treat me the way that I would treat them.  But what tends to happen...I don't get it...and I end up hurt, angry, frustrated...and just simply sad.


I don't know why I am wired this way.  I continually ask that to myself and to God.  I wonder why I have to allow people to make me feel hurt.  I care so much about other people and have always had the "disease to please" but I think I am finally at the age of 42 realizing that  these expectations that I have are not healthy and only damage my self esteem.  I catch myself of course first shedding tears...then it turns to anger...and stress and then simply disappointment.  It is exhausting and has robbed me of too much time.  Time that I can't get back.


I have always been this way.  I was bullied as a child...learned quickly that if I do what people want ...then they may be nice to me...for awhile anyways.   But I have gotten stronger through out the years and my shell has hardened a bit.  But just when I think I am good....another lesson learned..the hard way.


I don't want a pity party for me...just need to put some of my feelings on here...helps me sort through them all and also makes me sit and look at the real blessings in my life and the people that do really care about me.  After all isn't that we all want and need?   Just someone to care about us and to respect our boundaries.  I guess I just have to learn to define mine more clearly to those that tend to cross them.  I will have to put that on my list of things to do!!  


Thanks for listening....