I will have to apologize ahead of time for these last couple posts...rather deep in subject matter and emotional...but needed to be said. It is both therapeutic and nice to remember....so read on knowing that this post too may not be the most uplifting post but one that is very near to my heart.
Today is my brothers birthday. He would be 47 years old today. He didn't get to celebrate any birthdays after 24 years of age. The hard thing to accept about the loss of Mark is that he CHOSE to not celebrate any more birthdays. It was in Novemeber of 1987 that he took his life. He didn't want to be on this earth anymore and for some reason thought that life would be better if he went to heaven. Yes...there has been a lot of grief and tears over the years...lots of silence about what he did to himself and to our family but never forgotten. At least I haven't forgotten. Its like it was yesterday. ...
Mark struggled...he struggled daily ...depression, paranoia and anxiety flooded his brain on a daily basis. Medications kept him functional and for the most part appearing that that life was good for him. But...us that knew him well...knew differently. He could put on a great show...can't we all? These facades that all is great...too afraid to let our true emotions show. I too struggle with that show that I seem to star in daily but I can't even imagine how tired he must of been. Soo tired and soo sad that he thought his choice was the best one. Don't get me wrong...there is a lot of saddness there but anger too...anger with him ...how could he do that to his parents and to us left behind. Answers I will never know.
It was November and Mark had finally moved out into an apartment on his own. He always lived with us. Mom and Dad sheltered him and I guess gave him special attention but what parent wouldn't? It is only now as a parent I know why they felt they had to. Back then it made me mad.. Be strict and make him move out. I wasn't always the nicest to him..siblings are supposed to fight ...but I live with regrets for things I said and did. I think that is why to this day I can't stand when the kids bicker...bring on too many memories and regrets. Anyways....he had moved to Wisconisn near Wabasha and found his own place and spent most of his days fishing. That was his true love. He found peace out in his boat...alone fishing and pulling up some giant fish. He was a huge outdoorsman. He would share with me though that even while in his boat the paranoia would sneak up on him..."ya know Kim...they are in the bushes..and they talk about me." I would try and convince him it wasn't true but he would joke about it and try to make ME feel better and I knew he was just trying to cover it up. He didn't want anyone to thing he was crazy. Dad had gone down to fish with him a day or two early in the week and then when he came home said everything seemed great with him. They talked and enjoyed the water and Mark seemed happy and proud he was on his own. This too...as we would find out later was a good show he had put on.
It was Sunday nite. Had gone to bed. The doorbell rang around 3am. I got up right away..I was the first to the door and I saw 2 sheriff and our pastor. I knew it was bad. I ran to my parents room and told them who was there. My mom went to the door and my Dad followed half asleep. I stayed huddled against the hallway wall...waiting to hear their response. I couldn't see any of them...just hear them.. then the sobbing and hollering of "NO NOO NOOO " as my mom fell to her knees. A sound I will never forget. We sat at the table til 7am talking with the pastor. Only us 3 knew the news so far. I listened to my parents repeat and repeat the news all day to friends and phone calls to family. It is a sight you never forget watching your father practically curl up into the fetal position with sadness.
I believe it was the next nite after being up all day and walking in a haze I finally went to bed. I remember waking briefly and looking around the room. There he was...a brief glimplse of him sitting in the corner of that room. I may have been dreaming but it sure seemed real. He was calm....smiled and then disappeared. he looked at peace. I never told anyone that til months later.
So the years have passed. It by no means pulled us closer together as a family. It did have impact on me. It has taught me to cherish what we have because we never know how long we will have it. It isn't spoken about much but I know it isn't forgotten. How could it be?
Like I said...I hope these posts aren't too dreary for you all to read. Its a way for me to tell others to love what they have right now...right this second..treat others with respect...listen...and love them. You never know how many tomorrows you will have. So, Mark ...I wish you a happy birthday today. I know you are looking over us and I hope you are catching the biggest fish and findng peace out on those waters.
This is your place to say whatever you want to say, Kim!
ReplyDeleteYou don't ever have to apologize for something being to heavy or dreary.
Our family has dealt with suicide, as well, and it's a hard hard thing. My uncle died in 2002. You are right, it's not talked about much.
I wish people would be more willing to talk about someones life, though, too. Not just about their illness or death. I think in our society it will cause too much pain if we talk about someone who has died. But I think that it is more painful for their families to feel that that person is disappearing from people's memories.
Thanks for sharing, Kim.